Dan Rodandan: Oscar fever is in my brain and it's slowly eating the inside of my skull.

Welcome to Dan Rodandan, acting coach Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act. The phone number is 917-214-8DAN. 917-214-8DAN. Dan, of course, spelled D-A-N, or 326 if you have that kind of a phone, which some of you do. I'm not afraid to have calls from people with different kinds of phones. If you don't have a smartphone, I'll still talk to you. I'm fine with that.

Today is our Oscar show. Now, the Oscar is an award that they give out to actors and directors and screenwriters and pretty much anybody in the entertainment field. They also have the technical Oscars, which technically no one cares about. And I'm sorry, that was an easy joke. I'm sorry to all of you other comedy writers out there who've made that in the past. But honestly, I just thought of it. Then I immediately thought about how hack it was. It sort of hurts my feelings to think that I, Dan Rodandan, the acting coach, the premier acting coach of the Hawaiian Gardens area, would behave in such a way.

Okay, so let's start off with Best Picture. Oscar picks. The nominees are *Amour*, *Amour*, *Argo*, *Beasts of the Southern Wild*, *Django Unchained*, *Les Misérables*, *Life of Pi*, *Lincoln*, *Silver Linings Playbook*, and *Zero Dark Thirty*. Those were all in alphabetical order, not in any other sort of order, just alphabetical. We go from A to Z, from *Amour* to *Zero Dark Thirty*.

*Amour*, I didn't see it. *Argo*, I saw it. *Beasts of the Southern Wild*, I didn't see it. *Django Unchained*, I saw it. *Les Misérables*, I didn't see it, but I heard a lot. *Life of Pi*, I saw the preview, that looked pretty neat. *Lincoln*, no thank you. *Silver Linings Playbook*, I did see that one. And *Zero Dark Thirty*, I also saw most of that. I fell asleep in the middle. I fell asleep when they were sort of looking for him, and then I woke up when his head was blown off. And that was, you know, I feel like I got most of it. I mean, there's a lot of scenes that were probably very, very good, very detailed.

I have to say that I love, and I'm not saying this in any way sarcastically, I love *Point Break*. I've seen *Point Break* 30 times, 40 times, and so on the strength of *Point Break*, I'm going *Zero Dark Thirty* in this category. That wins.

*Django Unchained*, I saw that. That was great. But I'd already seen *Inglourious Basterds*, so there wasn't a lot. It's just they used the N-word more. Which is fine. It's art, I guess. Sometimes you've got to say the N-word to make a point. That's what Spike Lee says.

And *Argo*, I really enjoyed. It's amazing how you can see a movie, and the best part of the movie, the worst part of the movie, can both be Ben Affleck. It's, uh, uh, I mean the guy is the number one director in the world right now, I think, and you can take that to the bank, Steven Soderbergh. Uh, uh. But also, enough with taking your shirt off. Why don't you leave that to, to me.

Best Actor in a Leading Role is the second category I'm looking at here. Bradley Cooper, *Silver Linings Playbook*, I saw him. Daniel Day-Lewis in *Lincoln*, really enjoyed *There Will Be Blood*, at least most of it. Hugh Jackman in *Les Misérables*, Wolverine. I saw a guy on the street the other day with Wolverine shaved into the side of his head. That was amazing. Really tough looking guy, too. Joaquin Phoenix for *The Master*. Didn't see that. Denzel Washington for *Flight*. One Black guy. Only one. Everybody else, white guys, middle-aged white guys. Two of whom are totally insane.

Say, probably, let's go Denzel Washington, because he's the man. I was going to say if there's one man that I would make love to, but we all know. Or even if we don't, it's still not important what the history is of what a man does. I'm going to say Denzel Washington.

Actor in a Supporting Role. Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, for *Argo*, *Silver Linings Playbook*. Philip Seymour Hoffman, *The Master*. Tommy Lee Jones was in *Lincoln*. That's cool. Christoph Waltz for *Django Unchained*. I'm going to say... Christoph Waltz for *Django Unchained*. I would enjoy dancing the waltz with a young lady, or a young lady, and take her around the ballroom, try not to step on her feet, maybe take her back to my place to do with as a couple.

Uh, Actress in a Leading Role. Uh, Jessica Chastain, *Zero Dark Thirty*. Again, I saw some of her. Uh, Jessica Chastain, Actress in a Supporting Role, *Lincoln*.

To be honest, there's something playing on my mind right now. There's something that's been upsetting me, keeping me up at night. Uh, I've been blacklisted, I think, in the, uh, in the, uh, uh, from all of the middle school student films. I worked with a young director named Giovanni Guzmales, 14-year-old, in the film *The Fart Police*. Thank you. And I think I've talked about this before on other podcasts, and I described his directing style. And I believe I did that by just making the sound of flatulence. That may not have been the classiest way to refer to a 14-year-old's directing, but I stand by him. I think it was accurate. And, uh, he's told all of his little buddies, uh, male and female, some of whom I had, uh, uh, deal memos with for their, for their shorts, this term, uh, uh, that I was difficult to work with, that, uh, I spent a long time in the restroom, that, uh, I made their parents uncomfortable, uh, that I ate way more than, than my share of the craft services. I didn't realize it was a shared table.

And the worst part of it all is he is the reason we do not have a guest today. Giovanni Guzmales, and I don't have proof, but I believe that he lied to me on the internet. I believe that he created a fake profile for John C. Reilly. And he said he was going to come on my show, and he was going to talk to me about doing dramatic acting and comedic acting and Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. He was going to talk to me about him and whether or not there was a prosthetic used. I think there was, but I'd love to hear it from John C. Reilly's mouth. I was very excited. I cleaned my apartment because I thought John C. Reilly was coming by.

(clip)

Giovanni Guzmales: I can't come. I gotta... I gotta wash my car. So... fuck you, Dan Rodandan. Don't spend so much time in the bathroom.

Dan Rodandan: You would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that last sentence. I think that was the tip-off. Giovanni, I got some words for you. They are: stop it. Stop it right now. I am trying to, I'm trying to have a career here. I've given up everything. I used to be a middle school administrator. I used to be a high school administrator. And I, I know how you kids work. I know how you operate. I know how you talk to each other. And I'm just, you know, I'm just gonna say stop it. And, uh, I'm gonna say sorry. And I'm gonna say fuck you and your mother and her cooking and your restroom, which was confusing, by the way. Took me about 45 seconds to figure out how to flush the toilet, and I've been in bathrooms before.

Let's, let's take some calls. Time to take some calls. Take your calls. Dan Rodandan calls. Let's take calls. 917-214-8DAN. 917-214-8DAN. That's how you spell my name, D-A-N, R-O-D-A-N-D-A-N. Three Dans. Dan Rodandan. And answering your phone calls.

I let it run a little bit long today, but I needed to pick myself up, needed to cheer up. Needed to shake off the dust and the cobwebs and the flavor dust from my Doritos. I'm ready to listen. Let's hit that button.

(voicemail beep)

Walter: Hey, Dan. This is Walter. I'm an aspiring actor, and I have a little bit of a stutter.

Dan Rodandan: What? I think he's going to say a stutter. Speech impediment. I was close.

Walter: Wondering what...

Dan Rodandan: Oh, my God.

Walter: Wondering... wondering what...

Dan Rodandan: You just wanted to call and brag about a speech impediment? Hey, Dan Rodandan. I'm sorry. That was not a good impression. Let me try again.

(45 minutes later)

Dan Rodandan: You know, honestly, my advice to you as an actor is hang yourself on your own clothesline at your parents' house. You caught me on a bad day. I'm in a bad mood. My real advice: take some diction class. Take some speech classes. I guess. I can teach them. I charge. Do you have money? I got a Square card, so now I can take credit card payments on my iPod touch. So again, my number, 917-214-8DAN. Dan is spelled 326. But yeah, I can teach you how to talk. You want to come over here, I'll be nice to you. Let's do... right now. If I put the butter in my batter, it'll make my batter better. So you say that. Very good. Actually, don't come over. It'll be too frustrating. Let's take another call.

(voicemail beep)

Todd Raines: Hey, Dan. This is Todd Raines. Yes. Yes. As in Can't Stop the Raines. I don't really have a question for you. Maybe I'll come up with one later. I just wanted to mention right off the bat that I am a natural actor. I don't believe in acting class. I didn't need any supposed acting class to get me a spot in my school play in sixth grade. It's been a few years since then. But my own assessment of myself. You know, some people might be good. Some people might have talent. I would say that I'm pretty much made out of magic as a skill level I'm bringing. You know, and I say that without personal bias. I'm using my own objectionable standard here. But so I'm driving down this weekend to take over Hollywood. Over. I don't have any money right now, but I wondered if you wanted to spend some time and money learning from me, question mark, or I could sleep on your couch. There's a couple different package options here right now. Todd Raines.

Dan Rodandan: Wow. I have to say I learned a lot just from that phone call. For, I learned that you have a car. That's great. I learned that you want to sleep on my couch. I, I'm okay with that too. I think if you drive over here, you sleep on my couch, we could share the car, we could, we could talk to each other about acting. I know that you said you're a natural actor and that you're made of magic. Those are two things that I, I'm very interested in learning about. What do you eat to be made of magic? What's your diet consist of? Uh, what does it smell like when you, uh, relieve yourself of that magic. Do you have a lover? If so, what is that like? Is there anything magic happening there?

Also, I know that you said that you don't believe in acting classes. Let me tell you something that my dad says. I don't believe in God, but I sure am afraid of him. You take one of my classes and I'll make you afraid of me, tough guy. You think you're going to stroll into here and take over Hollywood, I say, let's do it together. With your magic, and I have a gun, we can, we can, I think we can make, we can make it happen.

Todd Raines, that's a strong name. Can't stop the Raines. Yeah, I should give my own. Can't, can't, can't roll the, can't roll the danded. I'm a Rodandan lion. Let's see. I'm a Rodandan fever. There's already Oscar Fever. I'll think of one. We're going to be an acting team, you and me. I think we're going to be like Cagney and Lacey, or Greta and Garbo. We're going to... Yeah, come for a sleepover.

Thank you everybody. That number again is 917-214-8DAN. And I'm Dan Rodandan, and looking forward to meeting Todd Raines.