Dan Rodandan: Guacamole, rock and rolly, these are rhymes. Dan Rodandan.

You know, sometimes you can take a word like rock and roll, which is a word that everybody knows, and sometimes you can take a word like guacamole, which is something that's a little bit more southwestern, a little bit more cowboy, a little more Chicano, or Hispanic, or delicious, full of the good kind of fat, the kind of fat that keeps away the arthritis. Out of it. You can make a song out of anything. You can make a scene out of anything. Just ask Greg Proops or Ryan Stiles or any of the other guys that I watch on my torrents of whose line is it these days. And I wanted to start tonight by saying thank you to everybody out there who left a review. I want to say thank you to everybody out there who gave some stars on iTunes. And I wanted to remind everybody that if you'd like to call me, that number is 917-214-8DAN. And Dan, of course, is 326 if you have a rotary phone or if you just can't read. So those numbers again, 917-214-8-326. Feel free to call, leave a message, ask an acting question. I would prefer that rather than you just like getting weird about it or what some of the other people do. Or just asking about timeshares. That's another thing. And a lot of calls about timeshares. And I can't afford it. I would love to go to your meeting, but I can't afford it. The Poconos sound lovely. Thank you. But I digress.

I have some great news. I have some excellent news. As you know, or as you may know, if you've been listening to the podcast, and the great thing about podcasts is you can go back, if you have any questions about what you're hearing about, and listen to the older ones, get the backstory, because they're all there. But there's a gentleman who has been calling my show, a gentleman who is my, I said this once before, my mentor and my tormentor, a man named Todd Raines. Chaos Raines. Todd Raines. Yes, Todd Raines, as in can't stop the Raines. He offered to come and live on my couch. He offered for me to make him dinner every night, whether he'll show... I'm not ashamed to say I've been doing. He said, throw some bison on the stove and keep it warm. And I did. Anytime he doesn't come by, I eat two portions of bison. I have to say that I have never felt better. I'm losing weight. I have the energy to do between eight and nine push-ups every morning when I wake up. Or afternoon when I wake up. Because it's usually the afternoon when I wake up. But, or even the late evening, depending on how much bathtub wine I could get my hands on. That really depends on how long I've been fermenting it.

But I wanted to welcome a man that I've only heard from and never talked to. A man, a man who self-proclaimed that he was made of, wait for it, thank you *How I Met Your Mother*, magic. He's made of magic. He is a magician. But he's not. He's an actor. He just happenstantially is made of magic. Welcome to the show, Todd Raines. Say hello, Todd.

Todd Raines: Hello, Dan.

Dan Rodandan: We finally made it in person.

Todd Raines: What do you mean?

Dan Rodandan: I mean I don't have to... anymore. We can finally confront each other. Conflict is the foundation on which drama is built. You can ask Plato. You can ask Sophocles or Socrates or anybody else who knows the right way to do it. And it sounds like somebody knows the right way to do it. Comes right off the bat. Gives a little mystery. Says conflict. Todd Raines. Todd Raines, you... you said that you were going to come and take over Hollywood. I say go on.

Todd Raines: Well, I mean, it's just a matter of time, really. I mean, what else is Hollywood going to do once they get a load of hot Raines?

Dan Rodandan: So basically you're saying, hey, Hollywood, get a load of me.

Todd Raines: Look, they're going to see really soon what I can do, and then they're going to probably have to set down Hollywood for a week, going to have to say, well, what do we do now with all these movies we have in production because we want to cast Todd Raines in all of them. I'm going to be probably starting in like 20 movies by the end of this year.

Dan Rodandan: So you're basically going to be Shia LaBeouf five years ago and James Franco this year.

Todd Raines: That seems an accurate enough assessment.

Dan Rodandan: Wow. Todd Raines calling his shot, much like Babe Ruth, pointing at the stand saying, hey, Hollywood, here comes your boy. Shut down production for a week. Everybody get laid. Indiana Jones, I'm the new James Bond.

Todd Raines: No, no, I'm none of those things because all of those guys are now named Todd Raines. When you've got the magic touch, like I do, I can't really help it. I can't even stop the Raines.

Dan Rodandan: So what you're saying is that Todd Raines is an unstoppable force.

Todd Raines: Todd Raines is an immovable object. He cannot stop the Raines.

Dan Rodandan: Todd Raines, how many women have you made love to? Or men, I don't know what your game is yet. How many human beings have you made love to?

Todd Raines: Look, I don't keep score because I couldn't keep score at this point.

Dan Rodandan: Oh, my God. It's like how many stars are in the sky? How many grains of sand are in the beach? How many grains of sand are in the beach? I'd say a lot, probably a lot. You wear a condom? I'm sorry, I'm freaking out right now. I feel like... Yeah, I remember a couple of weeks ago in your message, you said that you were going to drive out here to Los Angeles, and maybe you'd stay with me, maybe you wouldn't.

Todd Raines: Well, I mean, funds at the moment are modest. Once I have things a little better going, it's just going to be a matter of momentum, really. It's kind of like the Big Bang. Yeah, at first, like, there wasn't really a whole lot going on with the universe, and then now we have all this. So basically, I'm like the second Big Bang.

Dan Rodandan: Holy smokes.

Todd Raines: Yes.

Dan Rodandan: All right, Todd, I have a few more questions for you. I wrote down a few because I was worried I would get too nervous during the interview. And at this point, I think it's safe to say that I am a bit too nervous. So I'd like to read from my sheet here a couple of questions I have that maybe we'll get things back on track. Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Todd Raines: People around me are almost like pets. They're just kind of on a slower level than me. I don't really need actual animals to keep me entertained or anything. I just, you know, you kind of feel like a little furry pet. Now let me tell you about Silent Birth. Okay. When a woman gives birth to a child, it's the most important moment in her life. And when I give birth to an important scene, an important moment in cinema history, it is exactly like a man giving childbirth. So you are welcome, listener, for understanding what it's like for Todd Raines to create magic every day.

Dan Rodandan: Todd, do you have any tips? Do you have any advice for the people at home?

Todd Raines: You're not Todd Raines, so you already kind of got one strike against you. But you can at least do things to make Todd Raines happy, just make Todd Raines' life easier. I mean, it's kind of hard for me to park in California, I'm sure. So, like, if a lot of other actors could just kind of go away, that would be really cool. And also, you know, when I have to audition for things, a lot of other people show up for these auditions. And I don't really care for that. I wish those people would kind of go away also.

Dan Rodandan: Todd, come here. Come stay on my couch. I would love to have you as my roommate. You and I, we could eat bison together. We could do scenes all day. You could spread your magic. I'd love to be the witness to you taking over Hollywood. You be LeBron James. I'll be Gilbert Arenas.

Todd Raines: Um, I do have a Facebook page that everyone needs to visit. I'm trying to get 100,000 likes by the end of this month and just kind of increase it by one million in the following months after that once the momentum grows.

Dan Rodandan: All right, let's wrap it up.

Todd Raines: Well, I cut the bullshit, Dan. Can we talk a little more about me? I was told once before by my acting teacher or, you know, the last play I was in in sixth grade, he told me that I was untrainable as an actor. And I took that as the highest compliment. So I don't really want to have to talk acting any more than you have to talk to Jesus about religion. I mean, I think he pretty well knows everything.

Dan Rodandan: That's a good point.

Todd Raines: I don't really have to believe in other religions. I just have to believe in myself. I'm not saying that I am a god exactly, but that believing in myself has given me all the religious satisfaction that I need.

Dan Rodandan: Well, I have to tell you, I don't want to say quivering, but I do not feel like I could go on. Aspiring actor Todd Raines. He's a national treasure, and I think we have taken up far too much of his time tonight. Let us have a moment of silence followed by the Dan Rodandan song.

(sings)

Dan Rodandan: Dan Rodandan, look at your life. I'll be drinking some bathtub wine tonight.