Romantic Comedy Monologues

Do you know my name? Spring has sprung, boy. Yo, yo, yo, yo. That's the sound of the world warming up. Welcome. Welcome, everyone. My name is Dan Rodandan, of course. As you know, because you downloaded this podcast, what's the name of this podcast? The name of this podcast is acting coach Dan Rodandan teaching actors how to act. And wouldn't you know it, I have an actor here with me today. I have a guest. We're not going to get to that individual yet.

About this person. Why am I not using pronouns? Because today we have a first, we have a treat, we have an in-studio guest. And by in-studio, I mean sitting across from me on a beanbag chair while I sit on a stack of magazines with an iPod Touch in between us in the studio. This is Hollywood, baby, or adjacent to it, I would say, the Hawaiian Gardens area of Los Angeles.

If you'd like to give me a call, you're welcome to do that. My number is 917-214-8DAN. Of course, that number again, as I said, and my dad always said, say it twice or else nobody's going to know what the fuck you're talking about. 917-214-8DAN. Dan is spelled 326. Thank you, Dad.

And my guest today is a beautiful young starlet, an up-and-coming gal. Wants to be an actress, a gal who I met today, a gal who is in her heart, or at least in her eyes, an actress. I met her today at the Barnes & Noble. She was looking at some books, sort of while she was reading. I could see that her mouth was moving, so I got a little bit closer, and I could hear that she was sort of reading it out loud, sort of reading scripts out loud, and I thought, well, you know, that's something I, I, you know, I respect that. I believe that the works, uh, the artistic works of fiction should be spoken, never read. So, uh, and I, I feel like I have a kindred spirit in that, uh, uh, department. Sorry, but I have a little bit of indigestion because I was eating a burrito that may, uh, may have got a couple of days past the, uh, sell-by date, but, uh, I mean, what can you do? This is, you know, Bob is America.

I'm here with my guest. Please introduce yourself. I didn't mean to get off track. The beautiful young lady with the thick glasses. What is your name?

Say it loud. Say it to America.

Kelsey Olsen. Are there any other famous Olsens out there in the entertainment industry? Can you think of any?

Right. The Olsen twins. The Olsen twins. Right. So you're hoping to break into that Olsen market, because those two had a very...

Well, sure, I mean, you're not a child, right?

Yeah. Right. You're not a baby.

You're a full-grown woman.

Post-puberty body. I'm just saying you're a lady. You are a human female, a male with secondary sex characteristics and all the things that make a woman a woman.

You don't have braces.

So you came to Los Angeles.

Glittering your eyeballs. You hear that?

That's the garbage van.

He's here to pick up the bodies.

I'm just kidding. But there is a lot of violence in this neighborhood, so would you go? It's probably best that I walk you wherever you're heading.

Anybody expecting you?

Anywhere to be?

What do you call her?

You say what? Hey, Bob, today I went to work. I had roommates. What do you do in Los Angeles?

All right. Well, hopefully today has been an opportunity for you because I, acting coach Dan Rodandan, the premier acting coach of the Hawaiian Gardens area, have invited you into my campus, I guess. And I've got a couple of scenes here. A couple of scenes here I think would be very valuable for you and I to do a little bit of scene work.

I have four monologues from four romantic comedies. And I could not find any female monologues. Apparently screenwriters are very sexist. You know, even Aaron Sorkin. Think about it.

You know, did you see the Facebook movie?

All the women were fucking crazy in that movie.

Think about that.

Even the most respected screenwriters hate women. So you have two monologues. They're both male roles. But this is a great exercise for an up-and-coming actress. I want you to make them your own.

Feminize them. Make them express the Olsen out of them. So what we're going to do is I'll read one, and then we're going to pretend this is one scene. This is four different movies, but we're going to pretend this is one scene.

I'll say my piece, and then you'll say, well, in response to that, and then you'll say your monologue, and I'll say, well, I hear that, but then I also have this to say, and then I'll say my monologue, and then we'll end on your last monologue.

And then we'll just, and then after that, you and I will just see where that goes. I mean, feel free to explore the space.

The mic, right? Sure. I don't... yeah. Point your face at the mic.

Yeah, that's what I want you to do.

No, I just wanted to make sure I'm doing it. All right, well, let's get started.

Hey, get your own.

Nope.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion stating, or starting, general opinion starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Even if it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, Dan Rather, but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the flames hit the Twin Towers, Giuliani, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge. They were messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion. Love actually, accurately, Love Actually is all around, please.

I hear what you're saying. And in response to that, I found out all about you. The more I found out, the more you dazzled me. I mean, shook my world, changed my life, dazzled me. Guys like your ex-husband of yours. I mean, he made you feel that the price that you had to pay for being you is that you don't get to have love. Isn't that what you're trying to say the other night? That you weren't complete? That you weren't really a winner like that? Everything about you. How smart you are. How good you are. Everything that makes me want. All that stuff makes me watch you even more. You know. Oh boy. Sort of looks like I'm here at one of the morning, trying to be heroic, trying to rescue you, but the truth is I'm the one that needs to be rescued here. I sure wish I could read your mind.

Well, you know what I said? It responds to that.

You're right, I'm sorry. Keep going.

You got this. I believe in you.

One.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. But you want to be an actor, right?

I'm going to give you direction. The first piece of direction I want to give you is make it move. Make it move like a locomotive or like an automobile, like a bicycle, or maybe a cross-country skier. I'm not going to do all the work for you. Until you make it move. And I'm going to sit patiently while you prepare yourself to read a monologue to me.

Nope. Could you be a little more committed to your craft?

Oh, you are excused. Please begin.

Didn't move. Stop moving.

Stop moving.

If you make ultimatums, you're not going to make it in this biz.

What?

All right, go on.

Go out into this neighborhood alone. With your color and your age at this time of night.

Oh, I'm the one who's inappropriate. You're the one who's going to get murdered.

I'm just saying. Know where you are. Know your real estate. You gotta know the territory, as Harold Hill said in the music band, or at least somebody said that.

No, I'm just like telling you the lay of the land. I am a cartographer.

Oh Christ, it's 4:30. You're right, I'm sorry. I'm going to go and get on a bus or catch a cab, okay? Oh, tell me your life story.

Just read the monologue. You want to learn how to act or you want to just like...

I didn't even tell you to take your top off. Oh, hey, I'm an actor, an actor coach. An actor, a goddamn upload.