{
  "language": "en-us",
  "text": "**Dan Rodandan:** Have a great summer and stay cool. Hey, you are super funny in math. I'm yearbook Dan. Just kidding. That's just, you know, some of the stock phrases that you can tell your young friends to put in other people's yearbook. It's always a classic. Stay cool. Because summer is usually a hot time of year, and it also indicates that you, my young friend, I already think you're cool, and I would appreciate it if you continued that course of action. That would please me as an acquaintance of yours. And you were funny in math because math is not a fun subject. Anyway, tell your kids, write as many yearbooks as you can. People hold on to those. It's good publicity. I knew this guy when.\n\nYou know who's in my yearbook. Yeah. The guy who, well, not him, but his cousin. The guy who's Carlton on *The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air*. His cousin Ray. They look a lot alike. He's a good guy. So, I mean, there are a lot of hidden treasures and gems inside these books that you can find.\n\nPractice your autograph. I write it with my right hand. I write it with my left hand. Sometimes I put other people's last names in front of my name. And I pretend we got married. And that I'm a girl. I do that less now. But it's something I did when I was younger. I say, I'm Dan Swanson. I'm Dan Michaelston. I'm Dan Gunderson. There were a lot of Norwegian or Swedish people in the city I grew up in. I'm not going to tell you which city that was. Spoiler alert! I don't know if that phrase applies, but it sure felt good to say.\n\nBut the important thing to let you know is that I have a guest. I have a guest today. I have a guest in studio. And here come our friends. Can you hear them? They seem to make a cameo on every single podcast. I can't tell if that's police or ambulance from here, but it's getting closer. It's always getting closer. Every time. Someday they'll be coming for me. But who's going to pull the trigger? Spoiler alert.\n\nAnyway, as I was saying, I have a guest, a good friend of mine, who I met this afternoon, or rather this morning, as it is very early in the morning, though I haven't slept. This is day three for me with no sleep, because there's an issue with my air conditioning and my heater. They're both going at full blast, and I don't know what to do about that. It's sort of the feelings of a fever without actually being sick, although who knows, because I don't have a thermometer. I could be very sick as well.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Has assured me that it feels horrible in here. It's very muggy.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** I told you not to say anything until I introduced you.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, Dan?\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Very good. Thank you. Anyway, the voice you're hearing is the voice of a stand-up comedian, aspiring stand-up comedian, Timothy. Is it Timothy or Tim?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Tim.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Tim. Was it Tagtmeier?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yes.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Tim Tagtmeyer. I sort of butchered that intro. Do you have an intro that you like? Do you have anything written on a card or something that DJs or the morning radio people usually say? Or even MCs or other abbreviated titles?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I do. But I don't feel comfortable sharing it. I don't know if this is the place for it. You know.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** What better place than here?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. So let me read it for you. You might have seen this next guy on playgrounds or at bus stations. The always wonderful and impeccably well-dressed Tim Tagtmeyer. And then the crowd will roar.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** There's a roar. They'll stand up. And you are a, what kind of a comedian? Are you a dirty comedian? You tell swears? You go up there and you just say, hey, fuck everything. Hey, Jesus. You one of those kind of guys?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No. No.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Hey, Barack Obama. He's George Bush. One of those kind of guys?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** You know, I don't go into the political too much. It seems like a slippery slope.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Okay. So we know what you don't do, but what do you do?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** That's a great question. Well, I have a lot of, you know, day-to-day stuff. You know, girlfriend, TV.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Observational humor.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah. Sort of in the Seinfeld style. Do you guys know the... A lot of that. A lot of jokes start that way. Hey, do you guys know? Hey, have you ever been on... Do you guys know airplanes?\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Do I know where airplanes? Those are in the sky. You guys taking those? Man, those seats.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No, I don't tell a lot of those, but stuff like that, sure.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Was that really... I mean, honestly, let's be real. Let's man-to-man here. Let's hear a good... Give us a sample of what people... You are trying to promote yourself, right? Do you have a show coming up? When is your show? By the way, my number is 917-214-8DAN. If you'd like to leave me a message, that number is 917-214-8DAN. Dan is spelled 326. Go ahead, you were saying? You have a show coming up? We also have an email address. But I'll get to that later. Go on.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. So I'm new to the Los Angeles area, and a lot of the shows are different here because they're bringer shows.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Did you just break wind? Is there wind breaking? Is that why the ambulance was coming? Because someone broke a wind? You were saying it's a bringer show?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Right, you have to bring people to the comedy club, otherwise they don't really want to put you up.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You have to go to their house, pick them up, drive them to the show. You're like a taxi driver.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I wish it was that easy. No, you have to go out and pass out flyers and sell tickets to shows. And when you sell as many as 35 tickets, they'll finally let you do a set.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** How many shows have you done?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Well, since I moved to Los Angeles, I've done one.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** It's been a couple months. You went to a couple months ago.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** No, recently.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's been a couple months until I got a show. A lot of people you have to bring, and a lot of people don't necessarily want to go to the... They want to go to the Fallons. They want to go see the big show.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** What's it, Fallon? They want to see the TV shows. Jimmy Fallon.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Oh, they want to go sit in the audience of a television show. Yeah. Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien. They don't want to see a stand-up club. So you have to, you have to, I mean, I've told you.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** All right, so you're going to have a show at some point in the future.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. A couple weeks, I think. A few weeks. I mean, who knows when this is even, if this is even going to come out.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Yeah. And, all right, so do some of your material. Let's hear it.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. So, all right. You guys obviously noticed my mustache.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** By the way, everybody, he has a mustache, sort of a handlebar mustache. One of the sides is sort of twisted up. The other one is sort of twisted down. I don't know if it's intentional. It's a statement. But it sort of looks like a sideways S.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah, it is.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You know, they say one of the most important characteristics for beauty is symmetry. I just wanted to point that out.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** You guys notice I have a mustache. I get asked a lot of questions. One of the questions I get asked is, do you own a van? I don't. I rent one because it's easier to mask the paperwork. Another question I get asked, do you wax your mustache? I do. You know, for special occasions, obviously it's not waxed tonight. Sorry, guys. Not a special occasion enough. I do. When I first started getting mustache waxed, they come in two colors, dries clear or dries brown. Dries clear is a misnomer because it doesn't actually dry clear, it dries white. So when you've got it all in your mustache, it just looks like someone came into your mustache. Looks like you took a couple of loads of cum in your mustache and or on your face and it just dripped into your mustache.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You have a very interesting style. I'll say that. So what, semen? You have semen on your face is the joke?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** A lot of people say that the mustache is the side...\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** What's funny about semen on your face? It's the image. That's an intimate moment between two people in most cases. Two guys, really.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure, from time to time.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Guys will blast each other in the face with semen and that, that's something that, that's, that's not something to make fun of. That's, that's beautiful. It's a very special moment.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** But I, I did not know that that's how it was going to look. So, uh, for instance you would imagine me on a, on a nice evening when I was first waxing my mustache and people got the impression that I had just come from being with a gentleman friend.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** So essentially you, you're taking a visual joke from *There's Something About Mary* and turning it into a homophobic joke.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** If that's how you want to interpret it.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** And that's comedy.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure, that's comedy.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** I read that in a book. Joke book? Big Red Rock-Eater? Did you read that one?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Hey, hey, what's big, red, and eats rocks? I don't know. A Big Red Rock-Eater. What's the joke about that one? Huh? That doesn't... what's the joke? The joke is that you thought it was going to be something clever.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. You know, you should understand that kind of humor.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** But it seems to be yours.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. Hey, so a lot of people, uh, say that the mustache is a thigh tickler, but it's really not a thigh tickler. The sideburns tickle the thighs. The mustache is more of a sponge.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Wow. That is an image.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** A lot of times I end that section. I was saying, yes, a lot of you may be thinking, I do actually have a girl tied up on the train tracks. But she signed a consent form, so it's not a big deal. Also, she knows about my sponge mustache. Because she's tied up.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** I like that song. Girl. Does she ride a bike? All right, let's, you and me, what do you say we have a truce here? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I feel like you're making me, to quote John Travolta. You got a race car in the red here. You want a race car in the red. And then to quote Samuel Jackson. I am a nuclear bomb dropping motherfucker. So I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to count in my head to 30. During that time, I would very much like to hear you make me laugh.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. Now then, okay. So I turn my, sometimes I accidentally turn my girlfriend off and I don't really mean to. Recently she was in the kitchen. She was frying a steak, and she said, does this side look good? Should I flip it? Then I said, yeah, yeah, you can flip it. Flip it real good. Flip it real good.\n\n[sings]\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Ah, push it. Push it. Ah, push it. Push it. And needless to say, we didn't have sex that night.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Okay. All right, man. Oh, man. Brought you back. It's the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen in my life. At first I didn't know what you were doing, talking about a steak. Okay, flip it, flip the steak to the tune. Who is that? Who is that? TLC? Salt and Pepper? Salt and Pepper. Pepper. Salt and Pepper. Pepper. Okay. That's amazing. You thought of that.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I thought of that. That actually happened. That's a real thing that actually happened.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You really did that in life.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You wanted to have sex with your girlfriend. She was making you a steak. Those are two pretty cool things.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Then you walk in there and you sing a song to her. You just say, flip it. Do it again. Do it again. Do the song again.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Flip it real good. Flip it real good.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** I think you should send an email to Salt and Pepper and say, hey, look, I have my own version. I would love to open for you. I think you got, oh, my God, you nearly killed me. I think Pepper might have died. Is Pepper really dead? I don't really know. You have a photo. Let's look it up. Let's see. You know, my neighbor had a dog. The dog's name was Pepper. It was a small dog. The dog would bark every time I walked by, so I thought he was mean. Well, he wasn't mean. I remember one time I tried to give him some cheese. He ate it. He threw it up on the carpet, a new carpet. I was never allowed over at my friend's house again, my neighbor's house. We were really friends. One time he told me he would give me a hundred cookies if I showed him my butt. I showed him my butt. Didn't get any cookies.\n\nSo I guess Pepa in 1999 married Treach of the rap group Naughty by Nature, but due to allegations of physical abuse by Treach, they divorced in 2001. That's the last that the internet has about her. So she's still alive probably then?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Probably.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Okay, well, email her. Say, I'd like to open for you, Pepa.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** That is some good stuff. That is some classic stuff. How can people get a hold of you if they want to buy these tickets?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Well, you can see me at The Grove for the bringer shows. That would be great. You can go to Facebook and search for Tim Tagtmeyer, my comedian page. I have a comedian page on Facebook. Comedian Tim Tagtmeyer on Facebook. And I also do some occasional work with sketch group Bully Mammoth.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Which is what?\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's a sketch group.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** I don't know if I stutter. What does that mean? You're not stuttering. Words I don't understand.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's a lot like, I guess, comedy theater. There are sketches and characters.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** So it's like skits, like you're camping. There's characters.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** We are artisans of making characters.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** You know, we're both speaking English, but I feel like we're speaking different languages here.\n\n**Tim Tagtmeyer:** We probably are speaking different liggages.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Did you say leggages? That's what I heard. Real comedian, aren't you? Funny guy. You want to have a fist fight? You're gonna hear two thuds. Me hitting you. You hitting the ground. You ever heard that one before? Joke about a guy. Fuck.",
  "paragraphs": [
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Have a great summer and stay cool. Hey, you are super funny in math. I'm yearbook Dan. Just kidding. That's just, you know, some of the stock phrases that you can tell your young friends to put in other people's yearbook. It's always a classic. Stay cool. Because summer is usually a hot time of year, and it also indicates that you, my young friend, I already think you're cool, and I would appreciate it if you continued that course of action. That would please me as an acquaintance of yours. And you were funny in math because math is not a fun subject. Anyway, tell your kids, write as many yearbooks as you can. People hold on to those. It's good publicity. I knew this guy when.\n\nYou know who's in my yearbook. Yeah. The guy who, well, not him, but his cousin. The guy who's Carlton on *The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air*. His cousin Ray. They look a lot alike. He's a good guy. So, I mean, there are a lot of hidden treasures and gems inside these books that you can find.\n\nPractice your autograph. I write it with my right hand. I write it with my left hand. Sometimes I put other people's last names in front of my name. And I pretend we got married. And that I'm a girl. I do that less now. But it's something I did when I was younger. I say, I'm Dan Swanson. I'm Dan Michaelston. I'm Dan Gunderson. There were a lot of Norwegian or Swedish people in the city I grew up in. I'm not going to tell you which city that was. Spoiler alert! I don't know if that phrase applies, but it sure felt good to say.\n\nBut the important thing to let you know is that I have a guest. I have a guest today. I have a guest in studio. And here come our friends. Can you hear them? They seem to make a cameo on every single podcast. I can't tell if that's police or ambulance from here, but it's getting closer. It's always getting closer. Every time. Someday they'll be coming for me. But who's going to pull the trigger? Spoiler alert.\n\nAnyway, as I was saying, I have a guest, a good friend of mine, who I met this afternoon, or rather this morning, as it is very early in the morning, though I haven't slept. This is day three for me with no sleep, because there's an issue with my air conditioning and my heater. They're both going at full blast, and I don't know what to do about that. It's sort of the feelings of a fever without actually being sick, although who knows, because I don't have a thermometer. I could be very sick as well.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Has assured me that it feels horrible in here. It's very muggy.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** I told you not to say anything until I introduced you.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, Dan?",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Very good. Thank you. Anyway, the voice you're hearing is the voice of a stand-up comedian, aspiring stand-up comedian, Timothy. Is it Timothy or Tim?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Tim.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Tim. Was it Tagtmeier?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yes.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Tim Tagtmeyer. I sort of butchered that intro. Do you have an intro that you like? Do you have anything written on a card or something that DJs or the morning radio people usually say? Or even MCs or other abbreviated titles?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I do. But I don't feel comfortable sharing it. I don't know if this is the place for it. You know.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** What better place than here?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. So let me read it for you. You might have seen this next guy on playgrounds or at bus stations. The always wonderful and impeccably well-dressed Tim Tagtmeyer. And then the crowd will roar.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** There's a roar. They'll stand up. And you are a, what kind of a comedian? Are you a dirty comedian? You tell swears? You go up there and you just say, hey, fuck everything. Hey, Jesus. You one of those kind of guys?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No. No.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Hey, Barack Obama. He's George Bush. One of those kind of guys?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** You know, I don't go into the political too much. It seems like a slippery slope.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Okay. So we know what you don't do, but what do you do?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** That's a great question. Well, I have a lot of, you know, day-to-day stuff. You know, girlfriend, TV.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Observational humor.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah. Sort of in the Seinfeld style. Do you guys know the... A lot of that. A lot of jokes start that way. Hey, do you guys know? Hey, have you ever been on... Do you guys know airplanes?",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Do I know where airplanes? Those are in the sky. You guys taking those? Man, those seats.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No, I don't tell a lot of those, but stuff like that, sure.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Was that really... I mean, honestly, let's be real. Let's man-to-man here. Let's hear a good... Give us a sample of what people... You are trying to promote yourself, right? Do you have a show coming up? When is your show? By the way, my number is 917-214-8DAN. If you'd like to leave me a message, that number is 917-214-8DAN. Dan is spelled 326. Go ahead, you were saying? You have a show coming up? We also have an email address. But I'll get to that later. Go on.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. So I'm new to the Los Angeles area, and a lot of the shows are different here because they're bringer shows.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Did you just break wind? Is there wind breaking? Is that why the ambulance was coming? Because someone broke a wind? You were saying it's a bringer show?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Right, you have to bring people to the comedy club, otherwise they don't really want to put you up.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You have to go to their house, pick them up, drive them to the show. You're like a taxi driver.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I wish it was that easy. No, you have to go out and pass out flyers and sell tickets to shows. And when you sell as many as 35 tickets, they'll finally let you do a set.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** How many shows have you done?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Well, since I moved to Los Angeles, I've done one.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** It's been a couple months. You went to a couple months ago.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** No, recently.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's been a couple months until I got a show. A lot of people you have to bring, and a lot of people don't necessarily want to go to the... They want to go to the Fallons. They want to go see the big show.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** What's it, Fallon? They want to see the TV shows. Jimmy Fallon.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Oh, they want to go sit in the audience of a television show. Yeah. Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien. They don't want to see a stand-up club. So you have to, you have to, I mean, I've told you.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** All right, so you're going to have a show at some point in the future.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. A couple weeks, I think. A few weeks. I mean, who knows when this is even, if this is even going to come out.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Yeah. And, all right, so do some of your material. Let's hear it.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. So, all right. You guys obviously noticed my mustache.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** By the way, everybody, he has a mustache, sort of a handlebar mustache. One of the sides is sort of twisted up. The other one is sort of twisted down. I don't know if it's intentional. It's a statement. But it sort of looks like a sideways S.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah, it is.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You know, they say one of the most important characteristics for beauty is symmetry. I just wanted to point that out.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** You guys notice I have a mustache. I get asked a lot of questions. One of the questions I get asked is, do you own a van? I don't. I rent one because it's easier to mask the paperwork. Another question I get asked, do you wax your mustache? I do. You know, for special occasions, obviously it's not waxed tonight. Sorry, guys. Not a special occasion enough. I do. When I first started getting mustache waxed, they come in two colors, dries clear or dries brown. Dries clear is a misnomer because it doesn't actually dry clear, it dries white. So when you've got it all in your mustache, it just looks like someone came into your mustache. Looks like you took a couple of loads of cum in your mustache and or on your face and it just dripped into your mustache.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You have a very interesting style. I'll say that. So what, semen? You have semen on your face is the joke?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** A lot of people say that the mustache is the side...",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** What's funny about semen on your face? It's the image. That's an intimate moment between two people in most cases. Two guys, really.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure, from time to time.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Guys will blast each other in the face with semen and that, that's something that, that's, that's not something to make fun of. That's, that's beautiful. It's a very special moment.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** But I, I did not know that that's how it was going to look. So, uh, for instance you would imagine me on a, on a nice evening when I was first waxing my mustache and people got the impression that I had just come from being with a gentleman friend.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** So essentially you, you're taking a visual joke from *There's Something About Mary* and turning it into a homophobic joke.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** If that's how you want to interpret it.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** And that's comedy.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure, that's comedy.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** I read that in a book. Joke book? Big Red Rock-Eater? Did you read that one?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** No.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Hey, hey, what's big, red, and eats rocks? I don't know. A Big Red Rock-Eater. What's the joke about that one? Huh? That doesn't... what's the joke? The joke is that you thought it was going to be something clever.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. You know, you should understand that kind of humor.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** But it seems to be yours.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure. Hey, so a lot of people, uh, say that the mustache is a thigh tickler, but it's really not a thigh tickler. The sideburns tickle the thighs. The mustache is more of a sponge.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Wow. That is an image.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** A lot of times I end that section. I was saying, yes, a lot of you may be thinking, I do actually have a girl tied up on the train tracks. But she signed a consent form, so it's not a big deal. Also, she knows about my sponge mustache. Because she's tied up.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** I like that song. Girl. Does she ride a bike? All right, let's, you and me, what do you say we have a truce here? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I feel like you're making me, to quote John Travolta. You got a race car in the red here. You want a race car in the red. And then to quote Samuel Jackson. I am a nuclear bomb dropping motherfucker. So I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to count in my head to 30. During that time, I would very much like to hear you make me laugh.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Okay. Now then, okay. So I turn my, sometimes I accidentally turn my girlfriend off and I don't really mean to. Recently she was in the kitchen. She was frying a steak, and she said, does this side look good? Should I flip it? Then I said, yeah, yeah, you can flip it. Flip it real good. Flip it real good.",
    "[sings]",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Ah, push it. Push it. Ah, push it. Push it. And needless to say, we didn't have sex that night.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Okay. All right, man. Oh, man. Brought you back. It's the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen in my life. At first I didn't know what you were doing, talking about a steak. Okay, flip it, flip the steak to the tune. Who is that? Who is that? TLC? Salt and Pepper? Salt and Pepper. Pepper. Salt and Pepper. Pepper. Okay. That's amazing. You thought of that.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** I thought of that. That actually happened. That's a real thing that actually happened.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You really did that in life.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Yeah.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You wanted to have sex with your girlfriend. She was making you a steak. Those are two pretty cool things.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Then you walk in there and you sing a song to her. You just say, flip it. Do it again. Do it again. Do the song again.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Flip it real good. Flip it real good.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** I think you should send an email to Salt and Pepper and say, hey, look, I have my own version. I would love to open for you. I think you got, oh, my God, you nearly killed me. I think Pepper might have died. Is Pepper really dead? I don't really know. You have a photo. Let's look it up. Let's see. You know, my neighbor had a dog. The dog's name was Pepper. It was a small dog. The dog would bark every time I walked by, so I thought he was mean. Well, he wasn't mean. I remember one time I tried to give him some cheese. He ate it. He threw it up on the carpet, a new carpet. I was never allowed over at my friend's house again, my neighbor's house. We were really friends. One time he told me he would give me a hundred cookies if I showed him my butt. I showed him my butt. Didn't get any cookies.\n\nSo I guess Pepa in 1999 married Treach of the rap group Naughty by Nature, but due to allegations of physical abuse by Treach, they divorced in 2001. That's the last that the internet has about her. So she's still alive probably then?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Probably.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Okay, well, email her. Say, I'd like to open for you, Pepa.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Sure.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** That is some good stuff. That is some classic stuff. How can people get a hold of you if they want to buy these tickets?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** Well, you can see me at The Grove for the bringer shows. That would be great. You can go to Facebook and search for Tim Tagtmeyer, my comedian page. I have a comedian page on Facebook. Comedian Tim Tagtmeyer on Facebook. And I also do some occasional work with sketch group Bully Mammoth.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Which is what?",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's a sketch group.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** I don't know if I stutter. What does that mean? You're not stuttering. Words I don't understand.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** It's a lot like, I guess, comedy theater. There are sketches and characters.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** So it's like skits, like you're camping. There's characters.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** We are artisans of making characters.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** You know, we're both speaking English, but I feel like we're speaking different languages here.",
    "**Tim Tagtmeyer:** We probably are speaking different liggages.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Did you say leggages? That's what I heard. Real comedian, aren't you? Funny guy. You want to have a fist fight? You're gonna hear two thuds. Me hitting you. You hitting the ground. You ever heard that one before? Joke about a guy. Fuck."
  ]
}