{
  "language": "en-us",
  "text": "**Dan Rodandan:** Shorts and shoes and socks and pocket watches. Welcome to the house, the house of pain. The house of pain, of course, I think is a reality show somewhere. And pocket watches, of course, were... do you say worn or just kept in the pockets, I suppose, of the gentry of old. Alvin Gentry, of course, was the assistant coach and then the head coach of the Phoenix Suns for much of the 2000s, that decade, the decade of the 2000s, with a little bit of Terry Porter mixed in and Mike D'Antoni. And the reason I bring up pocket watches is because it's time. It's time to take some calls.\n\nAs many of you know, Wells Fargo did a little bit of dick kicking. They sort of ruined my ability to have phone calls because they screwed me over with an overdraft charge. But that's been fixed. I pulled Wells Fargo's boot out from between my testicles. I gave them a phone call. Or rather sent them an email because I didn't have a phone at the time. But I've called them since and I've given them a piece of my mind. We're taking phone calls, 'cause my phone, or rather my answering machine, has been turned back on. So there's a flood of calls from the past, from the past few weeks, bro. We have a big old stack of phone calls. Let's just take them all in a row. I'm sorry for all you people who called in and I haven't got back to you yet, but I'm doing it now, so just be cool.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Eddie:** Hey, Dan, this is Eddie. Listen, I was just arrested, actually using my one phone call to call you. I got my meeting with the judge in the morning. I was wondering, do you have any tips on how to come off as an innocent man? Like, you know, if you're clearly guilty, but how do you act like you're innocent? You know, any exercises I could do or anything like that, that would be very helpful. Thank you. This is Eddie.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Well, Eddie, if you are going to prison, you're pretty sure you're going to prison. The first exercises I would tell you to do are clenches of your hands and of your buttocks and maybe some push-ups or some squats. Things to exercise the body to protect yourself from the violent individuals of specific ethnicities or individuals of Aryan heritage with pens and lighters. So those are the exercises I would recommend. I would also say just play it cool. When you're up on the stand, play it cool. Be your own lawyer. Next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Tom:** Yeah, Dan. Long time listener, first time caller. Okay, I'm lying, I never listened to you before in my life. But my five-year-old wants to be the next Indiana Jones. Can you make it happen? And how much will that cost me? Thanks, Tom from Ohio.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Yeah, I can make it happen. You're going to have to wait a few years. He's only five. But I can make it happen. Sure, he wants to be Indiana Jones. Go down to the courthouse, change his name. Dickhead. Say you don't listen. Hey, I'm a long time listener, just kidding. Hey, here's a sandwich. Just kidding. Hey, girlfriend, here's some flowers. I'll step on them. Hurt my feelings. You're the one with a five-year-old. All right, next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Caller:** Hey, how many of you get my message? I have two nebulizers, and I left one up in Alex, so I always have it, and I gave one to Anna so I have like four and Anna doesn't have any meds so I sent her the meditation for it because her insurance won't pay for it and I get boxes of them and so therefore you have a nebulizer if you need it and it really makes a difference. The inhalers are really quick and they make heart thumps and you feel like you're going to have a heart attack. And I hate that. And that's why I probably have eight of them. But I do have a nebulizer that you can have. So you need to call me and let me know what's up. I told you you had asthma. How many months? How many years? Over a year ago. It's horrible. It's like being someone trying to suffocate you. That's even worse. But anyway, give me a call on this number because it's free for the rest of the month. Anyways. I got it. I got it.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Well, all I can say is I hope that that message arrived at some point during this month because that's the only phone number I have for it. I hope it's not time-sensitive because I'm always in the market for a nebulizer. Nebulizers out there, please go ahead and send them my way. I myself don't have asthma, but I do know a guy who likes to buy nebulizers or inhalers or whatever, pretty much any kind of medication. If you don't need it, send it my way. Dan Rodandan. My number is 917-214-8DAN. Send me your meds.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Rick Reagan:** Hey, Dan. My name is Rick Reagan. If you're wondering if there is a relation to the great actor Rick Reagan, the short answer is yes, I do bear a relation to him. The long answer is yes, I'm the same. I'm him. My question, I guess, is why the fuck can't I get a hold of you? You know, I'm certain you remember all the things I did for you early on in your career when we were both studying together at the Art Institute of Honolulu. I know that I was there, and I certainly seem to remember you being there, and I certainly seem to remember doing all kinds of things for you. Of your first parts in the plays, in the reenactments. I'm flustered as hell because, Dan, I've called you six times over the course of the past few years on your personal phone, and I've yet to hear from you, and so I thought I'd take a different approach because apparently you have your own fucking podcast now, which is sort of mind-blowing because it's crazy to hear words that I spoke to you 10 years ago coming out of your mouth over the airwaves to millions and millions of people, and I'm just sitting here with nothing to my name, nothing at all. I haven't worked in years.\n\nAnd I feel that maybe you've sort of stolen my persona. You've sort of taken a lot of the things that I've said to you. Look, I know you have people, probably hundreds of people working for you that are listening to these, screening these phone calls. So listen, you little fucking kids, you put me through to Dan. You make sure that Dan hears this message because I'm fucking outraged. I am outraged with him. And if this doesn't get to him, if he doesn't hear this, then I will find other means of getting a hold of him that are less accepted culturally than this one. So that's not a threat. I'm not violent. I frankly don't even have enough self-esteem to be violent at this point. You have to have a certain level of faith in your abilities to go down that road, and I've lost it. I've lost all that faith. So, Dan, please, please. I guess I don't know what would make this seem like a victory, except for maybe if you could be... Just call me back then, please. Rick Reagan.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Rick Reagan. Skeleton in the closet, the ghost from the past haunting the halls of my memories. Great to hear that voice again. Rick Reagan. I thought you were dead. Reagan. I heard that. I heard that you drank yourself to death or you heroin'd over. Some kind of chemical was too much for you is what I remember. But again, lovely to hear your voice. You seem to have a strong need to get a hold of me. I appreciate that. I have time to listen. I'm looking forward to your next call. But what you need to understand is that I don't actually have a telephone as much as I have an answering machine. I cannot answer the answering machine. I can only hear the messages and try to get back to people. So if you don't give me an email address or some other kind of phone number, you said, hey, call me back on this number. What? I don't have caller ID. It's an answering machine that sends MP3s to my iPod Touch. Not MP3 players, MP3s of the messages.\n\nSo, hey, I'm very open to talking to you. I remember the times we had. I'd like to have more times with you. You sound like you're doing well. And please, please get a hold of me again. I would like to talk to you in person if we can, whether that's over the phone or face-to-face or through FaceTime or Skype time or just, hey, I'm open to it. I'm not dodging you. And it looks like you made it through those hundreds of people working for me. I miss you, bud. Next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Who is it? The number. Oh, you called the number. Hey, Dan, this is just you. I just wanted to say, hey, it's times like these when you need to hear a friendly voice. So here I am, my voice. Hopefully that's friendly to you. You're not in a self-destructive mood, which happens from time to time, but, uh, anyway, uh, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, whenever you see this.\n\nAll right, now I'm concerned because I left that message about six months ago. I did not realize that maybe, uh, messages would be in the pipeline for that long. Are all of these messages six months old? Is everything I'm hearing coming from the far yesteryear? Anyway, great to hear from you, Dan. You're a handsome guy, beautiful voice. Thank you for the holiday wishes. Six months late. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. Okay, something to look into. A little investigation in the works. Next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Kevin Dodson-Stotch:** Hey there Dan, this is Kevin Dodson-Stotch. I was looking to try to get a hold of you because I had some questions about what you're doing there. I heard the podcast, my stepbrother, he played it for me. It was very interesting, the stuff that you're doing out there. It sounds like you're meeting people and I appreciate that. And I'm a big-time Hollywood agent. Kevin Dodson-Stotch, big-time Hollywood agent. One, if you were interested in having me represent you in the field of acting, and maybe even you could be an agent, too. We could both be agents in Hollywood, and also you could be an actor. So give me a call back. I'm going to tell you my number in a secret code. It's bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, baca, baca. If you can figure that out, Google it, I don't know, then you can give me a call back. Thank you. Again, Kevin Dodson-Stotch.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Kevin Dodson-Stotch. I mean, I hope that wasn't a prank call because that is something I'm very interested in doing, being an actor, being represented as an actor. So you said you were a big-time Hollywood agent. I like that. You're a little bit cagey with your phone number there. That makes me think maybe you're a big deal. Maybe you don't want that getting out. Maybe you know these are the airwaves. You only want the elite few who can dismantle your hieroglyphics, which I cannot at this time because I haven't started trying. I'm sure when I write it down and play with it, I'll figure it out. Expect a call from me, Kevin Dodson-Stotch. Expect a call. What was that you said about being an agent? About also me being an agent? Because I'm not interested in that, I don't think. Well, we'll talk about it. Next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Kevin Dodson-Stotch:** Hey there, Dan. This is Kevin Dodson-Stotch again. And I just wanted to make sure that you knew that that last call was not a prank call. This is a real, legitimate offer from a big-time Hollywood agent. You can Google me if you want. You don't have to because you can just hear my voice. Big-time Hollywood agent. You're listening to me. You are. Anyway, you can be an agent too. Agent of creativity. And you and me, we can make it happen. Give me a call back. Again, maybe that code I gave you was a little bit too obtuse. Hopefully you have a caller ID or... Actually, I'm in the book. You can look me up in the book. Give me a call back. It's sort of a litmus test for the people out there. If you want to get a hold of Kevin Dodson-Stotch, you better get your hands on an analog phone book these days in Obama's America. So, you know, give me a call. Defeat.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Well, I got to say I'm happy to hear it wasn't a prank call. I'm happy to hear that you're doing well. You have birds. That's important. I'm happy to hear that you realize just as much as I do that we live in not America anymore, but Obama's America, prefix, suffix. Fix this nation if you can. And I just wanted to say thank you again for calling. No, I do not have caller ID, as I stated earlier, and also I do not have a phone book, but I do have a library in my neighborhood, so I will go there and I will look you up. But thank you very much. Next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Caller:** Hey, Dan. Hey, I got kind of a conundrum for you. I get cast in this really great horror movie. I'm really excited about it. I nailed all the auditions, just like all the seminars I went to instead of acting classes. I nailed the audition and everything's great. And well, here's the thing. I have kind of a phobia of blood. I can't really handle seeing blood, like real or fake. And the script calls for my character to, I mean, I sneeze blood at one point, I get a gash on my face, I shit blood, I piss blood, and I puke out blood. I mean, it's a great script. I mean, that's what brought me to it. It's a great script. I mean, do you hear all those elements? It's going to be a great horror movie. But I don't know if I can go through with these scenes. I mean, there's one scene where they're supposed to have these demons bathe in my blood. I mean, I don't know if I can, like, I'm gonna puke. I mean, I'm getting a little wheezy just thinking about it right now. It's very unprofessional for an actor to puke, you know, on set, if that's not what... Okay.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Well done. Well done. I would say it is not unprofessional. It is the peak of professionalism for somebody to go there, somebody who's willing to go there, all the way to Vomit Town, which is something that not even Kate Winslet will do on camera. Vomiting! You're going to be one of your peeing blood and expelling blood from your rectum and anus. Demons are going to cut open your stomach. Are these large demons? Are these small demons? Probably small ones to bathe inside the stomach. Thing going on. So your main problem is really red liquid. You don't like looking at red liquid, whether it's real blood or fake blood or whatever. So I have a solution for you. I don't know what the budget of this thing is, but you've heard of a green screen. Green liquid. Have them fix it in post, as they say in the trade. Fix it in post. Don't worry, we'll fix it in post. You'll just think that's coming out of your nose is green, a bright green, and your rectum, it'll all be green. It won't be red liquid. It'll be green liquid. And they'll just turn it red. You can't wear a green shirt. You're going to have to wear some other color.\n\nOr here's an even better one. Tell them to shoot it in black and white. If they shoot the whole thing in black and white, then they can just use black liquid. So you're just like ink coming out of your nose and butt. Ink demons crawling around in your guts. You know, maybe that's more artistic to have that. So that's two solutions. I mean, there are a hundred ways to solve this problem. Uh, you could also get a body double. I'm available. Uh, I'll shit the blood. I'll, I'll sneeze the blood. And just let you know I'm ready to go there. Real blood. I'll do it. I will punch myself in the nose before the take. I will, you know. I will take a water balloon full of blood and put it in my rectum and then pop it with a needle. I mean, there are a lot of ways to skin the cat. And Dan Rodandan is the dog catcher, to mix a metaphor. So get at me, dog. Playboy. Or other vernacular for friend. Um, next call.\n\n[voicemail beep]\n\n**Caller:** Yo, Dan. How big's your dick? Big enough to choke your father to death. I know that much. Creep.\n\n**Dan Rodandan:** Dan Rodandan is gotta think about maybe getting a landline or just something.",
  "paragraphs": [
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Shorts and shoes and socks and pocket watches. Welcome to the house, the house of pain. The house of pain, of course, I think is a reality show somewhere. And pocket watches, of course, were... do you say worn or just kept in the pockets, I suppose, of the gentry of old. Alvin Gentry, of course, was the assistant coach and then the head coach of the Phoenix Suns for much of the 2000s, that decade, the decade of the 2000s, with a little bit of Terry Porter mixed in and Mike D'Antoni. And the reason I bring up pocket watches is because it's time. It's time to take some calls.\n\nAs many of you know, Wells Fargo did a little bit of dick kicking. They sort of ruined my ability to have phone calls because they screwed me over with an overdraft charge. But that's been fixed. I pulled Wells Fargo's boot out from between my testicles. I gave them a phone call. Or rather sent them an email because I didn't have a phone at the time. But I've called them since and I've given them a piece of my mind. We're taking phone calls, 'cause my phone, or rather my answering machine, has been turned back on. So there's a flood of calls from the past, from the past few weeks, bro. We have a big old stack of phone calls. Let's just take them all in a row. I'm sorry for all you people who called in and I haven't got back to you yet, but I'm doing it now, so just be cool.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Eddie:** Hey, Dan, this is Eddie. Listen, I was just arrested, actually using my one phone call to call you. I got my meeting with the judge in the morning. I was wondering, do you have any tips on how to come off as an innocent man? Like, you know, if you're clearly guilty, but how do you act like you're innocent? You know, any exercises I could do or anything like that, that would be very helpful. Thank you. This is Eddie.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Well, Eddie, if you are going to prison, you're pretty sure you're going to prison. The first exercises I would tell you to do are clenches of your hands and of your buttocks and maybe some push-ups or some squats. Things to exercise the body to protect yourself from the violent individuals of specific ethnicities or individuals of Aryan heritage with pens and lighters. So those are the exercises I would recommend. I would also say just play it cool. When you're up on the stand, play it cool. Be your own lawyer. Next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Tom:** Yeah, Dan. Long time listener, first time caller. Okay, I'm lying, I never listened to you before in my life. But my five-year-old wants to be the next Indiana Jones. Can you make it happen? And how much will that cost me? Thanks, Tom from Ohio.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Yeah, I can make it happen. You're going to have to wait a few years. He's only five. But I can make it happen. Sure, he wants to be Indiana Jones. Go down to the courthouse, change his name. Dickhead. Say you don't listen. Hey, I'm a long time listener, just kidding. Hey, here's a sandwich. Just kidding. Hey, girlfriend, here's some flowers. I'll step on them. Hurt my feelings. You're the one with a five-year-old. All right, next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Caller:** Hey, how many of you get my message? I have two nebulizers, and I left one up in Alex, so I always have it, and I gave one to Anna so I have like four and Anna doesn't have any meds so I sent her the meditation for it because her insurance won't pay for it and I get boxes of them and so therefore you have a nebulizer if you need it and it really makes a difference. The inhalers are really quick and they make heart thumps and you feel like you're going to have a heart attack. And I hate that. And that's why I probably have eight of them. But I do have a nebulizer that you can have. So you need to call me and let me know what's up. I told you you had asthma. How many months? How many years? Over a year ago. It's horrible. It's like being someone trying to suffocate you. That's even worse. But anyway, give me a call on this number because it's free for the rest of the month. Anyways. I got it. I got it.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Well, all I can say is I hope that that message arrived at some point during this month because that's the only phone number I have for it. I hope it's not time-sensitive because I'm always in the market for a nebulizer. Nebulizers out there, please go ahead and send them my way. I myself don't have asthma, but I do know a guy who likes to buy nebulizers or inhalers or whatever, pretty much any kind of medication. If you don't need it, send it my way. Dan Rodandan. My number is 917-214-8DAN. Send me your meds.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Rick Reagan:** Hey, Dan. My name is Rick Reagan. If you're wondering if there is a relation to the great actor Rick Reagan, the short answer is yes, I do bear a relation to him. The long answer is yes, I'm the same. I'm him. My question, I guess, is why the fuck can't I get a hold of you? You know, I'm certain you remember all the things I did for you early on in your career when we were both studying together at the Art Institute of Honolulu. I know that I was there, and I certainly seem to remember you being there, and I certainly seem to remember doing all kinds of things for you. Of your first parts in the plays, in the reenactments. I'm flustered as hell because, Dan, I've called you six times over the course of the past few years on your personal phone, and I've yet to hear from you, and so I thought I'd take a different approach because apparently you have your own fucking podcast now, which is sort of mind-blowing because it's crazy to hear words that I spoke to you 10 years ago coming out of your mouth over the airwaves to millions and millions of people, and I'm just sitting here with nothing to my name, nothing at all. I haven't worked in years.\n\nAnd I feel that maybe you've sort of stolen my persona. You've sort of taken a lot of the things that I've said to you. Look, I know you have people, probably hundreds of people working for you that are listening to these, screening these phone calls. So listen, you little fucking kids, you put me through to Dan. You make sure that Dan hears this message because I'm fucking outraged. I am outraged with him. And if this doesn't get to him, if he doesn't hear this, then I will find other means of getting a hold of him that are less accepted culturally than this one. So that's not a threat. I'm not violent. I frankly don't even have enough self-esteem to be violent at this point. You have to have a certain level of faith in your abilities to go down that road, and I've lost it. I've lost all that faith. So, Dan, please, please. I guess I don't know what would make this seem like a victory, except for maybe if you could be... Just call me back then, please. Rick Reagan.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Rick Reagan. Skeleton in the closet, the ghost from the past haunting the halls of my memories. Great to hear that voice again. Rick Reagan. I thought you were dead. Reagan. I heard that. I heard that you drank yourself to death or you heroin'd over. Some kind of chemical was too much for you is what I remember. But again, lovely to hear your voice. You seem to have a strong need to get a hold of me. I appreciate that. I have time to listen. I'm looking forward to your next call. But what you need to understand is that I don't actually have a telephone as much as I have an answering machine. I cannot answer the answering machine. I can only hear the messages and try to get back to people. So if you don't give me an email address or some other kind of phone number, you said, hey, call me back on this number. What? I don't have caller ID. It's an answering machine that sends MP3s to my iPod Touch. Not MP3 players, MP3s of the messages.\n\nSo, hey, I'm very open to talking to you. I remember the times we had. I'd like to have more times with you. You sound like you're doing well. And please, please get a hold of me again. I would like to talk to you in person if we can, whether that's over the phone or face-to-face or through FaceTime or Skype time or just, hey, I'm open to it. I'm not dodging you. And it looks like you made it through those hundreds of people working for me. I miss you, bud. Next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Who is it? The number. Oh, you called the number. Hey, Dan, this is just you. I just wanted to say, hey, it's times like these when you need to hear a friendly voice. So here I am, my voice. Hopefully that's friendly to you. You're not in a self-destructive mood, which happens from time to time, but, uh, anyway, uh, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, whenever you see this.\n\nAll right, now I'm concerned because I left that message about six months ago. I did not realize that maybe, uh, messages would be in the pipeline for that long. Are all of these messages six months old? Is everything I'm hearing coming from the far yesteryear? Anyway, great to hear from you, Dan. You're a handsome guy, beautiful voice. Thank you for the holiday wishes. Six months late. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. Okay, something to look into. A little investigation in the works. Next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Kevin Dodson-Stotch:** Hey there Dan, this is Kevin Dodson-Stotch. I was looking to try to get a hold of you because I had some questions about what you're doing there. I heard the podcast, my stepbrother, he played it for me. It was very interesting, the stuff that you're doing out there. It sounds like you're meeting people and I appreciate that. And I'm a big-time Hollywood agent. Kevin Dodson-Stotch, big-time Hollywood agent. One, if you were interested in having me represent you in the field of acting, and maybe even you could be an agent, too. We could both be agents in Hollywood, and also you could be an actor. So give me a call back. I'm going to tell you my number in a secret code. It's bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, baca, baca. If you can figure that out, Google it, I don't know, then you can give me a call back. Thank you. Again, Kevin Dodson-Stotch.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Kevin Dodson-Stotch. I mean, I hope that wasn't a prank call because that is something I'm very interested in doing, being an actor, being represented as an actor. So you said you were a big-time Hollywood agent. I like that. You're a little bit cagey with your phone number there. That makes me think maybe you're a big deal. Maybe you don't want that getting out. Maybe you know these are the airwaves. You only want the elite few who can dismantle your hieroglyphics, which I cannot at this time because I haven't started trying. I'm sure when I write it down and play with it, I'll figure it out. Expect a call from me, Kevin Dodson-Stotch. Expect a call. What was that you said about being an agent? About also me being an agent? Because I'm not interested in that, I don't think. Well, we'll talk about it. Next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Kevin Dodson-Stotch:** Hey there, Dan. This is Kevin Dodson-Stotch again. And I just wanted to make sure that you knew that that last call was not a prank call. This is a real, legitimate offer from a big-time Hollywood agent. You can Google me if you want. You don't have to because you can just hear my voice. Big-time Hollywood agent. You're listening to me. You are. Anyway, you can be an agent too. Agent of creativity. And you and me, we can make it happen. Give me a call back. Again, maybe that code I gave you was a little bit too obtuse. Hopefully you have a caller ID or... Actually, I'm in the book. You can look me up in the book. Give me a call back. It's sort of a litmus test for the people out there. If you want to get a hold of Kevin Dodson-Stotch, you better get your hands on an analog phone book these days in Obama's America. So, you know, give me a call. Defeat.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Well, I got to say I'm happy to hear it wasn't a prank call. I'm happy to hear that you're doing well. You have birds. That's important. I'm happy to hear that you realize just as much as I do that we live in not America anymore, but Obama's America, prefix, suffix. Fix this nation if you can. And I just wanted to say thank you again for calling. No, I do not have caller ID, as I stated earlier, and also I do not have a phone book, but I do have a library in my neighborhood, so I will go there and I will look you up. But thank you very much. Next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Caller:** Hey, Dan. Hey, I got kind of a conundrum for you. I get cast in this really great horror movie. I'm really excited about it. I nailed all the auditions, just like all the seminars I went to instead of acting classes. I nailed the audition and everything's great. And well, here's the thing. I have kind of a phobia of blood. I can't really handle seeing blood, like real or fake. And the script calls for my character to, I mean, I sneeze blood at one point, I get a gash on my face, I shit blood, I piss blood, and I puke out blood. I mean, it's a great script. I mean, that's what brought me to it. It's a great script. I mean, do you hear all those elements? It's going to be a great horror movie. But I don't know if I can go through with these scenes. I mean, there's one scene where they're supposed to have these demons bathe in my blood. I mean, I don't know if I can, like, I'm gonna puke. I mean, I'm getting a little wheezy just thinking about it right now. It's very unprofessional for an actor to puke, you know, on set, if that's not what... Okay.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Well done. Well done. I would say it is not unprofessional. It is the peak of professionalism for somebody to go there, somebody who's willing to go there, all the way to Vomit Town, which is something that not even Kate Winslet will do on camera. Vomiting! You're going to be one of your peeing blood and expelling blood from your rectum and anus. Demons are going to cut open your stomach. Are these large demons? Are these small demons? Probably small ones to bathe inside the stomach. Thing going on. So your main problem is really red liquid. You don't like looking at red liquid, whether it's real blood or fake blood or whatever. So I have a solution for you. I don't know what the budget of this thing is, but you've heard of a green screen. Green liquid. Have them fix it in post, as they say in the trade. Fix it in post. Don't worry, we'll fix it in post. You'll just think that's coming out of your nose is green, a bright green, and your rectum, it'll all be green. It won't be red liquid. It'll be green liquid. And they'll just turn it red. You can't wear a green shirt. You're going to have to wear some other color.\n\nOr here's an even better one. Tell them to shoot it in black and white. If they shoot the whole thing in black and white, then they can just use black liquid. So you're just like ink coming out of your nose and butt. Ink demons crawling around in your guts. You know, maybe that's more artistic to have that. So that's two solutions. I mean, there are a hundred ways to solve this problem. Uh, you could also get a body double. I'm available. Uh, I'll shit the blood. I'll, I'll sneeze the blood. And just let you know I'm ready to go there. Real blood. I'll do it. I will punch myself in the nose before the take. I will, you know. I will take a water balloon full of blood and put it in my rectum and then pop it with a needle. I mean, there are a lot of ways to skin the cat. And Dan Rodandan is the dog catcher, to mix a metaphor. So get at me, dog. Playboy. Or other vernacular for friend. Um, next call.",
    "[voicemail beep]",
    "**Caller:** Yo, Dan. How big's your dick? Big enough to choke your father to death. I know that much. Creep.",
    "**Dan Rodandan:** Dan Rodandan is gotta think about maybe getting a landline or just something."
  ]
}