Dan Rodandan: Hello all, it's time for Christmas! Well, almost! Uh, it's coming up! I'm in a pretty good mood, despite the fact that I had some mishaps today. Well, it's continuing on today. It started about two days ago, three days ago.

I got some bulk mail. I finally got some mail, which was lovely, because I got sick and tired of trying to use my broken key to get into my mailbox. So I watched a few YouTube clips about pickpocketing and unlocking things. And I went in there with a hammer and I just smashed the front off when that got frustrating. And I found months and months worth of mail. Most of it bad news. But one thing in particular I found very, very wonderful. It was a three-day free gym membership for 24 Hour Fitness.

So I go in there. They give me the whole speech. Whatever. The gym is at night. What I'm very excited about is the shower. They had a real working shower, which is a luxury for me, as you know. My bathtub area is mostly, I would say, a winery. I use it to make bathtub wine more than I use it to shower. I use the sink, which is perpetually leaking, to wash my hands and face, and once a week the rest of it. But a real honest-to-God shower was quite lovely. In a communal shower, too, so I got to have a little bit of that. Got to see what everybody looks like. Everybody's sort of hanging out, showing it off, which is fun.

And wouldn't you know what? They had free soap there, so I was using a bar of soap. And this is where the danger happens. I was getting a little overzealous. I was soaping myself up with this bar of soap. I hit myself pretty hard in one of the testicles. Really, I took a hard shot there. I was very excited. I was thinking to myself, having a grand old time, and then wham, hit that left testicle really, really hard. I almost blacked out. I had to brace myself on the wall. About 45 minutes later, I left that shower. It was very bruised and swollen. Got home, thought that everything would be fine. You just hit yourself with a... The body heals, right? The body heals itself. It's been three days. Still swollen. But nice to get my mail.

Let's take some calls. We're taking phone calls. Take those calls. I'm going to listen to the calls. And then I'll answer. Wash yourself. But be careful. Wash yourself. If you have access to showers. Maybe liquid soap in the future. Just too dangerous.

(voicemail beep)

Caller: Hey Dan. I'm sitting in my car. Sitting in my garage while it's running. Well I think you know what I'm trying to do. You seem like the type of guy that's run his car in his garage once or twice before. But the reason why I'm calling you, Dan, is because I've been sitting here in my garage the last 45 minutes, and I'm still awake. How long does it take for this stuff to go into effect? Let me know.

Dan Rodandan: All right. Well, with any luck, you won't be able to get this message because you were successful in what you were trying to do. I have a problem with your premise. You said I sound like a guy who's let his car run a few times. You probably know how long it takes to do this thing. Well, think about that for a second, will you? I mean, if I had done it a couple times and I had done it successfully, I would have passed away. That would have been a suicide, a successful suicide, and not just a cry for help or a call for help on a public hotline.

Anyway, uh, uh, I have not tried to kill myself that way. There was a time when I had a car. It was when I was a middle school, uh, interim vice principal, and a young man set it on fire. He told me he was going to, and then he did it, and I told the police about it, and they said, I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do, that kid's a hero. How long does it take to kill yourself in a driveway? From what I hear, about 25 minutes. I guess it depends on the size of the driveway or the garage or what kind of car do you have. Are you trying to kill yourself with an electric car? Because I don't think that's going to... Anyway, best of luck to you, kid. Next call.

(voicemail beep)

Leigh Foster: Hi, Dan. This is Leigh Foster. I'm calling you. I don't know who else to call. I just... I'm just, I'm like frantically like pacing around my apartment. Like I'm shaking a little bit. I haven't been able to eat. I don't even know where to start.

Okay, so last Friday I got a call from my agents. They said that they had this commercial audition for me, right? I asked, what's it for? And they said it's for Cheerios. It was for the General Mills brand, and the spot was going to be for Cheerios. Dan, I can't even express to you how perfect this was. I get up every morning and I eat a bowl of Cheerios. I mean, maybe that doesn't seem like out of the ordinary to you, but this is something that I've done my entire life. I mean, since time immemorial, I've been eating Cheerios. I just think they're the best breakfast food. I mean, I don't know. Maybe a lot of people think that. I don't know. I just don't even know how to get the taste of that. What is it? Is it wheat? I don't know. Anyways, they sent me the specs. There was no script, but it was a national commercial. They sent me the specs. It's like perfect for me, 20, 27. I'm 27. I think it was like 25, a 30-year-old white male. Pal, me, Dan, it was perfect.

So I go to the audition and it went well and it went so well. I mean, as I'm walking out, the client was there, and he kind of like looked at me and gave me that kind of look that means you nailed it, man, you rocked that shit. Kind of like winked at me as I'm leaving, but it wasn't like, it was kind of like a half wink because he like can't, doesn't want other people to see it, but he wanted to be like this is done. I mean this is shut the book, I mean this guy, where has this guy been hiding? Kind of a thing. That's kind of like the look he gave me.

And I got to tell you, man, I needed, I needed that commercial so bad. I mean, I'm kind of running really low on funds and I've been trying and trying and trying to keep my, trying to keep my positivity up. And it's just tough. It's just tough. It gets hard sometimes, you know? Anyways, so I get an email. I get an email from my agent like an hour after I left the audition. She said, you're the number one pick. She said, you're the number one pick. This one's done. I mean, don't worry about it. Go out and celebrate. Be happy. That's what she said. She said, be happy.

So I went out. I mean, I'm spending all kinds of money. I'm out at the bars. I'm buying people drinks, people I don't even know. I'm just a happy guy. Monday morning rolls around, and she, my agent, calls me. And I'm thinking this is going to be the details. This is going to be the, you know, she's going to tell me the wardrobe, where I have to be, when I have to be on set, my call time, stuff like that. And she says two words. She says, bad news. She said, you didn't get it.

I got to ask you, Dan, I mean, I'm struggling here, man. What do I do now? What do I do now? I just kind of wish I could sleep and not wake up. I just, I don't know, man. Just call me back if you could. I'll be sitting here. I'll be waiting.

(phone dialing)

Dan Rodandan: Hello? Hello? Is Leigh there? Is this Leigh?

Leigh Foster: Yeah.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah.

Leigh Foster: Dan?

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, this is Dan Rodandan, acting coach Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act. And I just got your message. I got to tell you, you're a heck of a storyteller. It was a rollercoaster ride. I was very jealous of you, then I was happy for you, then I was happy you didn't get it, and then I felt bad for you. I got to tell you, it twists and turns all the way around. So I guess the big question is, how are you doing there, champ?

Leigh Foster: I got to say, I'm not doing so well, Dan. Not so well. No, I'm not doing so hot, man.

Dan Rodandan: You have any Cheerios in the house?

Leigh Foster: Yeah, I got about half a box, I think, but I can't really bring myself to really look at it.

Dan Rodandan: Right, right. You're angry. You're angry. You're feeling sad. You're feeling depressed.

Leigh Foster: Yeah, pretty much. That's pretty much it, Dan.

Dan Rodandan: So you got the call from your agent. The agent said, bad news. Before that, they said, be happy. You spent all that money up? Did you lease a car or anything? You just buy drinks?

Leigh Foster: I bought a lot of drinks. I bought a lot of drinks for myself. There was a homeless guy outside of the Walgreens where I bought most of the drinks.

Dan Rodandan: You were buying the drinks at a Walgreens. You weren't even at a bar.

Leigh Foster: Well, I bought a bunch of booze, and I drank it in my apartment before I went to the bar, but I bought a homeless guy, and he said he had a family that he needed to provide booze to. He had to get alcohol for his family, of course. Right, so I bought him a lot of booze.

Dan Rodandan: What did you buy? When you say booze, are you talking like big, big old bottles of alcohol or just like a 36-pack of Keystone Light? What are we talking here? How much money did you spend?

Leigh Foster: Well, he came into the store with me, and he just kind of filled up a, what do you call them, little carrier thing. And I didn't really look at what he had, and then I just didn't look at the total. I just swiped it, but I would guess $200.

Dan Rodandan: Sure, $200 on alcohol for a homeless person as a way to celebrate a Cheerios commercial.

Leigh Foster: Yeah.

Dan Rodandan: If I were you, I probably would have gone to a bar and probably talked to a bunch of young aspiring starlets or people I would try to impress, get them inebriated, take them back to my place, and sort of explore each other's bodies. You, a much better man than I, decided to go out there and do a little charity work. That warms the heart. And have you seen this man since? Did you go back to the Walgreens and say, hey, homeless guy who hopefully is still alive and not dead from alcohol poisoning because you don't know how to control yourself, turns out I didn't have that money to spend, so it's up to you to go out there and beg for $200 worth and pay me back. That was kind of a load, sort of an alcohol load. Is that the kind of thing that you'd be willing to take on your shoulders there?

Leigh Foster: Well, I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to be able to leave my apartment.

Dan Rodandan: Sure, yeah. Got to do the recluse thing for a while.

Leigh Foster: I don't know. I kind of have to avoid my landlord as well. I don't have rent today. He already shut off my water.

Dan Rodandan: Shut off the water. I've been there. Do you have electricity?

Leigh Foster: I don't know. I don't have any lights on here. I'm not sure.

Dan Rodandan: Sure. Just sitting by yourself, filthy in your own room? Something I know well and actually could be quite comforting.

Leigh Foster: But it's starting to smell kind of like an outhouse in here. Because I go to the bathroom a couple times and I can't flush the toilet.

Dan Rodandan: So you've been still using that toilet then?

Leigh Foster: Yeah, and it's a little bit cold today in Chicago and they turned the heat on for some reason and I can't figure out how to turn it off. I can't talk to the landlord because I have to avoid him. So it's kind of like...

Dan Rodandan: So the house smells like a nice warm stool.

Leigh Foster: Yeah. Bad.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, that's a rough way to do it. So you're locked into that house. You don't have the emotional wherewithal to exit the building. You're afraid of the landlord. You're sort of sitting in the stench of all of the victory beer that you drank in fecal form. That is a rough way to be. That is a rough position to be in. Just thinking about the failure that is your life.

Leigh Foster: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Dan Rodandan: That sums it up, huh? Oh, I tell you, crying is probably not a good idea because the fact that they turned off your water, you're going to want to conserve fluids.

Leigh Foster: Maybe you could make me feel better.

Dan Rodandan: So what, like phone sex?

Leigh Foster: Do you think I'm a good actor?

Dan Rodandan: Oh, yeah, sure. I'm looking at your reel right now. Do you mind if we play a clip? Do you mind if we play a clip from your reel over the audio here so we can hear your voice acting reel?

Leigh Foster: Yeah, go for that one.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, let's hear it.

(reel clip)

Clip: Reaction, the new men's fragrance from Kenneth Cole. Amstel Light could be the world's best-tasting light beer, brewed with all natural ingredients. Open minds, open Amstels. 250 cities, 40 countries. One airline, American Airlines. Why stop? I think we all know what roses smell like. Amp Energy Drink from Mountain Dew. Before economies grow, before communities thrive, and countries prosper, human ingenuity and powerful resources connect, leading the way to remarkable results.

Dan Rodandan: I can tell you, you have to train. You got a nice voice. And it sounds good. And well, what it really makes me want to do is cover myself with cologne, drink an Amstel Light, and fly around the country.

So what we're going to do. Okay, so you had an audition for the Cheerios commercial. Cheerios are delicious. I did look it up, and I think it is wheat. I think they are made from wheat and oats. You had the interview. You had the audition, and in the audition, you said that it went really well. You got a half a wink from the guy, which in many cases is better than a whole wink because if it is a whole wink, other people would know that he's winking. Could you give me a breakdown, give me a blow by blow, if you will, of what happened there in that audition?

Leigh Foster: Okay. I walked in. There was about seven clients, I think. I don't know who they are. All of them white. All of them between the ages of 20 and 27, right? Well, no, no, no. I'm saying the client, like when I walked into the room, like the client, like the General Mills people.

Dan Rodandan: Right. I thought maybe you meant walking into the waiting room. But no, you walked into the room. There are seven people there you have to impress.

Leigh Foster: I generally don't notice who's in the waiting room. I'm so focused.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, that's not a good sign.

Leigh Foster: I kind of zone out. People are trying to talk to me, trying to say hi to me, and I don't answer. I'm in the zone.

Dan Rodandan: You're in the zone. So, you go into the casting room, there's a table with a bowl of Cheerios.

Leigh Foster: No milk.

Dan Rodandan: No milk.

Leigh Foster: No milk. Plastic spoon. Sit down, and the casting director tells me that I'm supposed to have a little girl. I'm supposed to have a little girl that's going to be in the spot with me.

Dan Rodandan: You were supposed to bring a little girl with you to the audition.

Leigh Foster: Yes. They actually asked me to bring a little girl to the audition, but I couldn't find one.

Dan Rodandan: And you couldn't find one. Okay.

Leigh Foster: I don't have one, and I couldn't find one under the circumstances.

Dan Rodandan: See, this is one of those moments where you're in the lobby. If you weren't in the zone, maybe you could try to find one of the little girls in there who's trying to double her odds. So, tip number one.

Leigh Foster: I probably should have done that.

Dan Rodandan: So you sit down, you got the spoon, they say you should have had a little girl. You're like, well, you should have had milk, dickhead. And then what happened?

Leigh Foster: So I had to pretend that there was a little girl. They told me where the little girl was going to be. They hit record. Everybody was staring at me. They said, now do certain things. They wanted me to do certain things like smile.

Dan Rodandan: Sure.

Leigh Foster: And I'd say, okay, so take a bite of the Cheerios and smile again. Yeah. Then take another bite. That was about it.

Dan Rodandan: Were you hungry when you walked in?

Leigh Foster: Medium.

Dan Rodandan: You were medium hungry. Medium hungry. All right. Well, it sounds like you timed that perfectly at least. Okay. So you walk in there. You're five out of ten. So you can really, you can just smile. You can have total control over the taste buds. You know, if you're a little too hungry, then you come across as desperate. If you're not hungry enough, you come across as over it. But that part, I think you did right. And so you take two bites of the Cheerios. You smile both times. And then who winked at you? Which one of them winked at you?

Leigh Foster: I don't know who he was. He was one of the people. He was sitting on the far end of the couch, like right behind me, when I was walking out of the casting room, and that's when he did it.

Dan Rodandan: Did you wink back?

Leigh Foster: No. Should I have?

Dan Rodandan: I think you should have. Somehow, in this audition, you blew it. How'd you blow it? What's your gut tell you?

Leigh Foster: I think maybe my first reaction when my agent told me that I didn't get it was probably because the client knew that I hate people.

Dan Rodandan: They think you hate people. They could see that. Did you have any anti-Semitic tattoos or anything that were visible? How would they know that you hate people?

Leigh Foster: Well, I don't know, but sometimes I get kind of, I just get sort of, it's probably just paranoid.

Dan Rodandan: Sure.

Leigh Foster: But I get sort of paranoid that people can tell that I hate them and other people just because it's such a strong feeling that I feel like it kind of comes out of every one of my pores.

Dan Rodandan: You feel like you're sweating hate.

Leigh Foster: Yeah.

Dan Rodandan: Where does that hate come from, do you think? Is it just sort of a, just your run-of-the-mill kind of hate, or did something happen to you, or just, oh, it's such a cruel world, I gotta feel my own hate and just spread my hate everywhere, or is it some kind of a, did something serious happen? Where does the hate come from?

Leigh Foster: I don't really know. The psychiatrist always said that it was something that would pass. They told my parents that it would probably pass as I got older. Something said that would pass. They tried to put me up for adoption a couple times, but...

Dan Rodandan: Well, that's an uncomfortable feeling. How old were you when they tried to do that?

Leigh Foster: There was a couple times when I was like six, and then later on when I was like 13, and then once when I was 16.

Dan Rodandan: Right. I think I have both days, right? Right, so six years old, then legally they could put you up for adoption. I think anything after that, like the 13-year-old, the 16-year-old, but more or less, they were just being cruel at that point. That's just not a kind way to... Because legally, they cannot put you up for adoption at that age. What did you do to make them want to put you up for adoption? How was that your fault?

Leigh Foster: I wasn't very nice to my father.

Dan Rodandan: Classic.

Leigh Foster: Yeah.

Dan Rodandan: Was he nice to you?

Leigh Foster: What?

Dan Rodandan: Was he nice to you?

Leigh Foster: Well, he treated me like most fathers do, just a general kind of...

Dan Rodandan: Right, he brought you onto his trade, and then he made you pass out and had all of his friends laugh at you, that kind of a thing.

Leigh Foster: Yeah, and, like, he would, like, if he didn't, if he came, if he was drunk or something, he would, like, punch me in the face and stuff a few times. But other than that, it was pretty, I mean, that's pretty normal stuff.

Dan Rodandan: Just dad stuff. Just normal dad stuff.

Leigh Foster: Yeah.

Dan Rodandan: Do you have any kids?

Leigh Foster: Kids? No.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, me neither. I don't think so. I was hoping that one day I'd get to do all those fun dad things, but I don't know if that's in the cards for you and me.

Leigh Foster: I always kind of ever, when I started listening to your show, I sort of felt that we had this sort of connection. I've only been speaking to you for a few moments, but I feel very connected to you. Maybe we could become friends.

Dan Rodandan: Oh, I think we already are friends. Are you my friend?

Leigh Foster: I'm your friend. I don't hate you.

Dan Rodandan: Well, that's a great start. Because I sure do. I hate me. Anyway, did you punch the girl?

Leigh Foster: What?

Dan Rodandan: Did you punch the girl? The girl, the fake girl? Did you punch her when you were the dad in the commercial? Did you punch your daughter?

Leigh Foster: Well, she wasn't actually in the room.

Dan Rodandan: Yeah, I know, but did you pantomime punching the girl? Did you have the real living meaning as if the child was in the room with you?

Leigh Foster: I don't think so.

Dan Rodandan: That's where you blew it. That's where you blew it. Now, I'm going to give you a little piece of advice right here. The next time you're in a room and there's a fake child there and you are the father, you've got to do dad stuff. This is why you are so successful.

Leigh Foster: If I had known that, I probably would have had the part.

Dan Rodandan: Well, a guy who looks like you, a guy who sounds like you, you're going to have other opportunities. I think that the only thing that you're lacking is a little experience. And guess what? Guy who's sitting at home in the dark smelling his own shit, you are getting experience right now. This is what makes a good actor. This is how you blossom from the dirt. You have to feel the pain. You can go to sleep. I know you don't want to wake up, but you got to wake up. And guess what, fuckface? Wake up! You're an actor. I believe in you. You just got to take that pain, all this pain that you're feeling right now. This pain is currency. This is what's going to make you the next Dave Gutenberg. The next Ben Affleck. The next Daniel Day. Louis-Dreyfus. These are the good days. Soak up the pain. I love you. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Leigh Foster: It's not my fault.

Dan Rodandan: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

That number again is 917-214-8DAN. Do we have any more calls or, I don't know. teachingactorshowtoact@gmail.com. That's my email. I was finally able to get it. I had to argue with the Gmail people for a while. They seemed to think that I was not an actual human being. But how's your algorithm, jerk? Why don't you sell more identities to China? I'm just kidding. Google's lovely. They got those cars that drive themselves. That means I can drink as much as I want. Maybe get another car again. I hope nobody sets it on fire.

This episode is brought to you by Laborless Magazine. Sociallyacceptable.org. Laborless Magazine. Which is all sort of a cloaked metaphor for dicks and dads. Dads and dicks and dads and dicks and dads, dick. Dads and dick.