The 42nd St. Elmo Gang

Ding, road dog, Dan. I'm Dan Rodandan. I'll bet a lot of you suspected I was dead. Well, you're wrong, but you were close. You were close. You can't kill a man until his spirit is dead. So they say, and I think, you know those folks who use every part of the buffalo? That's right. The Native Americans of this area and many other areas, they do have a much more consistent, clear connection to nature than the rest of us. Wasichu, which is their derogatory term for white people, which I've heard a lot of different derogatory terms for white people in my new neighborhood.

And that new neighborhood is the city that never sleeps. The city where Dan Rodandan always creeps. That's right. New York City. The city by the ocean. In the larger state of New York, which is in the East Coast. The Beast Coast, as they say. West Coast is the best coast and the East Coast is the Beast Coast. The Fleece Coast, because it does get colder here, as I've learned to find out. I wish I had a couple of fleeces. I would stack those because it is important to layer. And when it comes to layers, it's also important when you're telling a story. You need to have many layers.

And before we get any further, let me introduce myself. My name is Dan Rodandan, an acting coach. Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act. And they say those who can't do teach. So what have I been doing? Have I been teaching? Is teaching doing? How do you do what I do so well? We'll get to that and much more as my story unfolds.

It's been a little while since I've been able to talk to you. Last time you heard from me, I was living in Queens. Yes, I was the... I was about to make a pun that I thought was original, but I think Kevin James beat that to death. But yes, I was in Astoria, Queens. And I am Astoria teller. Oh, that was a bad one too. But anyway, I was living with a gentleman named Eddie Crispins who threatened violence. But when the time came, he did not hurt me. He gave me a great deal. He actually bought my iPod Touch from me for the $90 that I needed to pay for that week of rent. But he never actually put any money in my hand. He just took my iPod Touch and didn't hurt me, which is the best deal I've had in quite a while.

I'm not an economist, but I do know that if you live in a city with beautiful weather, paying for rent is a joke. That's no way to go. It's a beautiful city. So I went home free, as they say, or as I say, living in various places, park to park, jumping from here to there, just living by my wits. And that was difficult. That was very difficult. And I was not great at it. Did not do a good job, but I did. I answered a Craigslist ad. Seemed too good to be true. And wouldn't you know it, it was actually true. I was staying in a home, an indoor area with roof and walls and everything like that. All I had to do was be a nanny. What? Dan Rodandan around children? Why? Why he hasn't done that since he was an interim middle school vice principal. But don't worry. Don't worry. It wasn't that. I was actually babysitting an elderly gentleman who was addicted to, uh, I don't know if he was addicted, but he seemed to spend all of his time watching the Fox News channel, eating a pill every six hours. He had a lot of tubes. Some tubes going in, some tubes going out. Baby food paste going in. Liquid feces coming out. Different tubes. It was pretty low maintenance. All I had to do was empty a bucket every 18 or so hours. But it gave me a lot of free time to pursue my craft.

Uh, I went to a local bookstore, uh, uh, uh, uh, in between those 18 hour feces removal chores. Um, and I picked up a book, a book from the greatest author who ever lived, William Shakespeare. That's right. Because if there's one thing New York is known for, it is Shakespeare in the park. They got plenty of parks. I've got to know the layout of a few of those parks, stumbling around in the dark, trying not to run into two gentlemen having violent sex. And, uh, on the nights that I, uh, I was able to creep between the dalliances of the, of the locals. I, I, I would, I would get away scratch free. But, uh, I found a few amphitheaters. I took my book. I read it out loud as loud as I could. And wouldn't you know it? People would throw things at me. And sometimes it was coins. So I would gather those up and then I would go down to Times Square and get that $1 pizza that they sell, which they claim is edible. And that 95 cent, five cent coffee. Fun story. That's how Nickelback caught their name. 95 cent coffee. You hand them a dollar. Here's your Nickelback. That's a, that's a fun piece of rock and roll trivia.

All kinds of trivia going through my head, but I'll tell you what's not trivial. What's not trivial is trying to break into show business. One of the most difficult things you can do. There are a lot of different avenues in New York. There's Broadway. There's, uh, off Broadway. There's, uh, street art, busking, singing in the, in the, in the hallowed halls of the, the subway stations that have been there for hundreds of hundreds of years. But there's one true cream of the crop when it comes to street performing. And that is the 42nd Street Elmo Gang. That's right. The Times Squaremos. The premier Elmo performance artists, not accredited, old school theater, for the people. Taking photos. Shaking hands. Making moves. Those are the guys you want to get in with.

And wouldn't you know it, they are not too friendly to me. But I tell you what. I went back and I told that old man to go fuck himself. Wasn't going to help him out anymore. Didn't bother to send an email about it. Just left that job. Enough of you old screw. Screw off. And I decided performing Shakespeare full time in the street to prove to these goons, the Times Squaremos, that I got the chops. That I'm committed. That I got what it takes to play in the big leagues.

And a drunk Turkish business man. And what I assume were three different prostitutes because he kept asking them how old they were. They made me dance. Or they asked me to dance. And I happily obliged. And he said he'd give me $100 if he was allowed to fire his gun off at me. Just like around my feet. Like in the old cowboy movies. I want to be American. Ha ha. You know, like the old cowboy movies. And I said, yeah, go for it. Sort of hoping for a quick ricochet to end the pain. But wouldn't you know it? That didn't happen. And he handed me a crisp $100 bill. The brand new ones. With the shiny strip. The blue strip in the middle. And I thought to myself, this is my ticket to start a $100 bill. So I ran out of there before the police arrived.

And I found that skeezy dive bar where the Times Squaremos hang out after a long, long, grueling, rewarding shift. And I said, what's up, guys? And they said, Dan, you again? Get out of here. And I said, wait, wait, wait. I know how to have a good time in New York. And they said, yeah. And I said, yeah. You ever heard of a little thing called the Saturday Night Fever pub crawl? They said, yes, we have. I said, would you like to do it? I'm buying. $100, get your wristband and some glue-on sideburns. And some slick in your hair. And a little skinny clip-on tie. We're all going to get laid, probably. That movie, there was a lot of sex. It was fun. People got good. There's dancing. There's going to be dancing. I mean, you've been dressed up like Elmo all day. Why don't you dress up like John Travolta? We'll have a grand time. They said, all right, sounds good.

So I stood outside that bar for about 45 minutes for them to finish up. And then they came out. And we all went over to the pub crawl together. We really got into the spirit. We were dancing. Having a great time.

Staying alive. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Staying alive.

We were feeling it. We were feeling it pretty hard. We took some pills. I don't know what they were. They sure made me feel like I could do anything. So we got to the Verrazzano Bridge and one of the guys, Roy Tony, he, he's a real film buff. He said, guess what movie I'm doing? Then he climbed down onto the bridge and he started, you know, overhand monkey climbing up and down on the, on the, on those, those twisty metal ropes. And he said, look at me, Tony. Look at me, Tony. He said, I, I have no idea what movie you're doing. He said, ah, come on, guys. You know this one. Look at me, Tony. Look at me. Still, still don't know. Still don't know, Roy. And so he, so Roy Tony, Tony climbs down, climbs down to the part of the bridge where you just sort of stand on it. And he, he starts jumping up and down and dancing. He says, yeah, come on, guys. You know what movie this is. No idea, Roy. No idea, Roy Tony. So he does a little headstand. He does a little headstand on the bar. It's looking pretty dangerous, but he just, well, he will not relent. We, we, we said, we don't know what movie it is, Roy Tony. He said, come on, look at me, Tony. How come you never called me? And he starts crying. He starts crying up there. He says, I didn't want to fuck her. I didn't want to fuck her. We're like, we have no idea what movie it is. Roy Tony falls off the bridge. Well, we assume to be his, falls to his death. Yeah, I guess that was, turns out that's, that's what actually happened in Saturday Night Fever. He was doing a great job. Just none of us, I guess, had seen the film.

Big Jeff turns to me and he says, uh, hey, Dan, guess what movie this is from? And he hands me a card. The card says, if something should happen to me, just put on the suit. The reindeer will know what to do. Of course, I immediately said that's from Tim Allen's The Santa Clause. And he said, yup. But we're not doing Tim Allen's The Santa Clause tonight. We're doing Dan Rodandan's The Elmo. I said, you mean it? And he said, put on the suit. Your heart will know what to do. So I did.

And then Little Jeff pulled his dick out. Said, what movie is this from? I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a big, bright, shining star. I said, I don't know, Jeff. He said, come on. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a big, bright, shining star. Then he wiggled it a little. I said, Jeff, this is a... oh, Boogie Nights. That's the end of Boogie Nights. That's right.

Like a phoenix, I rose from the depth of a tragedy. And I am now, for better or best, one of the Times Squaremos. It's me, it's Big Jeff, it's Little Jeff, and the ghost of Roy Tony in my ear telling me what to do. And wouldn't you know, we are out there, we are out there making moves. We are out there breaking it down, shaking it, making it happen. Out there on the streets, every day. Taking pictures with the kids. Saying Elmo phrases. I'm still learning them. Mostly I just say, tickle me. And the kids do. Until their parents tell them to stop.

So this one goes out to Roy Tony. One of the greats. Put him on Times Square-shmore. For Elmos.

Beginning of my story today, I don't know how many of you may have noticed. And I started this story without a home. And I'm ending this story as a part of a family. You can tell by the way I move. I'm a Dan Rodandan. A Rodandan. And then coach, coming your way. Got an Elmo suit to save the day. Roy Tony's dead, and I'm in a suit. He's a little bit taller than me to boot. So the toes are bad. I'm walking around, sort of dragging like JNCO jeans. Remember that? From high school.

I should probably email that family of that old man.