Joel Garret: Hi, I'm Joel Garret and this is acting coach Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act. It's the real deal Glockenspiel! Dan Rodandan: Savor me, savor my voice gag. This may be the last time you hear it! Dan Rodandan here, Dan Rodandan. The last time you heard me I was riding high. I was riding high on one of those old timey bicycles with the giant wheel in the front. Because I thought that I had uh, I thought that I had everything. And I did! I had everything! I had a sweet contract with a Saudi cruise ship that I had already signed and I had the interest of a uh... [laughs] of a Canadian television producer. And here I am today, not too much later, and that bicycle that I was talking about is now painted white on the side of the road because that's where somebody got killed on a goddamn bicycle. It's a memorial. It's a memorial for my career. But a Phoenix will rise from the ashes! But somebody's gotta set me on fire first. And if you want to set me on fire, I say get in line because there's a few people ahead of ya. First people ahead of ya is the Saudis, because I did sign that contract. And then I did uh, send them an email saying, "Fuck off! I'm gonna be on *Saturday Night Live*, you dumb dicks! Hahaha! LOL." Well I showed up at 30 Rockefeller Center the next day, hard as a rock. Dick out, flapping in the breeze, showing the world what God gave me and more, because I, you know, I went to a convenience store on the way and took some of those pills, ya uh uh the ones that make your heart race and your wiener turn colors. I took those because I wanted to make a good impression and wouldn't you know it, security came downstairs and you know who security calls? They call the cops. And then they babysit ya till the cops get there. And then the cops take you to the police station and you sit in the goddamn police station without any pants and boner pills. And you're in the interrogation room and you're sitting there and you're waiting and I'm, you know, I'm ready to tell the whole story. I'm ready to blow this thing wide open, you can't handle the truth! There's a Canadian in charge of all this, Lorne Michaels! And uh uh all of a sudden they uh, they say, "Hey. You're free to go." And I said, "Damn right I'm free to go." And they said, "You're not exactly free to go. You're not an American." And I said, "Well that's insulting." And they said, "No, you're, you're, you're not even a person anymore. Uh... pardonnez-moi?" They said, "No, you are property. You are chattel. You're owned by a Saudi prince." And guess who the US government doesn't want to mess with? The Saudis. You know why? Cause somehow they pinned 9/11 on Afghanistan. The Saudis took that uh uh uh my arrest outside 30 Rockefeller Center as uh, me trying to not do their contract, so they froze my bank account. Because they got some pull, I guess, so that $600 is, is uh uh, I guess still theirs. I'm gonna have to pay that money back, and I signed the contract, so I guess I'm still theirs, so I'm gonna have to be on a cruise ship, doing whatever I was gonna do for Lord Michaels, for a room full of, I don't know, whoever does a Saudi cruise. Probably Saudis. I don't even know what they speak. Well while I'm here, while I, while I'm still on our shores, my country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of uh, uh uh uh, anyway, we have I, I got some phone calls to answer. I uh, I made a commitment, I um... I'm gonna answer these calls. I get my money's worth. I owe it to the followers. I owe it to the people. And uh uh uh, when life hands you lemons... answer phone calls! Making phone calls, obligations to myself like the movie *Monster*. When that character wanted to kill themselves but they blew a guy for five dollars, and they wanted to spend that five dollars before they killed themselves because otherwise they would have blown that guy for free. First call. (voicemail beep) Rebecca BMW: Hi Dan. I don't know if you remember me, but we met in a Barnes and Noble and then I, I called you and I was in a really dark place and I guess I wanted to be an actor. I guess I want to thank you for turning me down because I was a minor. I just wanted to tell you that I just got the lead role in this new CBS law and order show called *Teenage Detective*. And ever since I kind of stooped so low to do that catfishing thing with you, I feel like I had to turn my life around and, and now everything is good. Now I have a car. And I have a dog that loves me. And I have this new show, *Teenage Detective*, which I think is, is going to do so well. And it's all thanks to you. I'm a living success, thanks to you. If you ever... I'm gonna be 18 in two years if you, if you do want to call. I just... I know I sounded kind of indignant before earlier in the message, but I, I actually do, I actually am still kind of, if you were interested, I'd be interested. I know you, maybe, um... maybe we would sweeten the deal with a guest starring part on CBS's *Teenage Detective*. Call me. Dan Rodandan: First of all, I would love a part on *Teenage Detective*. Uh, that, that's first of all. *Teenage Detective* sounds like an amazing show, CBS, I've heard of that. Uh uh uh, but, if I'm not mistaken, and uh uh I don't believe I am, uh... well, let me back up a little bit. When I first heard the beginning of the message and you said, "Hey, I met you at a Barnes and Noble and you turned me down cause I was under age," I thought, "Alright, well this is gonna be 45 people." But then you started getting a little bit more descriptive and you talked about the catfish, ratfish situation and uh uh uh, if I'm not mistaken, you were a 16-year-old girl with the healing powers of Athena and a missing rib. Before I got catfished, that was one of the best days... best afternoons... best half hours of my life. And then after I found out I got catfished, I was, I was still, it was a great day cause I was gonna be on television! Man, I wish that were the whole story. Unfortunately, you stole my identity. But you were kind enough to give it back, so, so so so thank you on that, on that count, Rebecca BMW. But uh... your plea at the end there, it reminds me of a scene from a film called *Blank Check*. Where a little boy claims to be Mr. Macintosh and gets a million dollar check and doesn't know how to spend all of his money, and somehow the mom from *Modern Family* falls in love with an 11-year-old boy. At the end of the movie she says, "Hey, come see me in a few years when you're old enough." It's fun to live the reverse of that. And maybe two years from now, when uh... when I get all that, all that sweet Hollywood cruise ship money, I will swing through. It's good to hear that you learned your lesson, it's good to hear your voice. Um... see you in a couple years I guess. If I'm still alive. Next call. (voicemail beep) Leigh Foster: Hey Dan, it's uh, it's Leigh Foster. Yeah, we uh, talked about uh... me not getting that um... that Cheerios commercial. Well, those times are long gone. After I talked to you, um, something clicked. I don't know what it was. I am doing so well right now I mean I, I, I just fucking book everything dude. It's ridiculous. Somebody gave me a, a commercial when I was walking out of Walgreens yesterday. They just stopped me like, "You want a commercial?" "Yeah, sure, I don't know if I have time, but I'll try." I'm just like, dude, I don't even, I have so much money I don't even know what to do with it. I bought like a small island off of the coast of Spain yesterday. I've never even been to Spain. I don't fucking speak Spanish. I don't give a shit. I'll just change the language. Like, I'll have my own language. I'll buy my own language. Can you do that? I don't know. I can, probably. I don't know, man. I owe it to you. But uh... I'm awesome. I'm awesome now. So... I don't know, you wanna come uh, wanna come hang out on my island? I'll call it, I'm gonna call it uh... I'm gonna call it uh... Chachum... Chachuma... Chachumacha. So, that's, that's the official name now. Um, I have this like assistant who like follows me around, like I'm pacing around my mansion right now, she's just like following me around, like, with her finger in my ass because I just ran out of shit for her to do. And she just, she just dialed in the Chachumacha or whatever the fuck I just said, and just like, it's official now, so. Come on over, man. Dan Rodandan: Ah, my friend. Leigh Foster, the guy who sat alone in his apartment full of shit. Well, a bucket full of shit cause they turned off his water. Uh, listen to him now! Listen to the voice of triumph! A man who has his own Cheerios commercial, a man who's on the buses of Chicago! I, I, I've seen the Instagram photos of him, and uh uh uh, the, the curse of Dan Rodandan strikes again! You come to me, you come to me sad, and you walk away victorious! Rebecca BMW has her own show now. Leigh Foster got a Cheerios commercial. Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh, Todd Raines is gonna do *Hamlet*, *Hamlet* and, and also uh, looking at girls' tits with motor patrol. If you wanna, if you wanna become a success? Talk to me. Works for everybody except for me. I talk to the mirror every day, so maybe, maybe at some point I'm gonna be huge. Congratulations Leigh, it sounds like you're getting everything, you got your uh, getting commercials left and right, you're gonna buy a language, that's good. If you're gonna buy a language I would recommend Navajo. Not a lot of people speak it, you can probably get it for pennies on the dollar, and it seemed to treat Uncle Sam okay during World War Two. Yes, the wind talkers with their codes. So, buy the Navajo language, use it on Chachumacha. Uh uh uh uh uh, I uh, I booked a rather lucrative uh, contract with a, a, a certain Saudi prince. But as soon as that's up, I would love to be your new assistant. I've got fingers. But uh uh uh uh uh uh, when the time comes, I'll, I'll give you a helping hand, I'll give you a helping arm, I'll give you a helping leg. I don't know what it'll take for you, but Leigh, you need me around. Next call. (voicemail beep) Lim Jahi: Hey Dan, this is Lim Jahi from the Sun and Fail Channel 5 News. Listen about uh, that Lady Gaga carving on the, on uh, on the watermelon you, you shipped to me, it shriveled up. Looks like uh, a bad rendition of Mahatma Gandhi. Question: are the eyes made from lemur shit? Sure smells like it, bud. Dan Rodandan: Well that's, that's, that's just heartbreaking to hear that that beautiful piece of art that I worked so hard on did not make the journey north. Uh, lemur shit, I don't know if it's easier to get up in Canada, eh, but here it's, it's tough pickings. And that's a specific smell. Well done on you, well done on that. Actually it was not lemur shit. It was candle wax that had been sort of congealing underneath the boiler in the basement of, of, of the school building that I'd been pretending to be a janitor at, and uh uh uh, it was the perfect color I thought. But it is kind of amazing though, when you think about the synchronicity that comes along with Lady Gaga and Mahatma Gandhi. Gaga, Gandhi. Ooo la la la la, Gandhi, rah rah rah, Ma-no, hold on, hold on, I gotta, I gotta... Oooh rah eh rah rah, Gandhi, Mahatma... See? You can, uh, so, next call. (voicemail beep) Todd Raines: Okay Dan, are you ready? I've been cast in *The Room 2*. This is going to be huge! Everyone's seen *The Room*. This is going to be huge! Um... they, they wouldn't actually, they uh, technically I still need to uh, I need to bring in extra people to uh, they aren't going to cast me otherwise, so I need to bring you in and, and like five more people that you know, cause they uh, um... yeah, they they need lots of people for the uh, cast and crew. Um... but... jeez. Okay, are you ready? Are you ready for this? Um, technically it's uh, it's not actually *The Room*, it's just, it's just, I read the script and it was like, "This couldn't not be the next *Room* movie, it's just so bad." But everyone's going to watch it! So whatever your plans are, you know, that you were doing, just forget your plans. Fuck your plans! Get over here, oh, oh actually I'll be heading over to your uh, wherever your, you know, I've been following you lately, okay, so, I'll be seeing you later today. Bye. Dan Rodandan: Todd Raines! Chaos reigns! Always a pleasure to hear from Todd Raines, I haven't heard from him in a while. And uh uh, that's my bad. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna, as soon as this taping is over, I am gonna run to the Whole Foods and buy myself some bison steaks. Start frying up some bison, because it sounds like Todd Raines is coming to my place. And he's coming to my place with a job. Uh uh I, I, I've heard of a bringer show where you have to bring ten people or else you don't get to go up on stage, but I've never heard of a bringer film before. Sounds like we got ourselves a bringer film. And I've seen *The Room*. I've thrown spoons at it, I've I, you know, you do the things you do when uh, the friends of yours are college age. And I'd be happy to do *The Room 2*. Tommy Wiseau is a, is a hero of mine, because he got to show his weird butthole to the camera and wiggle around with some girl's boobs who uh, who you could tell was only gonna be hot for about 20 more minutes. Uh uh uh, before the uh... that's just cruel. I mean everybody's seen her in this film, and uh, it's my job to empower women. So uh, I would say... Hi Mark! Oh, hi Mark! I, I, what part will I, will I have in this film? Anyway, I'm just looking forward to seeing Todd Raines. Todd Raines, I hope they can shoot the film on a cruise ship. See ya when you get here, sweet buddy. Sweet palomino. Pellegrino. Uh uh, next call. (voicemail beep) Jimmy: Hey Dan Rodandan, Jimmy here coming at ya. Yeah, I hit that watermelon upside down. Looks just like a baby lama, and those poop balls? They're eyes. Dan Rodandan: You, you took the watermelon, you turned it upside down, and it looked like one of those poot balls? A poot ball? What's a poot ball? Anyway, it's good to hear you're having a nice time, I miss partying with ya. You're you're... Poot balls. I gotta try to figure out what a poot ball is. Who knows, maybe I mean, he sounded excited about it, maybe people are gonna want mail-away poot balls. Next fall... give me your address and I'll mail you a poot ball. Next call. (voicemail beep) Stan Rodandan: Uh, hey uh, Danny. Um... it's uh, it's your brother. Stanley. It's been a while, uh, yeah, you you don't come around, you left. Um, no one knew where anyone, where uh, where to get in touch with ya, I guess I was the only smart one to Bing ya. So I Binged ya, and then I found this, so uh uh um... how, how are you, where where are you? Uh... well, um, listen, um, the reason I, I was looking for ya is that um... these, these detective guys have been poking around. Uh, Danny, and um... well, I think you're connected to about some guy who got burned in a car? Um... your car? Uh... it's definitely weird there, Dan, so uh... you know, if you could um, maybe uh, let us know what's going on, and uh, maybe you could help these detective guys out if you didn't do anything. Oh, and uh, I'm auditioning for uh, an improv mime troupe. Um, I was wondering uh, how long I should uh, do my dramatic monologue for. Yeah, give us a call, Danny, we miss ya. Okay? Hope all is well, and I hope uh, you didn't, haven't murdered somebody. Bye bye now. Dan Rodandan: Stan. My brother. Great. My brother. Stan. Look at him. Wearing his silk boxers, underwear. That's, that's, that's a part of a scene from a film that Jean-Claude Van Damme was in, it's called uh uh uh uh uh uh uh, *Double Impact*. This guy, my brother. Anyway, Stan Rodandan is my brother. Let me answer those questions in a row. How are ya? I'm fine, Stan. Where are ya? Staying away from you. What happened with the car burned down? Oh, I don't know, just, there was a homeless guy sleeping in it who I couldn't get rid of, because uh, somehow he fashioned a key out of wood, you wanna, you wanna ask somebody about that car fire? Why don't you find town hero, uh, Mr. I-caught-a-rapist? Mister I, I, I am, I am, I am a middle school teacher's arch nemesis, Mr. Corey Bowen. And his friend Blandon. You wanna tell those detectives where I am? I'll tell you where I am. Here. Hey detectives! Uh, I'm at Go Fuck Yourself Lane on Eat A Dick Drive, and Stan did it. Stan Rodandan. Stan Rodandan. My goddamn worthless piece of shit brother. And oh, how long did you want your dramatic monologue to go? I don't know, how long is the scene, fuckface? When it's over, that's when you stop! Next call. (voicemail beep) Nariko Ott: Uh, hey Dan. This is comedy legend Nariko Ott, uh, calling from Portland, Oregon. Uh, yeah, I just, uh, I'm a big fan. I know that's probably a big, a big shock, but I, I am, I am a huge fan and I gotta say your acting podcast has step-by-step really helped me in what I do uh, doing stand-up. And also, uh, since I've been listening to your podcast, I have successfully read uh, three times for parts on *Portlandia*. So that's pretty sweet. Uh, I didn't get any of them, but like I, but they, they kept calling me back, you know, for different things. Uh, you know, uh, years apart, but I, I definitely got called. So. Uh, I got, I got you to thank. So, uh, thank you so much man. Uh, and uh, uh, keep it up. Uh, or don't, I don't know. Uh, alright, bye. Dan Rodandan: Oh... the apathy of an established celebrity. You know, I know you gotta play it cool and say uh, "Keep going or don't", but uh uh uh uh, I'm not afraid to say that I'm excited to hear from you. Nariko Ott, stand-up comedian. We're actually Facebook friends. I have Facebook on my iPod Touch, and wouldn't you know it, some of his Facebook uh, hashtags are very amusing. I would recommend going and looking up Nariko Ott, and uh uh uh, if you want somebody who has the, the aesthetic of like a, late AIDS Freddie Mercury mixed with uh, Frank Zappa, late prostate cancer, mixed with a beautiful smile and some goddamn piercing eyes, that's your guy. Nariko Ott. It's amazing to know that I have an influence on you, because you've actually been an influence on me. I didn't know the value of... [coughs violently]... or the power of insulting women in order to get sex from them until I met you. I've never seen anyone do it better. You're the king. You're the Elvis. And uh... hey, *Portlandia* doesn't look like it's going anywhere. If you're hanging out with Fred Armisen, you should tell him you used to be in a band. He liked to drum. And also, if anybody out there has uh uh, the internet, you should look up the Dag Nabbit Stumps. They are a swamp rock... Is that right, a swamp rock band? They're from Swamp Water, Georgia, anyway, and their songs certainly rock the house. Anyway, great to hear from ya Nariko. Portland is uh, what, Portland, what do they say? Keep Portland weird? Next call. (voicemail beep) Woody Allen: Hi Daniel, Rodandan Standin, um, this is Woody Allen. Um, writer, director, Woody Allen, and I'm just, calling to say, uh, thank you, extend a huge amount of gratitude for everything you've done to sort of raise the consciousness of the American actor. Um, I know this is your farewell episode, and I felt I would be remiss if I didn't leave you a voicemail to, to thank you for, for what you've done for, for our industry. Uh, I, I can personally speak uh, on behalf of several actors that I've worked with uh, who hold you in, in, huge esteem. Think of you as a coach and as a mentor. Um, both Emma Stone and um, what's her name? The blonde one, Cate Blanchett. Uh, think of you as a father figure. Um, that's how much you mean to them. Um, Josh Brolin thinks of you as a brother-in-law. Um, because of how influential you've been on him. Um, Martin Landau, retroactively credits his performance in *Crimes and Misdemeanors* to you. Uh, and since, that, because of that, you'll always, always, always be like a great, great grandfather to him. And um, and even Javier Bardem, um, says that, you know, that there's a place at his Thanksgiving table for you. I personally have always thought of you as uh, as more, more like a, a stepdaughter. Ba-dum tss. I'm kidding, it's tasteless, I know. But... not too soon. Actually, I think it's been long enough, it's been over a year. It's a joke about Soon-Yi. But... that's it, I just wanted to call and just say, you know, as Woody Allen, who I am, Woody Allen... thank you. Dan Rodandan: Now this is a momentous day. To have the Woody Allen call into my show. I, I mean, the kingmaker. Woody Allen, the kingmaker, himself calling in. Uh uh, Martin Landau, *Crimes and Misdemeanors*. *Purple Rose of Cairo*! Uh... uh... what else did he do? Hey... Woody Allen. What, what, what did Woody Allen make? He's only made a couple movies, right? He's not very, he's not... Anyway, Woody Allen, you're a great, uh, you, uh... *Mighty Aphrodite*! Woody Allen. Always great to hear from a fan. Woody Allen. I'm gonna bask in this for a minute. Uh uh uh uh, let's all just take a minute and bask in the fact that director Woody Allen, independent filmmaker Woody Allen, who made films in the US and then couldn't get funding so he made films in Europe... himself. Woody Allen. Owen Wilson! Owen Wilson in... *Bananas*. He made the movie *Bananas*. Woody Allen, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Woody Allen is... I'm actually, I'm so overwhelmed right now I don't even know how to respond. I just want to say thank you Woody Allen, you're a handsome guy, you're probably a great clarinetist, and uh uh uh, incredible to hear your voice. You do sound, you know, you sound much taller in person, probably, but uh... oh god, Woody Allen. *Vicky Cristina Barcelona*, *Match Point*... uh... *Stardust Memories*. I'm robbing this bank with a gub. It's a gub. Woody Allen. Next call. (voicemail beep) Caller: Hi. Dan, I have listened to every podcast of yours, and I really wish I could tell you what I'm about to say in person, but this is the only way I know how to get a hold of you. And I feel a very deep connection with you. I've always known I was an actor, and I guess you could say it's in my blood. This is really hard to say. I grew up in an orphanage and recently I discovered who my biological parents are. Here it goes. Dan, you are my biological... biological father. So my question is, will you take on this role and be my dad? Rodad dad? Dan Rodandan: Oh, I really wish you would have left a name and number that I could get back to you with. So compelling. You got a beautiful voice. You got my signature pauses and stutters. You sound like an actor. It's just a shame that I'm not going to be able to continue to keep this number after today. So if you can find another, I guess it's not in the cards with the hands of fate. But I'd love to meet you. Yes, I would love to be your dad, Rodandan dad. It's got a beautiful ring to it. But I just don't know how to get in touch with you or how you're going to be able to get in touch with me. I guess we'll just have to let the fates decide. And maybe if someday our paths cross on this winding road, then I will step into that role. But until then, we're just going to leave it up to the hands of chance. Because you and me, we don't know any other way. As you said, it's in our blood. Next call. (voicemail beep) Kelsey Olsen: Hi Dan, uh... this is Kelsey Olsen. Um, I just thought I would give you a call cause I was thinking about you the other day, and I listened to your podcast, and it sounds like you are up to all kinds of great adventures. Um, I know it's been a while since you've seen me, so I'm not sure if you really remember me, but I actually have a question for you. Um, in the two short years since we last spoke, I've actually had a lot of stuff going on in my life, and it turns out that I am pregnant. Um, I'm wondering if you have any advice for a pregnant lady in terms of going into auditions and um, booking the job. Um, I wish you so much luck in your future and I hope, I hope to see you again soon. Alrighty. Bye bye. Dan Rodandan: You know, it's incredible what going off the air can do. Uh, you let people know that maybe this is your last show, all of a sudden you got a couple of propositions for fatherhood. You get, get a couple of propositions for uh uh uh... well, the thing is I got a lot of options right now. You know, I'm the hot ticket in town! Oh, could I raise my own daughter, maybe I can raise Kelsey Olsen's uh, kid, or whatever. Uh uh uh, cause she is the one that got away. I'm sitting out here in my canoe with my broken rod, and uh, that fish is just swimming, swimming with a hook in her face. That's a metaphor for a baby. So, how do you land an audition while pregnant? Don't tell em! Cause you're only gonna get bigger! And there's nothing that a person wants out of an actress less than bigger! You know what's worse than old? Big. That's acting. I guess it's kind of the opposite of dicks. That's just a side note. Anyway, congratulations on the baby. I hope the father's in the picture. Kelsey Olsen. We had some times. Next call. (voicemail beep) High School Actor: Hey Dan. Hope you can help. I'm in the spring production of *How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying* at my high school. I'm in the chorus, but I really want to stand out. And I was, I worked up a routine to do downstage with another chorus member. It's strictly background action. There's a lot of people in the background so who knows if they'll even see me, but I don't know, I just wanted another way to stand out a little bit, you know? You think this will help? Thanks, Dan. Also, how do I find out how my butt ranks compared to other guys' butts in the cast? Thank you. Dan Rodandan: Alright, so the first thing you gotta do is you gotta find yourself someone who is a closeted homosexual in the cast. Because they are going to be the closest confidant of all of the females in the cast. And girls at high school cannot help but rank guys' butts. They also can't help but rank what they imagine guys' dicks look like. So, if you find out which one of them is a closeted homosexual, he can give you all of the inside skinny on butt and wiener rankings. To answer the other question: how do I stand out? You may not like this idea. You're gonna have to fart a lot on stage. If you make fart noises, people are gonna look at ya. Especially if you can fart louder than the music. Uh, if that's not working out for ya, if you can't fart on command, because not everybody can, the other thing you can do is drop your dance partner. Drop her on the floor. If she gets hurt, everybody's gonna look at you, hey, negative attention is better than no attention. Another thing you can always do is pull your dick out, but that's sort of a last resort kind of thing. Because you can only do that for one performance. I mean if you do it twice, nobody's gonna believe it's an accident. I know. So you get one shot with that. So make sure the people in the audience you want to notice you are there the day you pull your dick out. Next call. (voicemail beep) Corey Bowen: Hey, Mr. Rodandan. You might not remember me, but my name is Corey Bowen, and you were my vice principal in junior high school. Well, anyway, I've gone through a lot of stuff since I last saw you, and I've met some people, and I've gone through some stuff, and basically, I just wanted to let you know that I'm not the kid that, you know, tried to frame you and got you fired from your job. I'm not that person anymore. And I just wanted to say that what I did was really messed up. And I'm sorry for what I did. And I hope you can forget me. And I guess this is just kind of like my way of trying to make amends with you. So I really hope you can accept my apology. Psych! You're a fucking loser. It's fucking hilarious listening to you fail. What a joke. Dan Rodandan: All right, Corey. Well, hey. Hey, I, ooh, Corey Bowen, the kid who ruined everything for me and actually spurred my career. I would not have pursued an acting career if it were not for Corey Bowen. He pushed me to the limits of my previous job, which was a middle school interim vice principal. But, you know, Corey, it's probably getting pretty boring out there not being able to taunt or torment anyone like me. But I'd like to introduce you to my brother, Stan Rodandan. Maybe you could run into Stan Rodandan and set his car on fire. Or at least gloat about what you've done to me. I probably won't get back to any detectives or anything like that. So do, do connect with my brother and do yourself a favor. It's so exhausting to stay angry at you, Corey. It's really exhausting. You know, a lot of people have done me wrong since you. I mean, what you did to me was horrible, but it was literally child's play. I mean, I've been in two comas since the last time you've seen me. I've been beaten unmercifully. I can't even pronounce unmercifully anymore because of how badly I've been b-b-b-beaten. I rode in a bus across the country in the cargo hold. So, hey, it's fun to listen to you fail, you fucking loser. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What kind of a goddamn teenager is still holding a grudge against his middle school vice principal? Hope you're doing great, Corey. You know what? I hope you have a great life. I hope you quit living in the past. I hope you find what you're looking for. Because, uh uh uh, it ain't me, hotshot. You know what they say is worse? You know what they say is worse than hate? Neglect. You called me, asshole. I didn't call you. I have the power. Next call. (voicemail beep) Dan's Mom: Daniel? This is mom. That's right, your mother. And yes, I'm calling you from beyond the grave. I know what you've been thinking all these years about that afternoon. That warm, Hawaiian gardens afternoon. The day I left to pick you up from Aloha Elementary, I had just bought a couple of avocados for dinner, from Julian's Mexican food. And I dropped one, and I chased after it as it rolled onto Carson Street. That's when the Metro Los Angeles Line 62 bus came, and it flattened me like a warm, raspberry jelly-filled pancake. What luck, huh? The one time that bus is on schedule. Anyway, I'm calling to tell you that it's not your fault, Daniel. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Say it with me, Daniel. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Dan Rodandan: It's not your fault. If you believe in magic in a young girl's heart... I don't know who you are, I don't know I don't know how you know the things you know... You gotta toy, toy with me like, you're gonna try to force, you're gonna force closure on a broken man? By mom, calling from beyond the grave? Whoever did this... I hope you had good intentions. Because I'm gonna be able to move on now. Ahhhhhh... Ahhhhhh... Ahhhhhh... That's just the pain leaving the body. Next call. (voicemail beep) Thomas Bigley: Hi, Dan Rodandan, this is Thomas Bigley. I'm a long time listener, first time caller. And I just wanted to call, since it's your final show coming up, and just ask you what it feels like to know that the end is near. Thanks so much. Dan Rodandan: Well, knowing that the end is near, uh uh boy... Knowing that the end is near uh uh reminds me of a song. And it's a song that may speak particularly to you, Thomas Bigley. Long time fan, thank you for that. Uh uh uh uh, carry on my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry, don't you cry, don't you cry no more! Well, when the end is near, there are no more tears. Because it's over. You drop the curtain. You let the curtain come down on those sad eyes. You know, sleep is like uh uh uh uh teleportation. You disappear, you stop existing, and then when you wake up, it's like you're a whole new you. So you die every night. So it's not the end, it's the beginning, it's reincarnation. Every time you fall asleep, it's reincarnation, you go to heaven in your dreams, or you go to hell in your dreams, based... hey, that's on you, chap. I took mushrooms about 45 minutes ago and uh uh uh uh sorry if this is getting a little too uh, getting a little too uh, a great to hear from you, Thomas. Next caller. (voicemail beep) Lee Foy: Hey Dan, it's uh, it's Lee Foy. My name's Lee Foy. I know you don't get a lot of calls from British actors, um, you know, from very different schools of thought on this, on the craft, but uh, I, I had a question, I feel a lot, a few, very specific, little answer. And I know this is your last show, and I thought this'd be a good way sort of a good send off, a good beat to do at the end here. Uh, you know, there's a lot of actors uh, who have a problem, they struggle with addictions. And uh, it's really, it's really awful, um, not just to their careers but to their, to them as people as well. Um, you know, they find themselves at the end of a long day with needles in their arms and it's not doing them any good, doing anyone. Um, and I wonder if this is something you could speak to. You know, the actor who can't seem to reconcile sort of his, you know, the size of his passion with uh, sort of the breadth of his uh, of his talent, and also the depth of his uh, of his despair. Uh, and this is something I, I know a lot of us struggle with. I hit rock bottom myself Dan, when I was 16 years old. I learned the hard way. Uh, I wanted to get to America and I did actually. I wanted to make it in New York or Hollywood and uh, uh, the airline was having a special to Fort Lauderdale. Which is where I flew, and which is where I wound up, and it's where I've been living. Uh, this place where I call home now. You know, cause I learned the hard way, Dan. But there's a lot of us, there hasn't. And I wonder if you could speak to them in sort of a send off, you know, sort of a final gesture. Uh, to speak to those of us with, with addictions, uh, both British and American and, and from all over the, you know, creed as well. Uh, it's difficult, uh, it's a difficult business as you well know. Uh, and and and we often find ourselves with deep sort of unfillable holes in uh, that we that we that we fill with needles and, and chunking to our veins and it's not doing us any good, Dan, as soon as I'm... So, if you could speak to us about, you know, getting that needle out of the arm, finally getting that needle out of the arm, both, you know, the proverbial needle and, and the literal ones as well. Thank you Dan, very much for what you've done. It's been a good ride man. It's been a good ride. Dan Rodandan: Well, thank you for riding. Thank you for chasing that dream with me. Thank you for chasing that dragon in that show business. Thank you for taking the time to making the call and uh uh uh I mean, it's a familiar story. It's a story we all know. It's a story of needles. It's a story of inches. It's a story of uh, relief. How do you get a little relief? Uh, when you're young, what are you gonna get? You're gonna get a beer. Hey, beer is great! Uh, you get a little bit older, what are you gonna do? You're gonna smoke cigarettes and weed and beer. You're gonna play, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna play that game. Where does that game lead? Maybe that game leads a few different directions. Sometimes that game leads to cocaine. Sure. You play the cocaine game for a while. Maybe it's fun. But... she's an expensive game. Alright, so cocaine's expensive. But you still gotta job. So you got a job, and you got a job, and you got insurance, and what do you do with that insurance? Oh, you lie to a doctor. Maybe you lie to a lot of doctors, maybe you get a lot of pills. Maybe you get a lot of prescription pills. Maybe you can't hold it together anymore. Maybe you lose that job, maybe you lose that insurance. And those pills that you used to take, used to be 5 dollars for a month, now they're 30 dollars a day. Black market. Is there, is there anything that's gonna do what those pills do? What's gonna do what those pills do? Heroin. Sure, you could get some heroin. Heroin is uh, is less expensive than those pills. So you start snorting it, you know, you gotta snort that heroin. It does the job, but what they don't tell ya, is that it burns your nose and your throat. And that's not sustainable, so you're like, well I'm already doing heroin, you know, in for a penny, in for a pound. So you go to the needle. And the needle is a very, very different animal. You try that needle, and all of a sudden, you think to yourself, oh! Everything's different. This is what I do now, and this is my game, and I'm in it to win it. You do it once, and it... it feels like you shook the hand of the Lord. It's like you're looking at the eight, eight uh, wonders of the world at once. And then you do it again, and all of a sudden it's, it's just like watching *Tron* in 3D. And then you do it again, and all of a sudden it's like playing *Command and Conquer* for the first time. And you uh, you do it again, and all of a sudden it's like watching your first uh, Terry Gilliam film. Then you watch it again and it's like a decent episode of *The Simpsons*. You do it again and it's like uh... it's like watching half a good movie on an airplane when you didn't pay for the, the headphones. And then you do it again and it's like uh... it's like playing *Bejeweled* on your phone on the train. And how do you get it back? You know, it's like when you date that girl when you're too young to know any better, and you remember how great it was at the beginning because it was the first time and you're like, oh, this is what they talk about. And then later on you, the two, you don't really know each other, but all you remember is that excitement of the beginning, and how do you get that back? You can't. And then you die. Next call. Dan Rodandan: That's all the calls, there's done. There's no more after that one. What's, what's that sound? Is that the fat lady? Do I hear the fat lady? Enough stalling. Enough Joseph Stalin. uh... I gotta tell you, doing this has been a uh... you know, I, I, I set out, I set out at the beginning of this to try and uh, try and make a difference. For those of you out there who want to learn how to act, and for those of you who want to make, who want to make your own art, and uh, those of you out there who didn't have any support. The support from uh uh uh, people who wanted to, to give you the opportunities, you gotta make your own opportunities, you gotta... you gotta do for yourself, God bless the child who make his own... Uh... and here it is. Simple as that. You put in a couple of years, you know, you, you try as hard as you can, you, you take your lumps, you make... you make a few things, you, you try to create... and maybe nothing, maybe none of it, maybe none of it means anything, maybe none of it matters, but uh, maybe you grow. Maybe you don't. And maybe that's the lesson. Maybe, maybe just spinning your wheels... Maybe that's the point. Maybe that's uh... just finding something to do to... I mean, you're here anyway. Doesn't have to make anybody else happy, as long as it distracts you. As long as it keeps you from thinking about um... how the things you care about don't matter. As long as it makes ya... As long as it lets you sleep, as long as it, as long as it lets you wake up, as long as, as long as you can pretend tomorrow's gonna be better. As long as uh... as long as you can hope that somebody out there is gonna want to see what you have to do or hear what you have to say, as long as... I mean, hey, you make a podcast, you put it out there, you look at the numbers, you try to see the numbers, and it says ten people are listening and maybe nine of them are you. And somehow it still feels good. Maybe... maybe uh... maybe I'll see ya later, maybe I, maybe I'll see ya, maybe... maybe this is all a dream, maybe I'm, maybe I'm your dream. Maybe I'm not even here. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be nice if I never, if I'm just... if I'm just a sad fantasy? If I'm just a uh uh uh uh, if I'm just a hollow, terrifying, uh, shadow of an idea of a dream? If I'm just a, if I'm just a uh uh uh uh, I don't know, a reflection of a torment that uh, that some of us recognize, wouldn't that be nice? Trouble is I'm real. I'm there. Not going away. I'll be there as long as you are. And you know me. Well... Let's not end on a downer. Is there anything more beautiful than the majesty of song? It's the only time men can be birds. When they sing. Uh uh uh uh, so let me fly away with you. Let's, let's fly away together. Let's, like Icarus, let's fly directly into the sun and burn to death. (sings) Dan Rodandan: It's not over, but it's over for now. Don't know how or when, but I'll be back again. I'm not finished, I'm just kinda tired. Just need some time to think, and a bathtub wine to drink. I know you'll miss me, but it's just for a while. So if you get sad, just shoot yourself a smile. Cause friends and laughter help you live ever after, boy oh. This isn't ending, I'm not saying goodbye. Some people can't admit, when it's time to quit. You can't stop me, cause I promised my mom. I said I'm not a quitter, the day the bus hit her. I'm not running away, this ain't denial. But if it were, I'd probably shoot myself, shoot myself, shoot myself... [holds note/voice breaking] smile. Cause when some things don't go as planned, gee a smile sure does come in quite handy.