Working on Student Films

Dan Rodandan. Hey, call the cops, I am a murderer. Just kidding. I'm just kidding. I've never hurt anybody. I've never murdered anybody in my life. But that's a... I feel like it's time, at least it's time to cultivate sort of a tough guy sort of persona for myself because I've never played a villain before. I've never played a hero before. I've only played sort of a sideways or a side character, maybe an extra, maybe a background, maybe a host, maybe just Dan Rodandan himself, but I feel like after watching Skyfall, which I definitely enjoyed, I would love to have a part like Javier Bardem's Silva, or Silver, as I thought his name was for the first half of the movie, because everybody with an English accent keeps saying Silva, but it sounds like silver, which is what you use to kill werewolves. Silver. Silver bullets. Silver clubs. Silver candlesticks, if you're into Clue, which I am in a big way. I love that game. I love that movie. I love Michael McKean. I love This Is Spinal Tap. I once had a spinal tap in my own spine because I took some bad ecstasy and I don't know if that's what gave me spinal meningitis, but for some reason they coincided. I lost about 90 pounds during that time. I can say it was a good experience overall. I learned a lot. I learned about myself. I learned about the future. I had some very interesting dreams. I dreamt about what it would be like if there were dragons sort of talking to me in a geometrical language about the future of the universe. And I've looked online and it seems like I'm not the only one who's had that experience. So, you know, question asked. If there's anybody out there who knows what I'm talking about, go ahead and answer. Give me a call back.

I have not shaken this cold yet. I still have this cold. It's a persistent cough. It's a productive cough. It's a colorful cough. Sort of all sorts of rainbows of mucus and blood are coming out of my mouth and my throat, usually later at night, so I don't get too much sleep. Can't really dream, which might be a good thing.

But these days, the important thing is my role in The Fart Police, which is a film that we just completed shooting. We just wrapped. We finished our martini shot. And I definitely took a couple of shots afterward to sort of clean out the old memory banks because they certainly did not help me at the actual banks. It was an unpaid role, a student film with a 14-year-old director named Giovanni Guzmales. Uh uh interesting interesting experience being directed by somebody who was 14 years old, not quite a man but not a child, uh a kind of a child, acted like a child, threw tantrums like a child, um and told me, told me a lot of, made comments about the way that I smell and uh the way that I talk and the way that I act and the way that, uh, uh, uh, uh, he had a lot of questions for me, uh, which were, uh, what are you doing? What's wrong with you? Why are you going off book? And, uh, uh, uh, uh, once and for all the reason I'm going off book is because the book is whack. The book is weak. Fuck the book. Fuck you. Fuck your mom. Which I said to her face when I showed up and, uh, the craft services table was what? A bowl of oatmeal with raisins. No thank you. But thank you.

I don't even smoke. Uh uh uh. I um, I hope you weren't listening to that with headphones because that was probably rough on the old drums there. Which is a drumbeat from a famous Bugs Bunny cartoon. Or Mickey Mouse, I don't remember which.

Either way, I feel like I was not used the right way in this film. I would like to give a performance for you, my faithful listeners. The Dan Rodandans and the Rodandanettes. Um, this is a scene from The Fart Police. Again, I play Officer Tudor Bear.

I'm so sorry about those noises that are coming out of my body. Those are the illness leaving the Rodandan. Okay, so here it is. A scene from The Fart Police. Detective Tudor Bear walks in to a crime scene and he sees a teddy bear who's had his stuffing ripped out.

What's going on here?

Oh, I see.

All right, I'll let those do their work. And then they'll report back to me and let me know what's going on.

Oh, who did it?

The bear? That's what I thought. He's a dirty bear. That's why he's been diverting the water for the crops.

That's how I wanted to play it. To me, that seems authentic. This is how he wanted me to play it.

Hey, what's going on here? Who did it? That was the mayor.

I wasn't going to do it that way. That's what he wanted. And if he really wants, he can take what I just did and he can put that on there. He can use that audio from my podcast. I'm giving him permission to use that.

But he had a lot of questions for me. And actually, now that I think about it, there have been a few more of you out there in Rodandanland, or I guess just in the world, not really Rodandanland. There's no such place. There's no such thing. Who have left messages on my answering machine because I have not bothered to take down my Craigslist ad asking for questions. Again, what is this? Three? Three episodes without a guest? Things are going good for me. Let's go ahead and play those. Let's play one of the... all right, let's hit play.

Okay, Tom. This is Dan Rodandan. First things first. I do not have a roommate. I do not have a child. Thank you for rubbing both of those facts in. Secondly, I would like to say that I think maybe Janet is not that into you because she gave you my number instead of her number. Maybe she thinks that you would be perfect to date me. Which, as I am not interested in people named Tom or Thomas or Tomissimo or any other Tom variation, it might not work for you and me. Although, I am looking for a friend. So if you hear this and you are interested in acting or you're a director of some type or if you're playing Words With Friends online, maybe we could buddy up. I could play, play games with you with my iPod Touch. Or we could meet in person and sort of talk about our lives and our feelings and our futures. And maybe we won't, but it's a nice thought. It's good to think about the future. Better than thinking about the past or the present.

There's one more answering message here. Let's play that, hopefully it'll be about acting.

Well, sure. I mean, the quickest way to lose some weight is to do a lot of vigorous exercise and try to cut out sugar and alcohol. But I feel like you sound like a person in need, maybe a person in trouble, maybe you ran away, I don't know. Maybe, maybe you try calling me again and we can sort of rehearse the scene that you're worried about. Maybe you spend a little time getting comfortable with me. I'll spend a little time getting comfortable with you and maybe we'll both grow and learn from this experience. Maybe you'll learn to appreciate your body because I appreciate it and I appreciate you and I appreciate what we have together. I appreciate your feelings about your body, and I appreciate your body. I would be very interested in finding out about that, in giving you the opportunity to find out about me. We'll find things together. Maybe we'll find a climax, and maybe we'll find a friendship or a relationship or a working relationship. Maybe there's a part of this film for me. Maybe there's a part of your life for me. Maybe there's something that we can, maybe, maybe. All I can say is call me, maybe. Like the song.

Everyone, please call me. I'm so lonely. I would love some more calls.