Episode 9 · Feb 12, 2013 · 25:55

You Monster, Harrison Ford!

Dan coaches a young actor through a Harrison Ford-sized villain. Dave Braithwait will be back in Episode 31. You monster!

Show
Teaching Actors How to Act
Host
Dan Rodandan
Published
February 12, 2013
Length
25:55
With
Dave Braithwait, Caller, Neighbor

Transcript

Full transcript of Teaching Actors How to Act episode 9, hosted by acting coach Dan Rodandan.

Dan Rodandan:

Hello all, this is Dan Rodandan, and I can't thank you enough for downloading this podcast. Not really a melodic ending to the song, but a genuine one, a sincere one. Sincerity, they say, is the new sarcasm. It's something that is very popular these days. I believe The Simpsons are trying to do it. And I don't mean the O.J. Simpsons. I do love orange juice. It is a delicious drink, especially with a little bit of a vodka. You can sort of sneak that into your office if you'd like.

My favorite thing about the office is that when you go into the bathroom, the urinal usually smells like a coffee pot. That's just an observation that I've had. Pot is a drug, a drug that I've tried a few times when I was very young. I did not enjoy it, sort of made time slow down and I thought about all the mistakes that I've made since junior high and that pretty much took all day. So I'm going to say keep off the drugs and don't drive while you're high. Don't drive while you're young. I think just don't drive if you don't know how. Unless you're trying to drive a bargain. You should always try to do that, I guess. I mean, not that, not to get political, but in Obama's America we all have to try.

I believe that the voice that you're... oh yeah. Here they come again. They're the rollers picking up another body in the Hawaiian Gardens area of Los Angeles. If you're curious, why don't you go ahead and Google the murder map. You can see all the different things that have happened in the past decade. But we do have palm trees here, so that makes up for it.

Today I have a guest.

Dave Braithwait:

Hi.

Dan Rodandan:

And I'm very grateful to have a guest. My guest, Dave Braithwait, is a young man who is interested in acting. His mother emailed me and said that he had some questions, he had some comments.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

So please, tell us about yourself, Mr. Braithwait.

Dave Braithwait:

Um, yeah, I'm Dave Braithwait. My mom drove me here because I need to, because I need to get, I need some interests. So I wanted to know, how do you be an actor? Like, how do you be an actor?

Dan Rodandan:

How do you be an actor?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Well, the first thing you need to have is the desire.

Dave Braithwait:

Uh-huh.

Dan Rodandan:

Do you have that?

Dave Braithwait:

I mean, yeah. So I want to be an, okay.

Dan Rodandan:

You want to be an actor?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah. So my mom said, what do you want to do? And I said, I don't know. And she said, well, you have to get up. You have to get out of your room. What are you going to do? And I said, I want to be an actor.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay. And what kind of an actor do you want to be? Do you want to be a leading man, a supporting character? Do you want to be the guy who carries the gun? Do you want to be the emotional center of something? Do you want to be the comic relief?

Dave Braithwait:

I don't want to, because I couldn't, I want to be like, so the cop finds the, he's like, where's the bad guy? And then there's like the guy, he's like, he's over at the, go to see your, you see that guy that we talked to at the beginning. Go see him again.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

So I want to either be the guy that tells him, go see the guy at the beginning, or the guy at the beginning where he comes back to see him. And then it turns out he was the guy. And then that was me. So I'll be like, I knew, I thought you would be here.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

You were not so different, you and me.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, so I knew that we would see each other again.

Dan Rodandan:

You knew it should have been me all along.

Dave Braithwait:

I should have been the one.

Dan Rodandan:

She doesn't love you or something like that.

Dave Braithwait:

Right.

Dan Rodandan:

She never loved you. I'm the one she knew from the beginning.

Dave Braithwait:

I was there.

Dan Rodandan:

I was there.

Dave Braithwait:

You can't have her. That's why you found her under that house.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah. I like this.

Dave Braithwait:

I don't want her. You can have her. She's too fat for me.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah. She can't get up, and she'll never get up again.

Dan Rodandan:

Right. You don't even know if this gun's loaded.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Was it?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

It was the ice that was poisoned, not the coffee.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Something to that effect.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

I have to tell you, I'm very interested in seeing your work at this point. What have you done in the past? Anything?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, so I, um, I mean I, so I, like, I did like a introduction to, um, to botany, because, because I had—

Dan Rodandan:

And botany is what?

Dave Braithwait:

That's like, um, studying plants, because, uh, um, like a friend of my mom's, um, she's, her, her son like got into that and she thought maybe I would like that, so I, so I did that.

Dan Rodandan:

I'm sorry, how old are you again?

Dave Braithwait:

Uh, I'm 22.

Dan Rodandan:

22 years old?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

So, um, you know, which if you're playing blackjack is a bust.

Dave Braithwait:

Uh-huh.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Because when I say bust, what do you think of?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, I think, I think I have so, um, because I have some magazines.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah, I bet you do.

Dave Braithwait:

Well, I have the internet.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

And that, uh—

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah, oh yeah. Well you'd like to look at stuff on the internet?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, I, my, um, so you can't, you need a, like in my house you need a password to get to that stuff.

Dan Rodandan:

Sure. Do you have an iPod or anything?

Dave Braithwait:

Um, no. I have a little thing. It's not an iPod, but it has some songs on it, some music on it. But it's just got a little, you can't—

Dan Rodandan:

You have what? A radio?

Dave Braithwait:

It's just like a...

Dan Rodandan:

What do you have?

Dave Braithwait:

My grandmother got it for me because my mom told her I wanted an iPod, but it's not an iPod, but you can play music on it.

Dan Rodandan:

What is it, a Coldplay CD? What did she get you?

Dave Braithwait:

No, it's, you can put, you plug it into the, it's not, it's just a little plastic thing, and it has like a, just letters, you can't, there's no—

Dan Rodandan:

A Speak & Spell?

Dave Braithwait:

It's, it's, but you put music, because you can change the music on it, but it's not, it's not an iPod, it's not an iPod.

Dan Rodandan:

It's like a phone with ringtones?

Dave Braithwait:

I'm not, but I can't be, I'm not mad, because my grandmother loves me, and I mean, that was, she doesn't have—

Dan Rodandan:

Well, you got one up on me, it's a beautiful thing.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

The love of your family. Tell me about your family. What other family members love you? Are there any that you have problems with?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, so no, I mean, I have, you know, my older brother doesn't live with us anymore. He's, he had to move because he has a job, so they, they wanted him to be somewhere where the, where the job was, because they thought that he would be a worker. Yeah, and he's doing it, so he does that, and so we see him sometimes, but we don't really talk.

Dan Rodandan:

Any fights around the holidays?

Dave Braithwait:

So, like, you know, so the holidays, that's when, so we see my dad a lot then, because he's real busy the rest of the year.

Dan Rodandan:

Sure, what's he do?

Dave Braithwait:

So he works at a bank and there's a lot to do around there, I guess.

Dan Rodandan:

At the bank?

Dave Braithwait:

At the bank. So then in the holidays, then we spend time together and my brother and my little sister.

Dan Rodandan:

It sounds like you have a whole family, and that's lovely. Do you have any romance in your life?

Dave Braithwait:

Like, do I have a girlfriend? No, I don't... I had, like, when I was in, like, sixth grade, I had, you know, there was a girl that... I had a girlfriend for, like, a week then, but...

Dan Rodandan:

Going with baseball terms, how far have you gone on the baseball diamond?

Dave Braithwait:

Um, okay, so, um, well I mean I don't, I've never touched a boob.

Dan Rodandan:

Uh-huh. Have you ever kissed a girl?

Dave Braithwait:

Uh, I've, I've kissed like—

Dan Rodandan:

You ever touch a butt?

Dave Braithwait:

I've, I've never, so like, no girl has been like, touch my butt or like, touch me.

Dan Rodandan:

Well, they don't always tell you. Sometimes you just have to take that initiative.

Dave Braithwait:

So you mean like, so I should, so I never did that, I never was like, I want it, because I, I wanted to—

Dan Rodandan:

Just to be sure, I'm not telling you to walk up to women and grab them.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay, I'm, so now I'm confused.

Dan Rodandan:

Uh-huh. So don't, so don't, don't walk up to women that you don't know and grab their genitals.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Take a girl to dinner.

Dave Braithwait:

But if I know a girl—

Dan Rodandan:

Make eye contact with her. If things seem to be going okay. If you're not, uh, if you haven't repelled her—

Dave Braithwait:

Because I do know a girl and I wanted to touch her, but we didn't talk, but I wanted to touch her butt and also her chest. But I didn't, because I thought, yeah, she should be like, you should do that.

Dan Rodandan:

Oh, she said you should do that.

Dave Braithwait:

No, she did, but I thought she should.

Dan Rodandan:

You thought she should say you should do that.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, you should touch my butt or you should touch my boob or my boobs.

Dan Rodandan:

So I'm going to hold out my hand here in a fist. Go ahead and touch my fist the way you would touch her boob if you got the opportunity.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay. So, by the way, I'm going to, just because I'm still confused about that, I'm going to pretend like your fist said that it was a boob and for it to touch it. Please touch me. I'm a boob.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, yeah, good.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay. I mean, honestly, I hope they don't feel like this.

Dan Rodandan:

No, they don't.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

But to be fair, you're doing a much, much better job than I expected.

Dave Braithwait:

Oh.

Dan Rodandan:

Is this the first time you've ever tried to fondle something acting as a breast?

Dave Braithwait:

I'm like with my hand.

Dan Rodandan:

You practice by yourself.

Dave Braithwait:

Because I thought. I thought about it.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah.

Dave Braithwait:

But.

Dan Rodandan:

You ever dream about it?

Dave Braithwait:

I dreamt about it.

Dan Rodandan:

Tell me about these dreams.

Dave Braithwait:

So like I'm, so I'm in, I'm in school.

Dan Rodandan:

For botany?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Right.

Dave Braithwait:

And so we're, so, but I'm by myself. I'm the only one there. But so at first, and then, but then when I leave the room, I'm not, I'm at, I'm at like the restaurant where I had my 11th birthday.

Dan Rodandan:

You were at the restaurant where you had your 11th birthday.

Dave Braithwait:

And then, but everybody's there. So, and then my whole family's there. But then there's, but then there, you know who's there, but she's not wearing clothes, is the girl in that show. Because I don't get to watch it, but it's the one about she's in the CIA or something.

Dan Rodandan:

Homeland.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

So you see Claire Danes nude at your 11th grade birthday party, and that's your dream?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, so we're just at the restaurant, though, but I'm not—

Dan Rodandan:

You're not 11. You're just at a place that has a significance to you.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

The birthday where you feel like you became a man, you're there with Claire Danes, who played Temple Grandin in that horse movie.

Dave Braithwait:

Well, she's nude.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah. You're there. You're asleep. And do you touch her butt?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, because I get to do everything. Because she says—

Dan Rodandan:

You get to do everything.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Now what is everything?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, so I touch her butt and I also touch her boob?

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah. Do you touch her penis?

Dave Braithwait:

And do I touch mine?

Dan Rodandan:

No, hers.

Dave Braithwait:

Wait. No, she doesn't, because she doesn't have that.

Dan Rodandan:

Good. I was testing you and you passed. Very nice.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Very nice. I just wanted to make sure that you knew. Why don't we do a couple of acting exercises as something to sort of warm you up, if that's all right.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Let's do something for diction. Okay, I'm going to say a phrase, and I'd like you to say the phrase after I say it. Is that all right?

Dave Braithwait:

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Dave Braithwait:

Rubber baby buggy... okay, I'm going to start.

Dan Rodandan:

Perfect. No, you did it perfect the first time.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, we'll move on to the next one. Thrifty thistle sifters.

Dave Braithwait:

Thrifty thistle sifters.

Dan Rodandan:

That is pretty close. Pretty close. Let's hear that one more time.

Dave Braithwait:

Thrifty thistle sifters.

Dan Rodandan:

All right. And why would you want that? Why is it important for an actor to not spend a lot of money when he's sifting his thistles?

Dave Braithwait:

Thrifty. Because sometimes it's a long time between when you're working.

Dan Rodandan:

Right.

Dave Braithwait:

Sometimes you have to wait a while before.

Dan Rodandan:

That's exactly right.

Dave Braithwait:

So when you've got to get... so when you're sifting your thistles, I mean, don't...

Dan Rodandan:

Got to get the value out of it.

Dave Braithwait:

Be careful.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah. Take your time. Do it right. Go slow to go fast.

Dave Braithwait:

Right.

Dan Rodandan:

I think that's a plan. I think they were talking about that.

Dave Braithwait:

Mm-hmm.

Dan Rodandan:

The thistle.

Dave Braithwait:

Thistle.

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah. And, okay, now we're going to do one that's a little bit longer. I'm a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I'm a very pleasant mother pheasant plucker.

Dave Braithwait:

Wow. I'm a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I pluck mother pheasants. I'm a very pleasant mother. I'm a very pleasant mother pheasant plucker.

Dan Rodandan:

That was pretty close. Let's see how fast you can do it. Lightning speed.

Dave Braithwait:

I'm a mother pleasant plucker—

Dan Rodandan:

Wait a minute. That was okay. Strike one, you get two more. Do you like baseball?

Dave Braithwait:

Oh, yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Think about baseball.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay. I'm a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck many mother pheasants. I'm a very pleasant mother pheasant plucker.

Dan Rodandan:

You added the word many, but I tell you what, I like it. I say go off book when you can, you know, because the book is really just a suggestion in film. Not so much in theater, but in film, just Apatow the thing. Add as many words as you want. So I'm going to say a phrase now, and I want you to add all the words you can to it, okay?

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

The big black bug had bugs' blood, bud. So go in there, throw out all the words you want to. Go for it.

Dave Braithwait:

The big black bug had bud in blood with his mud.

Dan Rodandan:

Bud?

Dave Braithwait:

No, the big black bud was a bug. And he bugged and he bugged that bug. That bug was black, that black bug. Black that bug. Black... black that bug.

Dan Rodandan:

My God! My God! I tell you what, if you do that in an audition...

Dave Braithwait:

Uh-huh?

Dan Rodandan:

You will blow Russell Crowe out of the room. That was shocking. Not to mention the hard eye contact you made with me during that entire time. It was magical. It was mystical. I feel like I was transported. I was seeing bugs. I was seeing the darkness inside these bugs. I was looking at mud, which I did not expect to see.

Dave Braithwait:

Oh, yeah. I remember.

Dan Rodandan:

Thank you for that.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, so I'm just going to say some words that are somewhat difficult, and I would like you to say them back to me. Unique New York.

Dave Braithwait:

Unique New York?

Dan Rodandan:

Now, what do you think about when you think about a unique New York experience? What is something that could only happen in New York?

Dave Braithwait:

So, because people, like, if you got robbed, you can get robbed anywhere, though.

Dan Rodandan:

You can get robbed anywhere. It's not a good example. Try again. Strike one. That's a big whiff, baseball.

Dave Braithwait:

So, go to the Statue of Liberty?

Dan Rodandan:

Well, they got that at Las Vegas.

Dave Braithwait:

Oh.

Dan Rodandan:

New York, New York Casino, so. You need a unique New York experience.

Dave Braithwait:

You could, if you went to the Empire, so, but what if you went to the Empire State Building and you got robbed there?

Dan Rodandan:

I think we have a winner. Well done. Well done. Two strikes, no balls, and a home run.

Dave Braithwait:

There we go.

Dan Rodandan:

Great job, Dave Braithwait. Okay, so we're going to do another one. Are you ready for this?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Cinnamon, linoleum, aluminum.

Dave Braithwait:

Cinnamon, linoleum, aluminum.

Dan Rodandan:

Cinnamon, linoleum, aluminum.

Dave Braithwait:

Cinnamon, linoleum, aluminum. Cinnamon, aluminum, Cinnabon, linoleum, aluminum, cinnamon, Cinnabon. Cinnamon, aluminum, cinnamon, aluminum, linoleum, cinnamon, Cinnabon.

Dan Rodandan:

Perfect. I think so far you've mastered this. This is something that I think you're halfway to being an actor. Now, what we're going to do right now is a little improv, where you are going to play the dangerous murderer from the beginning of the episode.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

And I am the cop who has come back.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay.

Dan Rodandan:

Someone told me, hey, go back and see that first guy. So I will be Officer, let's say Tudor Bear.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

And you are going to be a criminal named Harrison Ford.

Dave Braithwait:

Okay, okay. That's... so you would... because you wouldn't think if his name was Harrison Ford that he was...

Dan Rodandan:

Yeah, you know, it's just so unlikely.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Usually plays a hero.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, so... and it begins. Hey! This is Officer Tudor Bear. What's going on in here?

Dave Braithwait:

Thought I'd be seeing your face pretty soon, Tudor Bear.

Dan Rodandan:

Yep, turns out I'm here.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, well, this is Harrison Ford telling you that you're never gonna see that girl alive again.

Dan Rodandan:

Is she already dead?

Dave Braithwait:

I was gonna tell you that she was already dead. She is. But you already seem to know. I guess you got that package I sent.

Dan Rodandan:

We did get the package of Girl Scout cookies with hands inside.

Dave Braithwait:

Those were her hands.

Dan Rodandan:

Those were her hands. You monster! You monster, Harrison Ford!

Dave Braithwait:

That's not what she called me.

Dan Rodandan:

What'd she call you?

Dave Braithwait:

Well, I thought you were a detective, Tudor Bear. Because then you would...

Dan Rodandan:

I'm a detective, but I'm not a psychic. What did she call you?

Dave Braithwait:

Tudor Bear, I'm her brother.

Dan Rodandan:

You're her father?

Dave Braithwait:

Tudor Bear, I thought you said you could listen.

Dan Rodandan:

Did you say you could listen? I don't think...

Dave Braithwait:

Probably earlier in the episode I did. That's what you said when you first came here. The first time I saw you in the episode, I said I could listen. You said if I had anything I wanted to tell you, that you could listen.

Dan Rodandan:

You said... so you remember saying that. I gave you my card and I said if you have anything to say, I will listen to you. I'm a detective and you seem to be somehow associated with this crime. However, you are not yet a suspect.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah. But I wasn't, and now I am.

Dan Rodandan:

You are, yeah. That's the twist.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, and I did it.

Dan Rodandan:

You killed her.

Dave Braithwait:

So I guess we have to have a gunfight now, right?

Dan Rodandan:

Did you bring a gun? Let me reach back here and get my gun.

Dave Braithwait:

All right, I have my gun too.

Dan Rodandan:

On the count of three. One, two, three. Bang!

Dave Braithwait:

Oh, no!

Dan Rodandan:

I'm a policeman, I win.

Dave Braithwait:

Bang, bang.

Dan Rodandan:

All right, great job. I think you have what it takes. And now that we're in the proper headspace here, I think you and I, as a team, are ready to take some calls. Let's take some calls. We're going to hear what the people ask us. We're going to answer the questions now. Thank you, calls.

And again, to call in, that number is 917-214-8DAN. 917-214-8DAN. Dan, of course, is 326. We decided to go with a 917 number because if you're in Los Angeles and you have a New York area code, people tend to think you're pretty important.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

917-214-8DAN. Dan being my first name. So let's go ahead and hit that first call. Let's hear that.

(Voicemail beep)

Caller:

You think this is funny? You think I don't know what you did? You think I didn't see you anymore? I'm going to find you, Rodandan. I'm going to find you. I'm going to break my way in there, and you're going to be in trouble, man. I'm going to end you. I don't care how good you act. I'm going to kick you down. Call me.

Dave Braithwait:

That was good. That was good. I wish I would have... I wish I would have did that when I was doing the bad guy.

Dan Rodandan:

Well, the thing is, I think that's a real criminal.

Dave Braithwait:

Oh.

Dan Rodandan:

I think what you saw there was some... not necessarily method acting as much as legitimate threatening, but I'm going to go ahead and take the... I'm going to try to take the Silver Linings Playbook, which I saw recently. Very, very well done.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Thank you, Robert De Niro and Bradley Cooper.

Dave Braithwait:

I'm gonna get you, Brodandon. I'm gonna get you.

Dan Rodandan:

Now, are you acting, or are you... what are you doing?

Dave Braithwait:

I'm acting.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, because I was worried you and I were about to get into a hardcore fist fight right now.

Dave Braithwait:

I'm gonna get you, Brodandon. I'm getting my blood up. Brodandon.

Dan Rodandan:

Those are fighting words. Do you have a gun?

Dave Braithwait:

Don't go to sleep, Brodandon. Don't go to sleep tonight. I know where you live. I've been inside your house.

Dan Rodandan:

You're at my house right now.

Dave Braithwait:

I'm inside your house right now. I got a gun.

Dan Rodandan:

I got two guns in here. One's loaded. I don't remember which.

Dave Braithwait:

I'm gonna beat you so silly, Brodandon, you're not gonna remember where that gun is.

Dan Rodandan:

Do you mean that you're gonna beat me until my brain works in a silly way, or you're gonna use a comical method of combat to defeat me?

Dave Braithwait:

Brodandon, I'm gonna knock that smart look right off your face.

Dan Rodandan:

Well, I appreciate the idea of a smart look. I have been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly Melville and Uta Hagen. Let's go ahead and hear the next call.

(Voicemail beep)

Caller:

Hey, Dan. Listen, I took a job as a stuntman, and I had never done it before. Well, right now we're actually filming, and I'm speeding towards the other car. We're supposed to just crash right headlong into each other, and I'm just now realizing I have no idea how to do this safely. Do you have any really quick tips? Quicker the better, please.

Dave Braithwait:

Probably hit the brakes, isn't it?

Dan Rodandan:

Probably hit the brakes and talk to the assistant director. Say I'm sorry, I'm not qualified, I didn't mean to waste your time, but I'm trying really hard not to commit suicide on this film shoot. I feel like that would put your completion bond in jeopardy.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah.

Dan Rodandan:

Have you done much driving?

Dave Braithwait:

I mean I passed my, I got my learner's permit and then I passed the test the first time, so I mean I can—

Dan Rodandan:

You can parallel park?

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah, well yeah, I mean I had to do that, and they were, I mean...

Dan Rodandan:

Had any accidents?

Dave Braithwait:

No, I mean, so like when my dad was showing me how to drive, like five Christmases ago, I mean, I didn't, it was, yeah, I put a dent in the car, you know, but so my dad tried really hard not to get mad, and then he went back to, we didn't see him on New Year's, he had to go back to work that year.

Dan Rodandan:

So if you can pull anything out of that in your stunt driving, I think that's sound advice. Try not to dent the car. Don't disappoint your father. And if he has to work, try to be understanding about that. Whether it's now or five Christmases ago or however many Christmases or Hanukkahs, Kwanzaas, Ramadans, whatever it is you celebrate. Go ahead and let's do one more.

(Voicemail beep)

Neighbor:

Dan, this is your goddamn neighbor, all right? I'm sick and tired of being woken up to that goddamn Tarzan Boy fucking song every goddamn morning, okay? I spoke to you about this once before. I spoke to you about it twice, okay? I've had about enough of it, okay? I never liked that song when it first came out, and I never liked you, and I still don't like the song, and I still don't like you, all right? So please, enough of the fucking song.

Um, I also, I have an audition coming up, and, uh, I lost the sides that they gave me. Um, if I tell them I lost it, do I, do I lose the part probably? All right, thanks Dan. Stop playing the fucking song.

Dan Rodandan:

Okay, first of all, I'm going to say that Tarzan Boy by Baltimora is the very best wake-up song in history. If you have to wake up in the morning and you want some motivation, can you beat that? I don't think you can. I'm sorry that you had to wake up in the morning, but what I'm giving you is basically a free cup of coffee. Every day with that Tarzan Boy song, I sing along. We sing it together. It makes me very upset that you claim not to like it when sometimes I hear you whistling that song at the bus stop when I'm on my way to Barnes & Noble. I think it's in your head, I think you like it.

But more importantly about the sides, you lost the sides. Just call them back or email them and say hey, you know, my dog, my dog ate the, you know, there was a potato and I ran away, so just let them know that, have them email them to you, say hey I need them again. And honestly, if you audition the way young Dave did here when he was talking about the blood and the bugs, I mean, the man is... you can blow somebody away. Honestly, you could take a dump on their table, and if you give a good audition, ask Henry Rollins. I mean, you can get that part.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah. Can I add, Dan, that I'm going to... so I know where that guy lives now, and I'm going to get him. And I'm going to get him, and I'm going to get his neighbor two doors over, and I don't care, and they're never going to find the weapon, but it's not going to matter to him because he's going to be gone.

Dan Rodandan:

Hold on. Is that him?

Dave Braithwait:

It's him.

Dan Rodandan:

Hold on.

Tell him what you just told me.

Dave Braithwait:

Yeah. I'm going to get you and I'm going to get your neighbor two doors over, and you did that, man. You did that. You talk to Dan Rodandan like that again, I'm going to get you. I know where you live. I've been in your building. They're never gonna find me. Don't worry about it.

Dan Rodandan:

This guy's good. This man is a stone cold killer and I'm very happy that he's on my side.