Extra Tips

Extra, extra, read all about it. I'm Dan Rodandan and I'm an extra. I've actually been working. Trabajo, as they say around here and further south. I've been working as an extra. I've been making extra money. Take that, Giovanni and your mother and her cooking.

I have been on sets, in the background, in the foreground, out of focus, in focus, focusing on my craft, on my talent, on my future. I've been in crowd scenes. I've been in small crowd scenes. I almost got a line. I was like third in line to get a line. It was going to be something to the effect of, oh, would you look at that? Oh, no. Danger.

But more importantly, I met a friend. A compatriot. We both worked on a film recently. I don't want to say no-budget film. I want to say indie. We worked on an indie. I don't know his real name. He hasn't shown me his driver's license. But... and I won't.

I would like to introduce my first guest. I don't know why I said first. I mean my only guest. The only person in my apartment right now besides me and the cat hair and the Doritos is my friend Ballrog Mofesto. Not his real name, just a stage name, Ballrog Mofesto.

To be fair, it seems weird that the thing that everybody knows about you is that your name is fake. It seems like you talk about how fake your name is more than anything else. Is that fair to say?

I thought it was Lew Alcindor.

No, I thought Mark Twain's name was Lew Alcindor.

Why not? Let's talk about the work that we did together on The Revengers. Yes, please.

Indeed.

Do go on.

Sure. Yeah, I carry sunscreen. I carry sunscreen. I carry a trail mix. I carry a chair.

Yeah, I don't know why you took your shirt off. They didn't ask you to. But I'm glad you did, because I took mine off soon after, and we were the only guys in that crowd scene, that restaurant scene with no shirts on.

I think we said that together and then we high-fived.

No shirts, no shoes, no problem.

What are you reading these days? What do you like to read?

What trades do you read? You read a variety?

Honestly I've been very into The Hunger Games lately, so I've not been reading much else. I was very, very not much of a professional. I mean honestly I was crushed when Finnick Odair died. Spoiler alert!

Either way, we're extras. Yes we do extra work. You read about it, I live it. I remember one time, and, uh, I was watching A&E, some sort of biography of somebody, and, uh, they were talking about Harrison Ford. And Harrison Ford was a, he was a bellhop, or he was not a bellhop, but he was watching a bellhop, and, uh, there was a bellhop, and, uh, the director turned to Harrison Ford and he said, you see that guy, that guy's gonna be a movie star. You know what Harrison Ford said to him? Right now in the scene, he's supposed to be a fucking bellhop, not a movie star. And I feel like you and I understand that.

Oh, okay. But as non-acting extras, that's where I believe that you taught me more than anything ever.

And it is, unless you're proactive. And I am proactive. I, uh, I will bring my own chair. I will, I will bring a Kind bar if they will not allow me access to the craft service table. And if they will not allow me access to the craft service table, I will... and this is a trick that I learned from... I think I told you about this before. Mark Wahlberg and M. Night Shyamalan do what the bees do.

The bees go where the calories are. Because if you think about math, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. There is no way you or I should be able to soar. But if you go around with the sugar and the protein is, a la garbage can or the back of the food truck.

Now, let me ask you a question that I think is on everyone's mind right now. Did you actually eat the shawarma on set, on the scene?

So you just chewed the shawarma? You spit the shawarma out?

How many takes did you take with the shawarma? You were there. It was, what, 60? 60? 75 takes? 60, 75 takes? I mean, it was David Fincher's brother-in-law, right? Because I'm going to tell you, I ate the shawarma every time.

I didn't eat much else that week. It was a lean week. Especially these days. And this is something that hits close to home. Wear your DEET. You know what DEET is?

Yeah, it's sort of bug spray. It's a toxic chemical, but it also keeps the mosquitoes away. And why do we want the mosquitoes to go away? Yellow fever, West Nile virus. These are two very serious things. The West Nile virus also makes me think of the Eastside Riders. They don't ride horses like the Gangnam Styles or the cowboys, the old days. Young Asian men on motorcycles. Very fast, loud. Christ, how loud. I think they threw some Taco Bell taco or Jack in the Box tacos at me.

I'm going to knock over their motorcycles.

Yeah. I'll take them on. I'll punch them all in the face.

Let's see. Let's take some phone calls. That's my music. Don't you know it? We take calls. People call me. They make calls. And I answer them questions. That's how I pronounce questions. And the syllable all said, oh. Sing along.

All right, that's enough of the fucking music. First caller, what do you have to say?

Well, first of all, I want to say that it's unnecessary that you call back soon. I feel like you reiterated your point several times. You are an attractive man. Good for you. You're worried that being an attractive man will hurt you somehow in Hollywood. That's like saying, oh, I'm a short Asian person. Do you think it will hurt me to be a gymnast? Probably not. I mean, if you're attractive, that's a good thing. The only way it will hurt you eventually is if, I don't know, you get in a motorcycle wreck or you get old. Because we all get old. I mean, death creeps up on all of us and you never know when it's going to come.

I am. Every night.

The point is, I have a few names for you, a few names that I'd like to say. Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt made a movie. Whatever. Thelma & Louise. He walked around with his stomach and his hair dryer or whatever else was going on in that film. And then he made Seven Years in Tibet. Yeah. That's right. Credibility. Thank you. There's also Naomi Watts, who, you know, will show her memories.

It's supposed to be a family show, you fucking idiot.

Really? You want to get me worked up? You just started talking about Asian men again? Seriously? You want to get me working on the Eastside gang again? Eastside gang? Bring it on! That's the last time that you threw a Taco Bell or Jack in the Box taco in my face. I will bring you all on, motherfuckers. I will knock over all of your stupid rice rockets. And I will stab all of you in the face. Don't even fuck with me. Let's take another call.

That's the first part of the question. That's a question I'm prepared to answer. Second part of the question is on how to kill a lion. Now what I'm not quite so prepared for, I mean I've been to the zoo, I've seen The Lion King 3D, IMAX, which in and of itself is pretty frightening, but how do I act on how to kill a lion. I would say brave. You act brave. You act strong. Do what your body wants to. I mean, if you're engaged in combat with a lion, do what feels right. Try to choke him. Try to poke his eyes. Try to stab him with whatever you got. How do I act on how to kill a lion? I don't know. Poison a gazelle and leave him around. Poison a goat. I have a goat corpse full of poison. A lion will eat that. The lion will get sick. You walk up. You stab it with your toothbrush or whatever else you have. Act like it's the Filipino gang that murdered your entire family and you were exacting revenge upon him.

Nothing. Next. Next call.

If you want me to call you, please leave your number. I didn't write it down yesterday. I pretended to. But I really just drew a picture of a penis on my own business card. I thought it was pretty cool. Anyway, when we made love the other night, that was fun. I mean, we had fun. You're, I guess, interesting or whatever. And how do you fake a fake orgasm to answer your question? I would say do what I do. Make an ugly face, make dumb noises, and then say, oh, yay. That's the best. Let's have another call.

Honestly, I don't remember you saying Danny Boy when I was making love to you from a trunk-style position, or as the hip-hop guys say, as usual. I just remember I went to your apartment. You had a really bad DVD collection. I remember pulling your hair because I was mad at you because you wouldn't shut up. I remember you crying for a good long time, before and afterwards. I remember you not having any food in your refrigerator. Those are things I remember. Furthermore, I do not like being called Danny. Danny is not a name that I particularly enjoy hearing. That's my father's name. And as my dad says, don't contact me.

Let's play the music.

Dan Rodandan, Dan, Dan Rodandan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. My name.