Crying On Camera, On Stage, And At Home

Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and the rest of them, social media. Dan Rodandan.

Hello, everybody, boys and girls, friends of mine, and potential contemporaries and collaborators and everybody else out there, people who are on the web, the internet, riding the waves, the pod waves, as I have neglected to say for the past few episodes. I'm hoping to make that a catchphrase of mine, because as we all know, catchphrases are important. If you can catch a phrase, you can catch a fish. And if you teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a day, as the old saying goes. But no, no, if you catch a man a fish, he'll eat. If you teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime. And the Lifetime Movie Network is one that I'd be willing to work for. I can't say no. I wouldn't say no to that. I wouldn't say no to most things.

I will say no to sexism. I will say no to an overwhelming sense of machismo. I will say no to my own bad behavior. I will say sorry. I will say sorry to you, young lady who called in last week. I was way out of line with the things that I said to you. I insulted your DVD collection, which, where I come from, that is a mortal sin. I mean, to be fair, have the second season of Heroes, the second season of Friday Night Lights, and some weird, some strange bootleg Christian cartoons, and like all of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, but regardless, there's probably some gems in there. I mean, I did look at your VHSs. 100 bucks says you have E.T., because everybody had that.

And that, you know, furthermore, I was, uh, I, I'm not proud of this, but I was showing off. The things I said, I was showing off. I did enjoy spending time with you. I enjoyed our time together. I definitely appreciated the ride home. That was something that, uh, a little more than I expected. Uh, I was kind of hoping for breakfast too, but as I mentioned before, you did not have any food in your refrigerator. Um, I didn't check your cupboards. I was a little bit frustrated. There could have been food in there. Maybe we could have had a Pop-Tart together. Maybe we'd butter a Pop-Tart and cook it on the stove. I think that would be romantic.

And, you know, I think the reason I said the things that I said is because I'm scared of commitment. I'm scared of being alone. And the things that you were saying, well, you know, I think I'm in love with you. And, uh, and that, that scares me. That hurts me, because I haven't been in love in a long time. I've been hurt before. Uh, I'm hurting all the time. But, uh, please, please call back. Uh, leave your number. I feel really bad about what I did when you, when you told me your number. I really should have wrote that down. Uh, sometimes when you, somebody buys you a couple drinks and you, you think you're a real tough guy, you think you're on a streak. Turns out it's not a streak, it's just one lucky night. You can't trade up for something better. I'm just thinking out loud right now. And again, give me a call back. You're a beautiful girl, an interesting girl, and maybe I'll teach you about what you should watch with your DVDs. And maybe we can go grocery shopping together. I don't know. Maybe I can help you in some way.

So moving on. Crying on cue. Crying on camera. Crying on the stage. Crying at home. These are all things that, well, not all things I'm an expert in, but some of the things I'm an expert in. Crying on cue. When you cry on cue, there are many ways up the mountain, as Mohammed once said, to his right and his left foot. You, then you. You, was that... anyway. Think of something sad. Think of something sad that happened to you. Think of a sad movie. Think of, uh, Rudy. Remember Rudy when the guy dies, or when the guy plays football. There was a lot of sad parts in Rudy. You could think of Old Yeller when they shot that little dog in the face. You could think of, uh, oh, you could think of Where the Red Fern Grows, where they shot those little dogs in the face. Or you can think about Of Mice and Men, where they shot fat John Malkovich in the face. Or I guess even the end of The Departed, where they shot everybody in the face. Or if you live where I do, you can just look out the window, and odds are you're going to see someone get shot in the face. So, it's always good material.

But the main way that I would like to suggest is called emotional memory. Look back into your past, find something pretty bad, something that you can unpack emotionally, like a trunk. And inside that trunk, instead of socks and underwear and a swimsuit and some suntan lotion, you find bad memories, sad memories, memories about your family. In my case, about my father and my brother, who I have not mentioned.

I was washing my windows, if you can believe it. I know it sounds strange, but I was washing my windows and I just couldn't stop crying. Is that funny? Is that funny to say that I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why and I ripped some of my hair out? You know, isn't that funny? Is that a funny thing to say?

So, uh, if you, if you have, if you have a hard past, I would say good job, you can play sad parts. Um, other things you can do, you can, uh, cut yourself. You can put your hand in your, you know, somewhere off camera and just like take a pen or a knife or some kind of like a cigarette and just really push it into your skin as hard. You have to light the cigarette of course, but you just push it as hard as you can into your skin. You do it until you start crying. Sometimes it takes a second. And as long as there's a doctor on set, I mean, no harm no foul. Uh, even if it's a baseball movie. You know, there's a lot of crying in baseball movies despite what Tom Hanks said in, uh, A League of Their Dreams. I feel like I'm getting off topic here. Let's take some calls.

We're taking phone calls. Hey there, calls. I'll listen to you. Do you have a question for me? I know everything about acting. Dan from Dan Dan! R&B! So that's a new style of singing for me. And I hope you enjoyed it. First call, please.

Todd Raines, my mentor and my tormentor. A lot of interesting stuff in that call. A lot of things to unpack. A lot of, he used the word autobiography. That's interesting. Haven't thought of that. He used the word levels. Different levels. He mentioned the word fate. Duel of the Fates. You'd still like to come? That's great. My door is open to you. I was under the impression initially that it was your car, not your mother's car, but tomato, tomato. Todd Raines. Can't stop the Raines. There was so much in there.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for the business idea of renting my house out as a museum. I think that is a great idea. I'd also like to thank you for the idea of stealing your belongings when you get here. Weird thing to recommend, but I appreciate the scent of it. Furthermore, bison. The all-bison diet. The El Bison diet seems like something that I can sort of pioneer. Maybe it's something that I can promote, something I can build a website for, because I haven't seen a lot of bison around here. So we can corner this market. And when you corner something, you control it. Todd Raines, I'd like you to come and live with me, because I feel like together we can take control. Take control. Take control. Phone calls, take control. All right, let's hear the next call, please. Thank you.

Well, I think that I probably had that coming. That's to be expected. And to answer the question, I do think you were acting. I think you missed me. I think you're going to hear this episode and you're going to call me again. And I think you're going to say, I'm sorry, Dan. You're going to say, I forgive you, Dan. And you're never going to call me Danny again because sort of a deal breaker. But we can consider all of this arguing an icebreaker for our blossoming of a romantic relationship. I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Todd Raines. Might be coming to town soon. We can all go out together, maybe get a baked potato or something. Please call me again. And if that was acting, from one professional to an amateur, I just want to say, well done. Give me a call, give me a kiss. Next call, please.

Sing a few bars for you. Yeah, I think I can sing a few bars for you.

Jungle life, I'm far away from nowhere. On my own, like Tarzan boy. Hide and seek, I play along while I rush across the forest. Monkey business on a sunny afternoon. Burning bright, a fire that blows the signal to the sky. I sit wondering, does the message get to you?

My friends, you are my Christmas tree on top of mountain Jesus Christ, old people, 20 minutes. Joe, it's Joe Brown, just finished up, I hope you're getting hungry. We've got dinner coming up, it's probably something soft. Because a lot of you are, well, you know, Salisbury steak is out of the question. Fight the night. That's enough, that's enough. I think I'm, uh... Anyway, I hope you realize that I did tailor quite a bit of that song to your particular request. And, uh, no, I did not fill 20 minutes here on the podcast. Believe me, I can fill 20 minutes. I can fill 90 minutes, if you want. I mean, if they're willing, we don't even have to watch Judge Joe Brown. I'll just go. I'll just go and I'll go and I'll go. I'll sing all of Baltimora. I'll sing, what else? I'll sing Summer Lovin' from Grease. I'll sing, what are the other hits? I'll sing Bye Bye Miss American Pie. That thing's about 35 minutes long. I'll sing Louie Louie, you know? And I'll take requests too. I don't care. I'll sing the Isley Brothers. I'll sing, I don't know. What are the olds like? Bob Dylan. Jakob Dylan. I'll sing it. The Gin Blossoms. So please call me back.

Dan Rodandan, then, hey, I'm your boss. Get back to work or you're fired. I'm just kidding.