Improv Hotline

Do-do-do-ga-goop-a-doo. Do-do-bo-bo. Squim-squim-boo-goo-Dan-Ro-dan-den. That was me doing a little bit of a Jack Black, sort of a bebop and scat style thing. Sort of a Anthony Kiedis, maybe, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He's Native American, as you can tell by his tattoos. Which is something I'm proud to be. Not necessarily Native American, but born in America and raised for the most part.

But my father who was a conductor, not of symphonies, but of trains, as I like to bring up at most auditions I go to, because it's just a fun fact. Oh, he's a train guy. A train guy who would pass out, and his dad and his friends, his dad, all of his dad's friends would laugh at him. They'd lie there and just sort of squirm because the train dust hurt his nose and his eyes. Uh, anyway, that, that's not what I decided to talk about today.

Uh, what I wanted to talk about is how angry I am at the people at Wells Fargo because they, uh, they did an overdraft charge, uh, for me when my phone bill came through. So I don't know if I actually got any phone calls or not because I don't have access to my telephone. I've been trying to read my emails on my iPod touch. It says, hey, maybe you, maybe you got a phone call. Maybe you didn't listen to it. Oh, you can't, because Wells Fargo thought that you spent too much money because the vending machine says it was $5 just because the most expensive thing is $5. But the thing you wanted was $1.95, but now it's actually $35. Wells Fargo. Anyway, I don't know. Can't access any phone calls. Don't know if I got any. That might be presumptuous in and of itself to assume that there are people out there listening to me or wanting to talk to me.

And on that note I'd really appreciate it if even one more person out there would rate my podcast or write a review, or pod, uh, the other, actually, don't worry about the other ones, I guess. Those, I don't even, I don't even know how to find it on other ones, so, it's a nice thought, but if I do get the phone up and running, my number, of course, is 917-214-8DAN, as in my name, Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act.

I'm getting a lot of criticism lately that I haven't been talking enough about acting. Life or my romances or my feud with children who wear and throw, well, you know, let's call a piss balloon a piss balloon. Throw those.

So I had a guest. I had a guest that was going to come in, a very talented young man, a tap dancer. Was going to come in and he was going to tap dance and I was going to use that as the foundation for either a freestyle rap or some more Anthony Kiedis beatboxing. But he sprained his ankle. He was filming a promo video for a low-budget Italian restaurant and he jumped off the roof, sprained his ankle pretty bad. So either he could come in here and tap dance... foot, which, I mean, first of all, doesn't really work that well for audio with two feet, but a one foot would be more or less a tragedy.

So I have a plan C. Improv. So there's a hotline where you can call and you can blow off steam, which I need to do. You get yourself in a phone call with another improviser and you two can create a scene and it's just a great way to network. All right, let's go ahead and let's call the line.

Okay, so I'm calling from a burner right now, one of those $5 cell phones from the store, and I think I've got about nine minutes on it. Possibly. Is there somebody I'm talking to, or am I just talking to myself?

Hello.

Yes, and?

Well, this is my first time on the hotline, too.

Yes, and. Do we need, should we start with like a suggestion or something? I'm kind of new at this.

Okay, okay. A beach.

I'm choking on a donut.

Hey, sir, no food on the beach, please.

Sorry, sir, we're looking out for the health of the birds. Looking out for the... to the beach.

Oh, are you?

Okay, I'm going to grab my ten donuts right now. Oh, oh, oh, help me, I'm choking, I'm dying, I'm dead.

Okay.

Garbage man.

Okay, so the prison garbage man is taking a shower. He's at home. He's at his house. He's taking a shower. His wife comes in and says, how was work today at the prison, darling?

Oh, boy. Did you have to do laundry, too, or just the garbage?

I'll rub it in. Why don't you bring that meaty meat over here, Dr. Garbage? It's the Dr. Garbage.

You spent $35 on a Twix bar?

How can somebody be a Christian if they do improv? It's not possible. Wade Brady, I guess? No.

No, just kidding. I'll tell you. Oh man, that was good.

Yeah, I understand.

Okay, start it up then. Give me another one. Give me another one. Give me another one.

Yep.

We did the beach once.

Yep.

Okay. Black sanded beach.

Perfect. All right. So out here, I'm just trying to catch these fish. I got my pole. Oh, I read the sand on this beach is so dark. Getting in my toenails and making my toenails look dirty.

Feels like I just hooked a fish. I'm going to reel it in. Hold the fish up.

Oh my god, I'm so hungry. This fish looks great. I'll choke him. Die, you son of a bitch. I hate this fucking fish poacher.

Yeah. Occupation. Um, uh, uh, um. All right. Sandcastle maker.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Eat this sand! Eat this sand!

Hello? Okay. Okay, so that's just another example of the different kinds of things that you need to do as an actor to help train yourself. I mean, every time you improv with somebody, it's like a boxing match or a push-up. You're doing push-ups for your acting. You're building your acting muscles. You've got to build them up, make them tough and strong. And, you know, sometimes it's good to have a partner. You don't always need a partner. Sometimes you can just sit and look in a mirror for hours saying, kill yourself. And that helps. That helps with a lot of things, actually, psychologically speaking. And acting! Teaching actors how to act. That's what I do. That's what this was for.

Well, I think we did some great stuff there. I think we did some bad stuff there. I think we did stuff that we could be proud of, things that we could hang our hat on. Pretty much, I think all that beach stuff worked. I feel like maybe it's time for Dan Rodandan to go to the beach. Trying to put a fish in my mouth. We'll see.

Dead road, dead, dead, welcome to the ending. That was the show. Please write and review. Or stars.