Summer Lovin'

Oh! Dead, dead, dead, dead! That's water going down the wrong pipe! Thank you!

Let me catch my breath here. I suppose that's what waterboarding's like, in a way. You want to say something, but the NSA, they just keep pouring water down your throat. You're trying to say, oh, Osama Bin Laden's over here, but they're saying, drink up, drink up, you dumb fish.

So I'm not sure that's exactly how it goes, but it would certainly work on me. I don't think I could stand up to a lot of torture, not physical torture anyway. I mean, people can say awful things to me. They usually do. I can survive that. You know, sticks and stones and the bones and all the other, the way that's that expression.

I don't know why I started talking about torture and the NSA right off the bat, especially when things were going so well for me. I don't know if you've heard that last episode, but Todd Berger offered me a part in his film where I get to play a loser. So I've been trying to walk around with my pants off as much as possible.

Uh, I've been getting a little bit of pushback from my neighbors and from authority figures in, in my area, in my, even in my building. So I've decided to only take my pants off inside the house. So that's what I've done. Right now I'm sitting here in my underwear on my stack of magazines, and I tell you, the hot one is a hot one today. Very sticky, humid weather. I sort of feel like Silly Putty almost. You know, when I get up from my stack of magazines, I get headlines on my thighs. Looking in the mirror, it said, 10 ways to please your... And then it sort of cut off. It just turned into my knee. So, 10 ways to please your knee, I guess.

Anyway, I have a guest with me. I'm not here alone. I'm not sitting nude in my apartment by myself. I'm here with a guest. He's a gentleman that I met a few hours ago at the community college. I was getting a free flu shot, as was he. We were standing in line next to each other. I was humming to myself. He was humming to his self. I listened to him humming, and I couldn't help but notice that he was sort of humming along with me. We were sort of humming along with each other. It was a nice moment. Yeah, there was a link. There was like a psychic link between us. It was like The Sixth Sense or The Fifth Element or other Bruce Willis movies.

But we went to the community college, the local community college. Are you a student there?

In what manner? Are we speaking?

So you've taken classes there? I've taken classes there, too. I've taught classes there, in the cafeteria, in the quad sometimes. I've never seen you there.

Yeah, that's the problem. It's been some time, hasn't it?

Yeah, I haven't completed my classes there. What classes did you fail there?

No, it's not the same thing.

You know, that's a great way to look at it. I think that's a good way to look at my life. You know, my life is not over yet. So you can't call me a failure because it's not done. That's a beautiful way of looking at it. I haven't died yet is the point.

And so you're interested in show business. You're interested in acting, in doing voiceover work. You know that I'm an acting teacher. I've explained to you multiple times why I'm not wearing pants. And at this point we seem to be okay with it.

Why not?

Wait, did you, are you also in the running for this role?

Nothing, never mind. And so you want to learn to sing today, is that right? You want to learn music, musical theater?

What all would you like to get accomplished here today? Would you like me to give you some instruction on how to be a performer, voice work?

That's right. I tend to approach it from behind.

Sure.

Have you seen the movie Brazil?

It's a Terry Gilliam movie. It's starring Robert De Niro in one of the parts.

He calls himself in that film the ghost in the machine. That's me on the internet. You can't find me. I'm there. Oh, I'm everywhere. I have a lot of fake profiles on all the different media sites.

And, uh, and that, I mean, that's, that's, that's why I don't, I think that I'm probably not as popular as I should be, because most of the work I do, most of the things I get recognition for, incognito. At least I tell myself those things. And, uh, well, it's a shame. It's a damn shame.

Good. Let's, let's, let's put that shame, let's put that shame away. A wham, a wham, a wham. I have a big dog. These are just some examples of vocal exercises that you can do.

Now, tell me what you're familiar with. What are the things that you've done to warm up the voice, to get the blood flowing?

Let's hear an arpeggio.

Say that again. What is that again?

It is it. That's what? That's another language?

A female deer, right?

That's exactly it.

My name is Dan. Yes, we all know how music works.

Right, and all the different vowels.

I'm sorry.

Hey!

So that's one that I learned from Peter Pan. It's the Native Americans in Peter Pan, a very racist depiction, I think, by Disney. That's a hey, how are you, among other things, that they decided that it was okay because we won the war with smallpox.

Oh, no, it's definitely accurate. We definitely killed Indians with smallpox. That's a thing this country did. So, all right. So let's have some of the first things to do. We've got to warm up the voice. You ready to warm up the voice?

Give us a good cough. Really loosen up that phlegm. Get it out there. Get that good phlegm out there.

All right. It's a good warm up. It's a good warm up.

Yeah, you betcha. You know what they say, there's no progress without pain.

One of the fundamentals of this business is you got to feel the pain. You got to feel the bird. I said bird, not bird. Do you understand?

No, there's a sun bird and a Larry Bird. Two different kinds of things. So I just want to make sure that you know that you're not feeling the bird. You're feeling the bird. You understand?

All right. So now I would like to, as another part of your training, grasshopper, that reference will be, that'll make sense in a moment, we're going to be doing the ancient Asian art, oriental art of karaoke.

Karaoke. It's where you sing a song. You sing a popular song without the words. Usually it's a song and other people sing it, but this time you get to sing it. And it's Asian. It's the ancient art of karaoke.

No, you sing American songs. So there's one song in particular that you cannot have an evening of karaoke without.

It's called Summer Loving. Or Summer Nights. It's the best song ever. It's called Summer Nights. Summer Loving.

Go ahead, get started. You're singing both parts.

All right, stop. Just stop the whole thing for a second.

Now I, some people have great instincts, you know, and some people need to be coached, and I, I can't tell what you are yet because that was somewhere in the middle. Uh, what I would like is probably the first one. Just okay, forget about it. That was pretty good. I want you to make this as Italian American as possible. I want you to taste the grease.

Oh I started too early.

I like the way you said coil.

Hold on, stop. Cut the music. Cut the music again.

You gotta remember, this is theater. So you gotta project to the middle of that room, okay? Right now you're giving me, what you're giving me is good, okay, but it's a small portion, you know? Right now you're giving me a glass of milk. I want meat and potatoes. You understand?

I want to be able to taste the jazz hands and the grease. And right now you're playing her. It's obvious you're playing her like she's, you know, maybe like a 13-year-old African-American girl. This time I want you to really give me that sort of a, I want an older, sort of an older Chinese woman.

All right. And remember you are. And he's still Italian. He's Italian.

All right, that's just very, that's too racist at that point. That's, I mean, you're making a caricature of what it is to be an elderly Asian woman. What I meant by that is what I'm...

Listen, the important thing is I want to be able, I want you to, I want to feel the, you know, the matronly respect. I want to feel, this is somebody that I need to be afraid of, but love. Somebody I know I could come to when I have my first period. But also somebody who will stand up for me in the street and will not let me get away with only playing my piano for two hours. You understand?

Let's take it from the top.

Pump it out.

Pump it, boost it. All right, all right. Let's take it back to the beginning. Let's take it back to the beginning. This time I want you to do it. I really want you to get in there. And I want you to make those noises, you know, Michael Jackson, that he makes those noises, those he he's, and those oohs, and those oh yeahs, and those noises. It's like he has so much talent it's trying to explode out of his body. He doesn't know what to do with it. So I want you to give me that. I want you to give me Vesuvius, Michael Jackson, Italian, old Oriental.

Here we go.

Yes.

Put that Cherokee flavor on there.

All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. That was perfect.

Yeah, I think that what we just did there, that exercise, guys, I think you learned a lot. I feel like you took it to the next level. And now it's time to make another leap.

A leap to a third level.

All right, so we're going to start it. I'm going to sing it.

You're going to watch me.

And that's...

Summer lovin' had me a blast. Boom! Summer lovin' it happened so fast. Sue, sue, sue. Met a girl crazy for me. In an asylum we met. I met a boy as cute as can be. He had a rabbit's ears. Summer days drifted away. Tokyo Drift. Summer nights. Well oh well oh. Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far. Tell me more, tell me more, yes we fucked in my car. But oh, did you, got me boot squeedy up and out.

Anyway, uh, we've got one more song to sing, and that's the closing song.

Dammit is my question. What's the question? What's your question?

We are going to make you a better singer by lunch. By lunchtime.

15 minutes. That's when lunch is. I hope you brought some food or we're sharing a can of soup.