The Perfect Oscar Speech

Sigh. Zem, Redan, that's enough, enough, enough. Hey everybody, it's, hey everybody. This is Dan Rodandan, acting coach Dan Rodandan, teaching actors how to act. I do not have a phone number anymore, thank you. So do not call that number, or if you do, don't. Well, you can't, so don't. I don't even know why I bring it up, because nobody was calling anyway. 917-214-8DAN. It's just a reflex at this point.

I do have an email, though, because those are free. The email is Dan at teachingactorshowtoact.com. Dan, D-A-N, teachingactorshowtoact.com. I am Dan Rodandan. If this is the first time you're listening, I am sorry.

If this is your first time listening, the last time I was on the air, air, last time I was on the do-it-yourself internet, a young girl was in my home, and she told me she was with MTV. Her name was Rebecca BMW. And she said, you've been ratfished, which I thought was a show. Because it sounds like it makes sense. Turns out she was a con lady. How do you say it? Not be sexist anymore. Anyway, she was a liar.

I thought that I was going to be on television, so I signed a release form. And in doing so, somehow I signed away all the rights to my identity? So now, I guess she is and owns Dan Rodandan. Or she did, briefly, until she learned a little bit more about it. And then, she gave the identity back. Stole my identity. And then gave it back. Not even worth stealing.

Turns out, everybody, it looks like my podcast has the magic touch. Because everybody who came on here and was miserable talking about their careers is doing great. They all seem to be doing terrific. That young man who made Our Kiki, he's been doing a lot of work lately. Leigh Foster, I think you remember him. He was the guy who shit in a bucket at his own house because he was sad about Cheerios. Apparently, he's on every bus in Chicago now. Even Rebecca BMW has a sex tape. That's really climbing the charts.

What happened, Dan? What's going on with your career? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what that word means anymore. But, on the bright side, it's Oscar season! Oh! It's the Oscars! Oscar! Oscar!

Oscar the show! Oscar the show. All right, that's enough of that. Remember Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street? I remember when I was young, I watched Sesame Street, and then they started doing a one day of Sesame Street in Spanish. I wish I would have paid a little bit more attention to that. I might be able to get by a little better in my neighborhood. And, uh, uh... another squandered opportunity from... from Dan Rodandan. It's another tip for you. Health tip. Uh, acting tip. Learn Spanish. Because they're taking over.

But enough of my bellyaching! Oh, my belly! Well, my problems! It's Oscar season, as I said before. And, uh, wouldn't you know it, I found myself in a bit of a jackpot here. Uh, I was downstairs in my building, uh, in the laundry room. You know, fishing through the coin return, trying to find any, any... coins of any denomination. Built that nest egg. And, uh, wouldn't you know it, I overheard two gentlemen talking to each other. Talking about movies. Talking about Oscar! Talking about the Academy Awards!

Before I knew it, I had inserted myself into their conversation. And, uh, it got a bit heated. And, uh, now I'm in an Oscar pool. I, I told these two gentlemen that I would bet... four hundred dollars. That I would be able to guess best picture. And they said, motherfucker, no, you can't. Also get out of here, or I will kill you. And I said, four hundred simoleons. Smackeroos. And all you gotta do... is give me nine hundred back when I'm right. And they said, fine. And I said, good. This is my address. And, uh, they said, yeah. And I said, yeah.

So I invited them into my home. And I showed them around. And they were very interested in looking around. So that was fun. It was nice to have guests. And, uh, uh, uh, uh. I told them I would have my answer by today. And I thought it might be fun to do that with you. Because, uh, unfortunately, as you know, I've been in a bit of a financial pickle lately. So I haven't seen any of the films. So, I figured I'd watch a couple of trailers. And, uh, we'd decide together. Dora the Explorer style. Where I ask questions to nobody. Pretend you're answering.

All right. What are the nominees for best picture? Uh. Ugh. Pardon me. Uh. I don't know why. But I'm reminded of a scene from Blazing Saddles. Have you seen that film? Good. It's by Dora. So there's a scene in Blazing Saddles where the sheriff meets a prisoner. And he hands him a bottle of alcohol. He drinks a whole bottle of alcohol. He looks at him and he says, oh, a man drank like that. And he don't eat. This man is going to die. And the man who just drank all that alcohol says, when? I don't know if that relates to anything. But I'm just thinking about that right now. Anyway.

Best picture. We have American Hustle. Captain Phillips. Dallas Buyers Club. Uh. Gravity. Her. Nebraska. Philomena. Philomena. 12 Years a Slave. And The Wolf. Of Wal. Walgreens? Wall Street. The Wolf of Walgreens. The Wolf of Wall Street. Why do I keep saying Walgreens? Anyway. Okay.

First trailer. Philomena. What is that? That's a fun word. Nice. P-H at the beginning.

I can relate to that. Anthony. Anthony. Was it Judi Dench? Who is it? BBC.

That's a fun expression. Well no I used to. All right enough of that. I uh. That's not going to win. I have no idea what's going on. It's British. And I only saw three actors in it. So. Next. Nebraska. Good. An American city. Nebraska. Black and white. Black and white. An old man sitting on a couch. Oh. Will. It's that comedy guy. It's MacGruber. I'm running out of time. But Gruber and an old man. This is his wife. It's going to be a laugh riot.

Oh my god. I'm so bored. This. Uh. Nebraska. Nebraska wins. I am putting all the money on Nebraska. And let me tell you why. I know it may be an unconventional choice. But. It's the winner. Because of the fact of it. Think about this. It's not going to be Philomena. Philomena's British. They have their own awards. The Batman Awards or whatever. And. It's not going to be American Hustle. Because American Hustle is a little too on the nose. With the name America in it. And we all know that. All those lefties. They're not. They're not that patriotic as far as America goes. However. They do. Want to pander to the heartland. That's the expression. Right? Well. Will it play in Kansas? It probably will if you name it Nebraska. And. It's black and white. Those movies win awards all the time.

Anybody remember a little movie called The Artist? Black and white. That won. Anybody remember a little movie called Schindler's List? That was black and white. Anybody remember. It Happened One Night. Back in 1934. That was black and white. Citizen Kane. Thank you. Best movie of all time. So they say. Black and white. So I think that speaks for itself. What do all these films have in common? Two things. Black. And white. Think about it.

The other movies. I don't know. Something that they leave a bad taste in my mouth. Gravity. Sandra Bullock. Didn't you already have your time? Didn't you Blind Side it or whatever? 12 Years a Slave. That seems like a downer. That seems like a downer picture. Who made that? Tyler Perry? Enough of you. Tom Hanks. Same deal. Enough of you. We had you. And everybody's. I think there's been a lot of. A lot of minds have changed. About how good Forrest Gump was. Because it wasn't. Watch it again.

Oh I know. You're sitting at home right now. Oh my god. Forrest Gump is my favorite movie. I love Forrest Gump. Watch it again. And then tell me what you think. You gonna listen to some asshole. Talk about shrimp for an hour.

Now before we end today's episode. I want to make sure. That all of you. Academy Award. Nominated actors. Listening in. Get. The inside information. You need. To give. The perfect. Oscar speech. This is the way you want to do it. This is what you want to make sure. Is in there. And you want to get in. And get out. And be very memorable.

So. First thing you do. Walk up to the stage. Say I don't have a speech prepared. Ha ha ha. That's very funny. Everybody laughs. You say you like me. You really like me. You know. Some people think about Sally Field. Oh that's funny. It's a classic Oscar moment. You say. Oh I'm sorry. I didn't bring my Indian. Marlon Brando. That's another classic Oscar moment. And then you can talk about the war. Or whichever war. Or something political. So it's you know. Controversial. And say. Oh what am I. Michael Moore. Ricky Gervais. Or. Ha ha ha ha. More fun. Then after that. Say. But seriously folks. And. Thank. Your management team. And your wife. And your kids. And oh. Talk to your kids. If. Hey. It's time for you to go to bed. That's what you. Everybody says that. So you should say that. Because it makes you. Makes you feel. Seem like a good parent. And that you're down to earth. And that you're humble. And make a joke about somebody's hair. Say. Buy my t-shirt. Plug your website. And your twitter. And then when the music starts playing. Just talk a lot louder. And refuse to get off the stage. So that they have to cut away. Because then it makes them look really bad. And you look like you know what you're doing.

And the most important tip. Of course. Is don't forget to. Thank. Your acting coach. Acting coach Dan Rodandan. And you can also email him at. Dan at teachingactorshowtoact.com. And then when you get backstage. You know. Just sort of hang out with Samuel Jackson. Or whoever else is there. And find out where the orgies are. I hear the Vanity Fair orgy is really good.

There they are. Oh they. They passed by. I guess the murder happened up the block. This time. I didn't hear any gunshots. So that means one thing. It's a stabbing.

This is an amazing time of year. This is a time where actors. Get the attention they deserve. Finally. And because of the Oscars. The next time that you see me. Or hear my voice. The voice of Dan Rodandan. I will be hundreds of dollars. Richer. Thanks. To my friends who made Nebraska. Thanks to MacGruber. Thanks to the old guy. Thanks to the black and white camera. Dan Rodandan. Has no back up plan. If I don't win. I don't want to think about it.