Dear Lorne Michaels

Let's go to Mexico and visit the ruins. What does that mean? My life is ruined. I'm just kidding out there, folks. Kind of. To steal a phrase from Jimmy Pardo, who stole it from Conan O'Brien. I just wanted to say I'm kidding kind of. And I'm kind of kidding around. But anyway, the last time that we talked, I was talking about how much I enjoyed the show The Biggest Loser.

I worked at a Nuts 4 Nuts cart. I ate a lot of nuts. I passed out in the snow, which is the best place to pass out if you want nobody to find you. And I woke up, what they tell me is weeks later, in Bellevue Hospital. They said, hey, you don't really belong here. You're fine. You just ate a bunch of nuts and fell asleep in the snow. So you could go home if you want to, Obamacare. And I said, well, I don't have a home, but I will go away. And I did.

So I left that place. And I am now talking to you over the pod waves. When I say I'm talking to you, who am I talking to? I'm talking to Lorne Michaels. Ever heard of him? No big deal. Just kidding. He's a big deal. He's the guy that produced Kids in the Hall. Thank you.

But more locally, he's been doing a little sketch comedy show called the Saturday Night Lives. And Saturday Night Lives is one of my favorite shows. There have been several Saturdays where I'll drink a Corona and I'll go through nine lives. I think he also had something to do with the show Friday Night Lives. That's a football show. It was good. It had Riggins in it. Every girlfriend I ever had wanted to kiss Tim Riggins. Not me, though.

Anyway, Lorne Michaels, I hear you're the man that I need to talk to if I want to be on Saturday Night Lives. Now, when you do an audition for Saturday Night Lives, you have to do three impersonations and three characters, if I'm not mistaken. Or did they get it wrong on all those podcasts that have talked about it because everybody's obsessed with you, you Canadian weirdo.

No, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, hey, is that the palsied cowboy because he just shot himself in the foot? No, that's just Dan Rodandan. Dan Rodandan is not worried about insulting you, Lorne Michaels, because I am not going to do three characters. I'm going to do a hundred. And I'm not going to do three impersonations. I'm going to do ten million.

Because, uh... Look, a lot of this is swagger, but a lot of this is just the God's honest truth, Lorne. I'm reaching out to you. I think you're a great guy. You're a handsome guy. You got a fun voice. You got, uh... Hey, I really like Kids in the Hall. Terriers are my favorite kinds of dogs. I mean, if Jim Breuer could do it, I could do it.

Well, anyway, the important thing is this one isn't necessarily directly to Lorne Michaels. This one is to my fans and fans and friends and all of you out there. Because, uh, when I do bring it to Lorne, which I'm going to do, you have to, uh, uh, uh, uh... You can really only bring three of each because he doesn't have a lot of time. He's very busy re-watching Kids in the Hall every day. Uh, uh, so I... I'm going to need you guys to whittle it down for me and let me know which ones are the top... The top dogs. Which dogs mount up and ride? Which dogs will hunt? Which one of these dogs is going to be the dog? You know?

So, uh, uh, I'm going to do a few impersonations, a few impressions. And, uh, I was hoping that you guys would email me at, uh, actingcoachdanrodandan@teachingactorshowtoact.com. Actingcoachdanrodandan@teachingactorshowtoact.com. All right, character number one. Here I go.

Hey, uh, my name's Dan Rodandan. And I'm, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, my dad used to be a train conductor. And I would pass out on the train and pee myself. And his friends would make fun of me. Uh, uh, did I say my name was Dan Rodandan? It's actually Banro Bandon. It's a character that I do.

All right, I'm going to do another character named Canro Candon. And I made some bad Oscar picks last year and got knocked into a coma. And then I had to sleep in the bottom of a Greyhound bus until I moved to New York where I'm also homeless.

All right, I'm going to do a third character now. It's called Zan Rosandan. And, uh, uh, it sounds a little bit like this.

Hello? Nobody's calling. Uh, Christopher Walken is my dad. I'm Zan Rosandan.

And, uh, now I'm going to do another character called Manro Mandan. And he's, uh, he's from South Africa. He's a, uh, well, I'll let him get into it for you.

Hello. My name is Manro Mandan. And I was a soldier in the South African army during apartheid. And, uh, I think apartheid was the right thing at the time. Because if you look at my country now, it's in shambles.

Sometimes when you're in the army, you see terrible things. I saw blood. I saw my own blood. Spilled my own blood.

When I was in Zambia. You know telephone wires? You've seen them? They're metal. They would cut down the telephone wires and they would open it up. That ropey metal. And they would use it as a whip to open each other up.

And, uh, we would have to go in there with, uh, rubber beanbag guns if the UN was around. Or normal guns if nobody was looking.

And because I had all that kind of experience, I decided to work for De Beers. Because when you work for De Beers, the diamond company, you come to realize that diamonds are worthless. De Beers controls the diamond market. They only let out so many at a time. The rest are in a fucking vault.

You talk about blood diamonds, mate. What do you think of? You think of the blood that is spilled to get the diamonds. But that's not all. I believe that there are some diamonds out there in the world. If you see them, if you touch them, you will die.

I was a driver working for De Beers. In the back seat of my car, a man steps in, opens up a briefcase with 700,000 rand. Trades that suitcase for a suitcase full of De Beers diamonds. Three weeks later, everyone in that car is dead. Except me. Because I didn't fucking touch the diamonds, mate.

So if you come to my bar here, and you want to buy a beer from me, you give that money to Chefunda. Or don't touch that money, mate. Never touch money. Money will get you killed.

So that was Manro Mandan. What was that, four or five characters? Now it's time for me to do impressions, I guess. So I'm going to do an impression of Tom York. Picture me crossing my eye and turning one of my feet into like a club foot.

Did you picture it? That was Tom York.

And now I'm going to do Chuck Klosterman. He, as you may or may not know, is an author of many op-ed pieces. He has a few books. He's a good, close friend of Bill Simmons. He shows up on his podcast a lot. And if you're like me, this is what he sounds like to you.

You know, the funny thing about slavery is that if you think about it, it's actually the opposite of what your opinion is. And what's really fascinating to me is college basketball. Because if you think about that, like jazz and banana peels, then all of a sudden, I mean, Moby Dick makes sense.

So that was Chuck Klosterman. Let's see. Who else can I do that's an impression? All right, Lorne. Right now I'm going to give you a threefer. I'm going to give you David Lynch talking to Werner Herzog talking to a little girl for her school project. All right, and away we go.

Hello, gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming to my home. Enjoy the animal crackers and milk. My school project is very important to me. And I'm just so happy that you decided to help me.

Life is above all else meaningless. So spending time with you little girl is the same as doing an interview in Los Angeles and getting shot in the chest.

I tend to agree with Werner here. But at the same time, seeing the lovely home of a small girl makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Okay, great. So question number one, what is your favorite kind of animals?

Honestly, anything that is carnivorous is my favorite kind of animal.

My favorite kind of animal is a shark.

Okay, me too. Question number two, David and Werner, why is your favorite country America?

I do not understand the question. This is not why I am here today. I am here to talk to you about the bears. My favorite animal is the bears. And I was really excited when I heard that you were going to, you had made a bear. Or you were going to make a...

No, he made a movie about a man who was eaten by a bear.

Speaking of things that you can eat, I've decided to make a series of sandwiches. That I will call my own art projects. My name is David Lunch right now.

Well, you know, I think this is somewhat of a hacky premise. Because your name is Lynch. Kind of sounds like lunch.

Perhaps.

No, I think it's great. It's just perfect for me. Because I know what lunch is. And this man's work is almost entirely inaccessible to me. Because I am so young. And don't really understand what's going on in Twin Peaks. And don't like the music. And all of his movies are rated R. David Lynch, specifically, why do you have so much rape? And stabbings? Do you wish you could do it?

Um, I don't know. That's a hard, that's a tough question.

Honestly, I want you both to leave.

So that was my interview with those three. And the next character I'm going to do is the pimp. Ah, what did you picture in your head? You're the racist. Not me. Yes, I'm going to do a voice that some people may consider ethnic. But guess what? It's not. Anybody can talk like anything. And racially speaking, whoever smelt it, dealt it. So now my character, the pimp. Who is whatever race you don't think it is.

How many fingers on a pimp hand?

I said, Dora. How many fingers on a pimp hand? Well, if nobody's going to answer, I guess I will. I don't know. Four? I know what you're thinking. Four. Nah. Five. A thumb. A finger on a pimp's hand. Oh, I didn't realize.

All right. So now I'm going to do an impression of the pimp again. And he's going to tell a joke to Idi Amin from Forest Whitaker playing Idi Amin from Last King of Scotland.

How many knees do you have, pimp?

I'll ask the questions around here.

How many knees a pimp have?

I do not know.

Only two, though.

My weenie and my money.

That is very funny, but you did not convince me. I don't understand what's going on. Because I'm looking at your legs and one of them has a knee and both of them have a knee.

Sometimes when you talk about money. What do you think about? Yes, I think about broken knees. I think about broken weenies. I think about when you cut off a man's dick because he took your diamonds. And I think about when you take that dick and put it in his mother's mouth. Why? Because the diamonds are bloody. Never touch money, mate.

Pardon me. I was wondering if you had a space for me to produce a stool. By the way, this is another character. I would like to produce and deposit a stool in the lobby of this hotel.

So anyway, Lorne, those were all the characters that I could do there. There was a... Anyway, Lorne, you're a real handsome guy. I didn't mean to insult you earlier, but I feel like there's a lot of that stuff you could use. There's a lot of that stuff you could, you know, put it over the airwaves. And as I said at the beginning, you got to go big or you got to go home. I don't have a home, so if I don't go big, I'm going to go out.

Like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when Tom York set in with his eyes.

You ever been so itchy? Lorne. You ever been so itchy? You ever been so itchy that you scratch your face, all of a sudden your shirt looks like it's snowing? You know, they call that in the biz. They call that beard cheese. That's why you never buy a used microphone from a rock and roller.

Listen, Lorne. The point is I think you're a great guy. I think we could work together. I think I would be fantastic for your show. My name is Dan Rodandan. I teach actors how to act. I'm an acting coach. I'm also a coach for sketch comedy. I could, you know, I'm 50 or whatever. I don't know what you're looking for. I work in a Nuts 4 Nuts cart. And if Lorne Michaels is looking for nuts, I am willing to stuff my nuts down his throat and into his gullet and down into his tub tub. If you don't want anybody to know about it, I'll privately deliver these nuts. I'm your guy.

Dropping nuts and popping nuts. Shuffling nuts. Moving nuts. Some people move weight. I move nuts. And I'd love to move you.

Dan Rodandan is going to go big. Or he's going to go to bed. Go to bed, Dan.