Lorne Michaels is a Mushy Old Sandwich

Hello, all. This is Dan Rodandan. Did he make it? Is he okay? He's a champ. That's right. Dan Rodandan. Here he is. Based on the previous podcast, I bet a lot of you were wondering, is he dead? I mean, that's something that you could ask after listening to any podcast that I've done so far. But last time it was a bit more acute because I was going on to, I don't even remember the name of the show that they told me. But something about a Saudi cruise ship has talent. I was supposedly going up against two other fellows to be the host of the open mic night on a Saudi cruise ship. But, as I told you before, three men enter, one man cruise, two men pass away, two men pass. Didn't even show up.

I went to that abandoned warehouse on my own. And, you know, I shucked and jived a little bit. I did my tap dancing. I did a monologue. And they said, hey, nobody else is here, so I guess you got the gig. So I signed on the dotted line. And for the next two years, ya boy, Dan Rodandan is going to be the open mic night host on a startup Saudi cruise ship. That's a dream come true.

Look, I know a lot of you guys out there, you go to sleep at night and you think to yourself, you know, I'd love to play one of those singing garbage cans at Disneyland. Or I'd love to be the, I don't know, fourth billed on a stand-up comedy show in, like, a city like Phoenix or something where the only people in the audience are other stand-up comedians who, if you have a good joke, they're actually mad at you instead of laughing. Or you have that dream out there that you're going to be someone on local television who children make fun of because, you know, because you got scared of an earthquake. Because earthquakes are scary, but everybody saw you do it. You know? But I actually get to live my dream. And because I get to live my dream, I get a cash advance. Yes, that's right. A two-year commitment came with $600. Have you ever seen $600 all at once? Well, I didn't see it for very long because I had bills to pay and pizza to eat. That's right. Pizza that I ordered. Not that a stranger ordered and threw half of it away. No, this is, this is, I'm getting first-run pizza now.

After I ate that pizza, the first thing that I did was get my phone turned back on. And wouldn't you know it, back when I had it on, nobody was calling. Oh, when I turned it off, millions of people were calling. So, uh, uh, uh, let's, let's, let's go through that backlog. Let's go through that catalog. Let's long jam. Let's throw some jams. Let's peanut butter and jam. Uh, uh, uh, I know you missed it. Let's do some calls. Let's hit that music.

Yep. We're taking phone calls. Taking calls. You dirty doggy. Taking calls. Oh, what is that? That's the phone. You didn't have one. Now you do. Saudi Arabia. Thanks for calls. We're going back in time. Let's go through all these phone calls. Yeah. All right. First call. You are on the line. Hope it wasn't time sensitive.

Well, Todd, great to hear from you again. It was a real pleasure to talk to you about that film that you made called It's a Disaster. I really enjoyed that film and, uh, it's good to see that your career is going great. Got yourself two possible acting roles coming up. But, uh, you know, Todd, maybe it's just because I've been in the business a little longer than you, but this sounds like a no-brainer to me. What's gonna feed your soul? You mentioned that the play was gonna be Hamlet. Is the part Hamlet? Are you gonna be Hamlet in Hamlet? Hamlet? If you're gonna be Hamlet in Hamlet, I would say that, uh, you should definitely agree to be Hamlet in Hamlet. Let them know that, uh, hey, look, uh, my mom is pretty sick. My mom's pretty sick, so I may need to miss a day or two here or there, but, uh, it's probably not gonna come up. Then accept the role.

And then, obviously, join the cast of Boner Patrol. I mean, I love the Boner Patrol franchise. I think I've seen all of the YouTube promotional clips, and, uh, I was hoping at one point to do a tie-in with the Boner Patrol and the Fart Police together, but, uh, uh, uh, you know, who knows? The future is still there, and if you do get this role, that could be an in for me. So, agree to Boner Patrol. Ga-ga-goo! Or was it two goos? Ga-goo! Ga-ba-goo! Sopranos! So, accept Boner Patrol. Get that bikini top on your head, say your line, get that union action, and just call in sick for the first day of Hamlet. Oh, I couldn't make it, my mom, you know, because you already set it up about your mom. Um, and, you know, get a good understudy. Uh, or just have some dickhead walk up there on stage with a script. It's a black box theater, for Christ's sake. What, there's 35 people gonna be annoyed? It's one night! Who cares?

I tell you what, why don't you tell them, say that you're gonna be in charge of all of the, uh, press for it. Which means, what, uh, you're gonna put one ad in the newspaper? So when you put that one ad in the newspaper, change the date. Say, oh no guys, I blew it! I blew all the advertising budget, and now the opening night's the next night! Problem solved! Two different ways. Next call!

All right, always nice to meet a fan, Brandon Wiley. Uh, I actually have a great answer for this. What's a job nobody wants? Script supervisor. Script supervisor. Oh, a script supervisor? Didn't that used to be called script girl? Did used to be called script girl. It's a, it's a, you know, it's not a great title. It's, you know, it might hurt your feelings and say, hey, dad, I got a new job as a script girl. But, uh, the truth is, you sit next to the director. You watch him the whole time. Not a lot of people going after that job. You get to watch the cinematographer at work. You get to see all the actors. You get to watch the monitor. Be a script girl, Brandon. Script girl's the job for you.

And when you get on set, use that charm of yours that I know you have. Make sure you talk about all the different women you've had butt sex with. Probably right when you meet people. I think that's a great first impression. It's, uh, and it'll keep you in their mind. Next call.

Well, you got my name wrong. But, I appreciate the sentiment. It's always nice to hear a fan. And, uh, your wish is my command.

All I wanna do is have some fun. And I got a feeling that I'm not the only one. All I wanna do is have some fun. Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Uh, again, the name is Dan Rodandan, not Delilah. But, uh, uh, uh, that's okay. Hey, you're probably an elderly person or someone with a dyslexia or a, uh, uh, hearing. I would recommend, uh, uh, maybe the Khan Academy dot com or Scientology or, or, or, or one of those guys that can fix those problems. But, uh, pleasure to hear from you. You sound like a handsome gal. And, uh, next call, please.

That's what? Uh, thank you. Uh, you're welcome. Uh, I'm not, I'm not sure if you, uh, meant to call me or meant to call Dan Savage or if you accidentally called me instead of him or if you accidentally listened to me instead of him. But, uh, uh, you're welcome. Enjoy your kinks. Uh, the Midwest is, uh, it's an evolving place. It sounds like you're the change that I want to see in the world. So, uh, hey, let, let, let, let those little wiener worms run. As far as I'm concerned, uh, it gets better. Next call.

All right. Do you think you've had enough? Do you think enough is enough? With these prank calls? About my little dick? Look, I get it. It didn't go well. We didn't have a good time. You don't need to keep calling me and faking those noises. Unless you want tips on that. Hey, quit giggling when you're making orgasm noises. Acting tip. Next call.

Easy peasy Japanesey. This is the kind of question an acting coach dreams of. Very simple answer. Two words. Mark Spitz. Mark Spitz, the diver. How does it work? How does he dive with a mustache and not let it tickle his face? Easy. He puts in a little piece of plastic nose guard thing. So right before the scene where you have to make out with the guy with the mustache, put in a little plastic nose guard. You make out with him, it won't tickle. You can't sneeze. Legally, you can't sneeze with a nose guard in. And if you do, you can sue the goddamn company. That's what a nose guard's for. As soon as the scene's over, say, oh, I'm going to rub my nose and pull out the nose guard. And then you continue to act.

And for your second question, how do I not make out with a dude all day? I don't know. Get it right in rehearsal. Nose guard ought to do it. You get one solid kiss. You lock those lips. Pretend he is someone sexy like Jessica Rabbit or some other head tie. Whatever thing works for you. Simple as that. Next call.

All right. A little inside baseball by acting toolbox. If I were going to be on an abandoned acting island and I wanted to bring my abandonment toolbox with me, the first thing I would think about is how my dad was a conductor of trains and he would abandon me whenever I would pass out from train dust. And then I would bring about how my mother abandoned me when she was hit by a bus. And there I was alone. Abandoned. Abandoned. Or to say it as they said it in The Master, I have been abandoned. You have been abandoned by your God. You have been abandoned by yourself.

So if I were on an island by myself, alone, what would I need to bring with me to feel abandoned? I don't know everything about me. How do I not feel abandoned? I'm in a city with, what, 12 million people and I feel abandoned every minute of every day. I'll tell you what I would bring in my toolbox if I go to the island as an actor. Redundancy. That's my first tool. Abandoned. Next call.

All right, Dave. Uh, great to hear from you again. Sounds like you're doing great. You're making plans. Uh, you can't tell me where you are, but I can tell you where I'll be. I'll sort of be hanging around at Columbus Circle, uh, uh, uh, uh, near the, uh, near the statue of Columbus himself. Uh, uh, uh, until I, until I, you know, transition to my new positions. So, uh, if you want to swing by and, uh, uh, ask for my lock picking advice, uh, I'll, I'll, you know, I'll study up. I'll, I'll figure out what I can do and I can learn what I can do and, and, uh, wait a minute. Last time I saw you, you were in California. And I'm in New York now. Anyway, it's, it's, it's good to hear that you remember me.

Uh, you want to know about picking locks? Just go to YouTube. You can learn pretty much anything there. Or buy a gun. That's the ultimate lock pick. Just shoot it. Actually, nope, buy a gun. That's fine. That's the right answer. Next call.

All right. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told that girl who thought that I had the best dick ever. Stop prank calling me. I don't appreciate it. Oh, I'm going to make a movie in China about a podcasting acting teacher. Yeah, right. Marc Maron meets Marc Maron, Marc Maron, Marc Maron, Marc Maron. Nobody knows who either of those people are. Podcasting's a joke. Don't bring that shit in here. Next call.

All right. So surprisingly enough, that is the real Wolfgang Puck. I did run into him last night. I was rooting around in his rutabagas in the dumpster with carrots and onions and other things that are nutritious because I'm trying to get my physique in order. Even though Wolfgang Puck is an asshole, there was a good question there. Is acting just pretending? Do you pretend you're not hungry when you are hungry?

No, acting is not pretending. Acting is telling the truth as you know it. You play a character. Yes, it's not you. Are you pretending that you feel things? No, you are feeling things. You force yourself to feel things. If there's anything that's pretending, it's real life. Because when you're in real life and you're observing yourself in situations, you're lying. Every word that comes out of everyone's mouth is a lie. When you're acting, you are channeling a truth through words that somebody else has written and you are expressing something that you cannot say in real life. So acting is not lying. Acting is telling the truth. Real life is a lie. Next call.

Yes. Yes. You can use improv skills to make big life choices. And I'll tell you what those choices are. You just got to act at the top of your intelligence. So what I want you to do is I want you to talk to people who you haven't talked to in a while. And they'll say, hey, what are you up to? Just say the first thing that comes to your mind. And if you like it, do it. If you don't like it, find somebody else you haven't seen in a while. They'll say, hey, what are you up to? What do you got planned next? You say another thing. If you don't like it, find another person you haven't seen in a while. If you do like it, live that fantasy. Lord. She's a smart 19-year-old. What, is she 17? Anyway, next call.

All right, Rita. Even though you tried to convince me otherwise, there's still a part of me that thinks you are the woman of my dreams. And I have had several dreams about you. But that's neither here nor there. The important thing is an answer to your question. If all the roles out there are for manly men, what do I do as a ladyboy without sacrificing my integrity? Easy peasy, guac and cheesy. Easy peasy. What you do is you just kind of wait it out. It's a pendulum thing. Back when there was the Bush administration, everybody was looking for a scrappy feminine underdog like a Michael Cera. Or, I don't know, whoever was in American Pie. Biggs? Bigsby? Harold Bigsby. Jason Biggs? I don't know. Right now, we have a Democrat in office. So everybody wants a hardcore, strong American man.

Christ almighty. Sorry about that. That's just my permanent injuries. But what you got to do is you just got to wait for a Republican to be in office. When there's a Republican in office, they're going to love ladyboys. Simple as that. Next call.

Honestly, as a podcaster, that is the exact reaction you want. You want somebody to think that you're their friend, feel like you're their friend, that you're in their life. Somebody, because podcasting is such an intimate experience. Because I get to talk to you with my real voice. And when I get to talk to you with my real voice, it sounds like I'm talking directly to you. And that's why people feel comfortable when they call in saying things like, I have a girlfriend who stabs me in the back. You're so crazy. We're having a great time. I'm going to miss you. And all those other beautiful sentiments you empower women.

Look, and I want to empower you to empower women. Because those women aren't going to have any power until we empower them. So get out there and power those women up. And how are women powered? You have to ask. You can't assume. Great to hear from you. I hope there's a thousand more like you out there. Next caller, please.

All right, Tom. Sorry to mess with your mess with Texas. Or whatever else you got going on. But joke's on you. I didn't even want that cat anymore. It's got feline leukemia and a diarrhea problem. So enjoy. You don't want me to do my character anymore? Well, listen to this, tough guy.

You know, the funny thing about diamonds is that... If you are dealing in diamonds, you're dealing in blood. Diamonds have no actual value because of Mars. If you go to Mars, the whole place is made of diamonds. But nobody wants to go there because of the blood. It's the red planet. We have red coming out of our eyeballs. I bleed tears of blood every night because of Tom Shane. Fuck you. You are the 1% of murderers who control the whole world. There is no Illuminati. There is only money. Bathe in my blood. I'll give it to you. Sorry, Tom. You heard him. Anyway, enjoy that goddamn cat. Next call.

I tell you that we won't stop. No, I tell you that we won't stop. So that's hip-hop, I think, probably. And it sounds to me that you, my friend, are in the catbird seat. Now you're thinking to yourself, what does he mean? Well, the truth is, when I heard your voice, I heard something that I've only heard a few times. Now, every once in a while, you'll hear a sports writer out there or somebody talking about, oh, when I heard Babe Ruth hit a baseball, it sounded like this. Or when I heard Reggie Jackson hit a baseball, it sounded like this. I only heard it when they did it. I heard something very similar in the sound of your voice. And it is the sound of a close friend of mine who killed himself.

Let me tell you why this is a good thing for you. Because when he killed himself, his blog got a lot more readers. And people wanted to know what was going on. Oh my gosh, the lost talent of such and such. So, fake your own death. If you want to get popular, if you want to make money, if you want to keep going, use that sadness, come up with a great way to fake your own death. Oh God, I wish I could get that sad. The trouble is, yes, I'm sad. But when I heard your voice, oh Christ. I'm going to light a candle for you tonight.

And how do you keep it going? If you don't want to try to fake your own death, if you have really good credit or something, you want to keep that? I would say just, you know, it's darkest before the dawn. The acting is reacting. Writing is rewriting. The work is not pretending. It's telling the truth. Keep it relatable, but make it, I don't know. I don't write anything down. Because, how do you get someone to read it? But I guess that's your problem. Have you tried alcohol? Or heroin? Or anything else to get through those nights when the pen's not moving? Worked for William Burroughs. Kinda. Next call, please.

Well, you bet big and you bet on yourself and all of a sudden Lorne Michaels is calling you. Lorne Michaels. Well, well, well. Good to hear from you. Finally. You think you're such a tough guy? You think you're the Kids in the Hall? Well, guess what? This kid is gonna be out front of your building. Pants off. Lights on. Camera action. I'll see you in the morning. And, uh, uh, I'll serve you a nice breakfast of crow. Ha, ha, ha. Eat crow!

Because I'm the, I'm the tits. I'm Will Ferrell. I'm, I'm, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm Chris Farley. I'm, I'm, I'm Jan. I'm Jan Hooks. And Phil Hartman. And Dan Harmon. And whoever else. I'm the Adam Sandler. Berg. I'm your mama's boy. I'm the Waterboy. I'm next. And you know what you are? You're old news, you mushy old sandwich. So you're lucky to have me. But I'll be there with bells on. Dicks out, old man. Play that music.

Dan Rodandan is Saturday Night. Saturday Night Live. You dick.