Episode 5 · Dec 31, 2012 · 11:22
Olive Garden and New Year's Eve Brisket
New Year's Eve in Hawaiian Gardens. Dan sings Shakespeare, talks Olive Garden, and sits down with neighbor Freddie Leavis over brisket.
- Show
- Teaching Actors How to Act
- Host
- Dan Rodandan
- Published
- December 31, 2012
- Length
- 11:22
- With
- Freddie Leavis
Transcript
Full transcript of Teaching Actors How to Act episode 5, hosted by acting coach Dan Rodandan.
Hello everyone, I'm Dan Rodandan, and this here is a character voice.
(Sings)
Thank you. As you heard there, that was me singing in a character voice, a little bit Shakespearean, as they said in the old days back at the Globe Theatre. A globe is a thing that's sort of a map of the world, but it's round, so you can actually see the correct perspective.
What the fuck?
Well, the reason I'm saying it is because I would like to gain a little bit of perspective, as they say perspective, on what it means to be an actor here in Los Angeles, as the Palomalu tribe, which I just invented in my head, a little fake backstory, thank you, would like to call this area the Hawaiian Gardens area of Los Angeles, where you were a native of, is that correct?
Am I? Yeah.
Okay. Well, uh...
Yeah, I'm living here. That doesn't make any sense.
They call it Hawaiian Gardens because it's, that sounds nice. Doesn't it sound nice?
It sounds much nicer than it actually is.
It's not sounding nice with a knife to your fucking mouth.
No, it doesn't sound like much of anything except wet pants and an empty wallet when you have a knife to your throat.
You said it. Somebody's asking you, hey, give me the contents.
30 years strong in this neighborhood. It sucks ass.
You've lived here for 30 years.
Yes.
As I said, this is my guest. He is my neighbor. Hello.
I'm Freddie Leavis.
Freddie Leavis. Freddie Leavis. He was a guy who convinced me for a couple months that he was our landlord, so I ended up paying both of our rents, and I never got any of that back.
How you doing, Dan? Gained a friend out of it.
I'm doing better. How are you doing?
Doing great. How's the acting going?
The acting so far is a miss and miss, but...
Miss and miss?
You know the old expression, hit and miss.
Hit and miss. Yeah, but I'm still waiting for that first hit to them. Hopefully it'll be a home run. Not that I'm much of a baseball fan.
Miss and miss makes me think of when I'm going through the drive-thru with a couple of ladies.
Yeah, you and two gals. Miss and miss.
You've made love to two women at the same time before, is that correct?
Absolutely.
And do you find that that is an overcomplicated experience, or do you think that you still achieve the same level of intimacy that you can with a single partner?
Dan, I'm here to tell you, if it's doing chicks, if it's doing acting, if it's doing competitive eating. As long as you're doing it, right? You just stop caring so much. All this fucking character voices, all this... I don't know what you do. You wax your eyebrows.
Yeah, I do.
I don't know what you do.
I try to do push-ups before I go to sleep.
Listen, I booked a commercial.
A commercial what?
A commercial gig.
A commercial acting gig? Like a television commercial?
Like a radio gig. A radio commercial.
You do the voice for a radio commercial?
Doing a radio spot coming out.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
How did you fall into this?
I fall into that. You know, auditions all over the place.
You audition?
Yeah.
All right. Well, this is the first time here.
I was, you know, remember when we had that discussion where you thought I was your roommate?
Yeah.
Not your roommate, your landlord.
Well, I thought you were my roommate, too, for a little while when you moved in for a week.
You know, you just got to step in and grab something and step out again.
And I would like that coffee maker back at some point.
The old step in, step out, bring it to the pawn shop.
(Sings)
Step by step, day by day.
What the fuck? That was another television show. You gotta quit singing to me. Just talk like a real person.
You don't like the sing-song nature of my natural speaking voice?
Listen. Look. Listen, I want you to read this Olive Garden thing.
Olive Garden, sure. You been to the Olive Garden?
Yes, I have been to the Olive Garden. I've really, really taken advantage of the unlimited soup and salad.
So a guy like you, a guy, you're going to overanalyze this. You're going to go, okay, what is the Olive Garden? Like, who's someone that goes to the Olive Garden?
Yeah, who are they? What is this?
Okay, so I want you to read this, and then I'm going to tell you what you're doing wrong.
Okay.
Okay.
Olive Garden, 30-second radio, quote, Garnish, end quote.
Snooze my fucking nose off. Snooze my nose off. That's what you're making me do.
Oh, sorry, I was just slating.
Hiya, recognize me? I'm Garnish of a dinner plate Garnish's. Yep, the little green guy on the side of your plate. Currently residing at the Olive Garden USA, otherwise known as the Big Leagues. These days, I am riding shotgun with a new dish called Alfredo stuffed shells, three jumbo shells stuffed with four cheeses and topped with a creamy seafood sauce. Yep, together we are creating quite a scene. People ogling me on my new ride as we swing through the restaurant saying, hey, what's that? Or, wow, that looks good. Sure, it's tough being famous. But you get used to it.
Dan, what the fuck? Come on, man.
Okay, come on. What was I doing wrong? Where do I have room to improve?
What kind of game show you step off of?
What kind of game show?
I'd love to be on a game show.
You go like this. Hey, Freddie Leavis, Olive Garden. Hey, recognize me? I'm garnish of the dinner. You don't even have to read it. Just say like, hey, listen, I'm Olive Garden. I'm stuffed shells. Three jumbo shells stuffed with four cheeses topped with creamy seafood sauce. Yep, we're good. Wow, I'm amazing.
Fuck this. I'll see you at the check cashing joint.
Wow. I mean, you didn't say all the words that were in the copy, but I can tell you that you won me over with your, uh, uh, uh, and I don't use this word lightly, animal magnetism.
Wow.
My blood, my heart is pounding. Uh, I have, uh, uh, I have a headache. Uh, my ear, I can hear my heart beat in my ear on one side.
Keep blowing smoke up my ass. I gotta put a screen door on my ass. Keep blowing smoke up my ass. I gotta put a screen door in my ass.
And a screen door won't even stop smoke, which is what I love so much about the expression.
Will you shut the hell up?
I'm sorry. I'm just a compliment. God damn it. I'm just trying to...
Look, we're all... we're all men here. We're all adults. We all like... I don't know what you are.
I don't know what you are either.
You're a trickster of any stripe, every stripe. I'm just a guy trying not to bust people's heads anymore.
Let's talk about the past. What happened in the old days when you would take those fisticuffs of yours and put them broadside a person's cabeza?
Basically, I was at this bar called Boomers and some guy dropped a shotgun on my head. A fully loaded shotgun. The shotgun went off. I'm deaf in one ear. Moved here. That was 30 years ago.
What do you mean he dropped it on your head? Like he was standing above you, he let it go, it landed on your head and fired?
Yes.
Or he hit you in the head with it?
It's as simple as that. It's cut and dry, goddammit.
So literally, he dropped a shotgun on your head. Were you lying on the ground or were you on a bar stool? Where did this happen?
I was hanging out a window.
You were hanging out a window. A guy on a story, one story, two stories off, drops a shotgun, hits you in the forehead. The bullet explodes. You're deaf in one ear. All of a sudden, you decide to make a life change. Let's move to the Hawaiian Gardens area.
Listen, if you're hanging out in a Boomers window and some guy drops a fucking shotgun on your head, it goes off, you're deaf in one ear. If you don't reconsider your life situation at that point, you're a fucking idiot.
You're right. You are a fucking idiot. Christ. Read this Anthem copy.
Okay, Anthem, what is that?
I don't know, but you put a card in your wallet and the doctor's, I don't know.
PNC Anthem, 30 VO. Achievement starts small and dreams big.
It's like you're doing this to make me angry.
Achievement loves staying close to home, but it isn't afraid to stretch its legs once in a while. It helps you keep the lights on and it knows when to turn them off. Achievement is all around us, a part of our very lives. At PNC, we help make achievement happen in your financial life and beyond. PNC, for the achiever in us all.
All right. Now, I think you and I both have no idea what this copy is about. It seems to be about motivation.
Motivation or it's a bank or some shit.
It could be a bank or a hospital. A blood bank. Probably a blood bank.
Listen, they want to hear that. You go this. Achievement starts small and dreams big. Achievement loves staying close to home. Do you know what the fuck this is?
Do I know what the fuck this is? Why are we talking about lights? Why are we talking about achievement? PNC for the achiever in us all. I don't know.
Listen, I made $2,500 walking into a studio without a shirt on, grabbing the microphone and just doing that.
Really? $2,500.
$2,500? I paid me and my daughter's rent.
If I had $2,000. You have a child.
Yes, three.
Three children.
Not children, no more. They're grown.
Yes. You have a daughter?
Yes.
And what, two sons?
Yes.
That's wonderful.
Sure. Sure, buddy.
You, uh, you, you, uh, you see them around the holidays, or—
Yeah, going back to, uh, going back to the sticks.
Yeah. Yeah, you gotta swing by Boomers.
If I do there's gonna be hell to pay.
I bet there is, knowing you. Uh, uh, that's wonderful, that's wonderful to know that. Hey, listen, do you have a juicer?
A juicer?
Yeah.
Well, I have a, well, I, I have, I have a, like it's sort of a, it's a small... you could do orange juice on it. You smash the oranges into the small thing. Just one of those clamp things.
No, I'm not going to. I need something to sell. I don't have a high-powered Jack LaLanne-style juicer.
They liked that coffee pot at the pawn shop.
They liked it?
Yes.
Well, I liked it, too, when I stole it from the middle school break room. See, you're not so high and mighty.
Are you talking about me stealing your coffee pot? You stole the coffee pot.
I still have... two wrongs don't make a right, as we all know. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you for your time. I want to thank you for your...
Is that it?
Well, I don't know. Is there something... do you have something you want to plug? Do you have something you want to talk about?
Yeah. Hey, come on down. I'm making brisket.
Everybody?
Yeah.
You're sharing food?
Yeah. 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. New Year's Eve. I got all the brisket you can stuff in your fucking face.
All right. Well, I'm going to be making a personal appearance at the brisket party, and you can come and meet me, and we can talk about acting, and we can talk about brisket, and try not to talk to him in his left ear when you meet him, because he will not necessarily respond.
I won't hear you.
Let's play the music. Dan Rodandan, and what was your name? I said, let's sing together. Everybody.
Freddie Leavis.
Freddie Leavis. Now, Leavis me alone.
You asked.
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You're a close friend of mine. We'll hang out. You are very lucky I'm not your roommate.
I know that.